Oh Summers Past

This just makes me think of the bbq and how it turned in to a massive sort of bonfire cause everyone was freezing. Aha, is it done yet, is it done yet, NO GO AWAY YOU VULTURES! Jokes. loverr and loverr’s lover came down which was awesome, everyone just got so fucked. And then the epic failed attempt at trying to take this piss out of this song aha, gaaaaaash. Funny how appropriate the song is now.

Good times.

Day 6 of being on anti depressants and so far don’t really notice any difference except a bit of a dodgy stomache and feeling like I want to burst in to tears every 10 minutes. Like I said, no difference. I’ve been told it can take up to 2 weeks for them to kick in properly though so I am going to keep going. I have to phone my GP on monday to let her know how its going and hopefully she will be able to give me the generic assessment appointment. Feeling pretty much the same about everything, trying my hardest not to show it though and not to act like it, trying to make jokes and keep it light when really inside I feel….nothing. I feel empty and dark, like inside of me in this black hole that is swirling around, sucking everything about me and anything good in to it. Its a catch-22 really; I am lost in a void that is me. But I am forcing myself to go out, to see people, to at least go to the uni library and do some work. I am trying to take some sort of control back, a bit at a time and for that I’m proud. I even bought a Times paper today in an attempt to start caring about what’s going on in the world again!

Really tired today. Am trying to not have a nap or anything though so that maybe I’ll sleep tonight? Not to sure how many more nights of falling asleep about 4/5am and getting up at 8/9 I can handle! I wish that I had someone to cuddle me to sleep, I find it so much easier to drift off when someone else is with me, even when I’m staying over at moo’s and she’s on one sofa and I’m on the other, I actually fall asleep so quickly and stay asleep. I guess it’s cause I feel…safer? I’m so used to taking care of myself but falling asleep in someone’s arms was the one time that I would fully let down my guard and trust the other person to protect me I guess. I’m pretty sure this sleeping thing stems from ex mr chop leaving me cause I haven’t slept properly since then; from heartbreak to loneliness to depression. 3 easy steps to insomnia aha.

Tired now and time for some come dine with me, wooop!

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