It seems every time I’m ready to give up on uni and the whole idea of ever graduating, I find out that I’m not actually failing and capable of actually doing well. Moo made me pick up all my work yesterday (have been avoiding the assignment room like the plague cause I didn’t want to face the poor marks that would basically be saying ‘HA you will never graduate’) and not only have I passed Media Theory as a whole and my mother fucking research methods WOOOOOOOOP, I also got a 62 (my short story) from the lecturer that hates me and good marks on the rest of my work. I even got a really good mark on my TV script and the comment that it could definitely make it as a show on channel 4. So a few weeks ago I was ready to give up and found out I passed my exam. Then I thought nope, definitely just going to quit and I pick up my work and passed what I needed to and got some really good feedback which makes me think that someone somewhere wants me to actually have some freaking faith in myself and carry on and bloody well graduate. Got to see moo which was really really nice cause weve both been so busy doing our own shit recently, it was nice to catch up and chill out. Also got to talk to her and soon-to-be new housemate M about the whole house situation and have decided that I will keep my eye on the market and once they have finished exams and things (they are about to enter extremely stressful period at uni) we will find a place which suits me cause I am officially skint right now! It also gives me time to find a job in Bournemouth and sort out placement. Not worried about leaving it a bit later cause we only need a four bed place and those are about all the time.
Yesterday I was actually proud of myself for a change 😀
I don’t know how to put in to words what’s going on in my head right now; I’m not sure what role I’m supposed to be playing. I think I’m putting to much pressure on myself to make life changing decisions because I’m scared that I’m leaving it to late, even though I’m only 22! I think your 20’s are when you’re supposed to fuck up and figure your shit out but I’m so focused on years down the line that I feel like I’ve already failed! I keep thinking that I’ve become this weak scared person, people whose opinions meant a lot to me told me I am failing and I know, I know that I’m not perfect, I know I’ve been making mistakes. But even through all of this shit I’ve still been figuring myself out. Coming out the other side of all the crap that went down in the summer sort of reminds me of the strength I have, even if I have been barely surviving at least I have been, it would have been so easy to completely give up and go under. And I thought about it, more than once. But I am not that person. The thing is, it wasn’t just the break up that broke me, it was the things he said to me, it was the way it was my fault, it was being left in a place that wasn’t home and where I had no one. That is what fucked me over completely. I had to pull myself through it, I had to be the one to comfort me, I had to be the one to tell myself it would be ok. And I couldn’t because I was told that it was my fault and my problems and just me being me that once again fucked everything up. I fucked up with the ex ex and then fucked it up with ex mr chopper. I have never felt more of a failure in my life and that has been the hardest thing to get over. I’ve been blaming myself this whole time really, I have been a ghost of myself because of him and the shit that he put in my head and I am so pissed! I am Kate fucking Chaitoff, I do not let twats get inside my head, I don’t let anyone beat me down so why the fuck did I let him??
So fuck this. Fuck this attitude, its not mine. Fuck feeling lost. Fuck failing. Fuck people who are so scared of their own shit they put it on you instead of dealing with it themselves. Fuck being scared.
There is this company called SeeFilmFirst, they deal with new movies releases and previews. Often in heat they will sponsor free tickets to new movies that are coming out if you get to the website in time. Anyway, I got in touch to perhaps do some reviews for them seeing as I basically live at the cinema and need to start building a journalism portfolio and I was told that there is a film being previewed at the harbour lights on sunday and that I would be put on the guestlist and basically do a trial review for them. Which I think is pretty fucking cool really! I mean who knows, this could be the start of something really big for me
The last little obsession of mine is the myspace page, still there, still unchanged and still a source of….comfort? I don’t know, all I know is I wish I could stop looking but I can’t so I just wish it would be changed but its myspace, no one even goes on there anymore so its like a forgotten piece of my life thats just suspended in the web-sphere.
I just love looking at the picture more than anything, it makes me feel like it wasn’t all a dream.
Been looking in to Camp America through Camp America and through BUNAC, looks more promising through BUNAC. Also heard back from the Fashion and PR placement in Australia, sounds really hopeful and there is a placement I can do, just need to decide and send in my application papers. Although through BUNAC I could do placement in New York and would be able to be paid cause of my social security number.
Decisions decisions on how to spend my summer!
Fuck me, I actually passed. Better collect the rest of my work now and see what’s going on! I actually can’t believe I passed, I did no revision cause I thought I was going to America and literally 4 days before the exam thought fuck it and went in. And I even got better marks than a lot of people!! Wonders will never freaking cease. Who knows, maybe I’ll make it in to third year after all!
Its so sad, I am actually well proud of myself. Jokes
Have applied for work experience in New Zealand, Australia and to be a camp counsellor at Camp America where will travel around the USA for a few months after 6 weeks at camp. Am also in the stage of applying to be an Au Pair in NYC for a bit.
Just going to put it out there, I know I sound like every other singleton out there but this really is the suckiest of all sucky holidays. And why is it even a holiday? Wheres the single and fabulous day? Generally v-day doesn’t get to me and I’ve always said that its a bit of a shit concept but this year I have uber hate for it; I don’t even know why cause I’ve only ever had one actually good valentines day, the rest (that I was with someone) were a bit shit, either predictable or disappointing. Plus I’ve always had the added blah factor of feeling bad that every year my mum was alone. So I guess I’m lucky that at least I’ve had one amazing valentines day in my life, even though I had to work that day aha, the rest of it was actually perfect and how many people get to say that?
I’m glad in a way I’m not having to sit through a forced romantic boring dinner and then feel obliged to have sex afterwards. I know this isn’t how it is for everyone but that is the norm for most people on the night. Give me a picnic with cheap ass cava and strawberries sat in the open boot of a car parked on the beach anyday. Forget crappy presents and card shop gifts, actually be in love with me enough to be able to simply say I Love You because you already tell me everyday how beautiful I am and how lucky you are to be with me, it doesn’t need for this one day for it to be said. I think what made that one valentines day really perfect was purely the fact he was so excited to share the day with me, just like I was so excited to share the day with him.
Yeah, I am very lucky I had that valentines day. But I’m still fucking hating the thought of tomorrow, a lot
Drove my chevy to the levy….
God I just so need to go to a dirty loud random heavy sweaty gig. If I’m not getting any loving then I need some other way to get rid of this energy; I just so wish there was something going on in Southampton. Yeah there was Enter Shikari last night but common dreads is shit and was never going to be massively enjoyable. PLUS there is just NOONE around anymore that enjoys a nice heavy gig; if its not the top 20 chart hits, nights out at shite clubs (Bliss, Lava, Toko etc), then its not worth knowing!! Karnivool isn’t until march, Hadouken are playing firestation but after seeing them at beach break last year and seeing what twatish dickheads they are I don’t think I can be bothered and I don’t recognise anyone else playing at joiners!! Skindred are playing the wedge in portsmouth march 9th so will def be going to that even if it is by myself!! But in the mean time, I just NEED something now! Soonish! In the next few days! Ahhhhhhh!