Just had a massive chat with TV guy about all the issues and it was really really good, totally cleared the air. He’s going to ease off on the intenseness and pressure and I’m going to actually let myself give it a shot. I need to stop being such a drama queen, making issues where there aren’t any, making things more complicated than they need to be and just actually go with the flow and give life a chance.
And I need to let the ex ex go. I need to be the better person and walk away before the situation becomes any more messy. So thats what I am going to do
Trapped, unable to breathe, unable to see, I can only feel you,
Feel the ghost of your hands around my throat, squeezing me shut, taking my voice,
My free will, my opinions, my choice.
Suffocating, I can feel your desire suffocating me, surrounding me, clouding my vision,
It crawls across my skin and makes me tremble, makes me feel so lost.
All I asked for was time but your face tells me I have none,
All I asked for was time but your need is liquid fire down my throat,
And I choke.
Things seem to be really complicated right now. TV guy has really pushed me too far too fast and he wants so much more from me than I wanted to give, especially as were not even in a relationship and he’s acting as if we are and being really intense about it even though I didn’t even think we were meshing particularly well anyway. And now I feel really bad and just want to talk to him face to face and really try and get it through to him that I don’t want to be part of anything serious and that I don’t think us is what he wants. Last night he rang me but I really wasn’t in the mood to talk to him, texted him that, said I would talk to him tomorrow and instead of listening to me he kept ringing and texting ‘I don’t want you to end this’. I told him again, I will call you tomorrow because I think we should talk cause I think we want different things. Ok I understand he said. And then today instead of just chilling out and waiting for me to ring he texts me asking me to go round his (which for me means going to bournemouth) tonight. Which just pisses me off even more, I feel like he’s just not listening to me!! I keep telling him what I want and to just let me in my own time get in touch with him and instead he keeps pushing me in to a corner, I’m feeling so trapped! I know I should just be like ok this is over but I feel so guilty! I don’t want to hurt his feelings or anything, I really didn’t realise he liked me that much already but jeez it feels so fast and I KNEW that this was going to happen after the whole thing that happened but I actually thought it would be me being overly clingy with him. I just don’t know what to say to him and he keeps pushing and pushing but I need to sort it and soon cause he’s Lezzer’s friend and coursemate, I don’t want things to get blerg between everyone.
Then there is the fucked up ex ex thing whilst still missing ex mr chopper.
This just makes me think of the summer of 2006, just before uni. For about a month I lived at loverrs house while her parents were away and I think the majority of the time was spent drinking strongbow, playing endless tony hawk, trying to get each other to make noodles aha and both working at the nursery. It was the perfect summer. At one point, for a few days, the ex ex came and stayed (the beginning of his home troubles) and one night loverr went out, we stayed in and I just remember being in loverrs conservatory with this playing and we were sat all loved up and then ex ex got loverr’s dad’s guitar and played a little bit for me (swoon). A perfect night in a perfect summer. I don’t think I’ve ever been as chilled out as that summer with loverr.
Tony hawk, jokes
I don’t know why, there isn’t anything particularly wrong, there isn’t anything big and new stressing me out, I just feel incredibly sad and lonely and its just really a bad day today. Blerg.
Today I feel like letting go
So you can be friends with the person who led you on, cheated on you and broke your heart but you can’t even be civil to me who loved you with my whole heart and was your friend before?
Douche, serious serious douche. Hope she hurts you again
Got a call from loverr yesterday afternoon, said she was headed up to Brighton to see people and that it was supposed to be a largish group going from london but loads of people had bailed so she thought she was going up alone which is when she said to come. So I did! Had nothing else to do this weekend and knew would have an awesome time so jumped in the shower, jumped on a train and met loverr, loverr’s boyf and crush boy (sigh) at the train station. The funniest thing was TV guy’s hometown is Brighton and he was actually there! So he came and met me for a drink at this pub place we went to. Random!
Had an awesome awesome night, totally got on it, had such a laugh and even ended up bagging the cotchy-est bed with loverr. Met and now totally understand loverr’s past (something to be said for cheeky lad), was really nice to see loverr’s sister and everyone. I always love hanging out in their group and they always make me feel so welcome. I know I can be a bit quiet around them but its cause I’m a shit conversationalist but also I love listening in to their worlds they get in to. Loz seemed particularly impressed that I just randomly got on a train and came to Brighton and to be honest I am as well, I loved being that spontaneous and I want to be able to do that more often. Ahahahaha levi jeans and bowls of tea, jokes.
Amazing weekend. Definitely have crush boy obsession though! Love it.
Bit of a hectic week, exam on monday which I think went pretty well actually, then TV guy, then research methods assignment, went to Asbo’s, then Brighton. Have missed out on so much sleep this week, I am totally shattered. More surreal times coming up this week, ex ex tomorrow, maybe TV guy on tuesday plus uni, job hunting and placement sorting.
Want to vom and then sleep and then vom and then sleep a bit more but have so much assignment work to do. Which will start once the world is standing still again.
Drank a bottle and a half of wine to myself last night. In an attempt to escape from the world, which didn’t really happen, I just got mad and upset. Mad at ex mr chopper, mad at myself, upset at myself.
Had a nice dinner at TV guys and then a really surprisingly good time afterwards but I just don’t think I was really ready. So then I did the worst possible thing and left really quickly, phoned loverr, got more upset and did the ultimate in girly recoveries and bought wine and chocolate (and some fake kfc), hid in moo’s room and downed the lot. By the time moo got back I was very very drunk, swinging the almost empty wine bottle around, we went to get her some food and I was walking down the street shouting my head off, throwing around this bottle. Poor moo. She had to help me cross the road and everything. Aha. Oh and then I emailed ex mr chopper asking him to take the picture of me off cause it upset me, not the blog, just the picture and instead of just saying yeah sure and leaving it he actually tried to argue with me and then blocked me from seeing the blog and said that was good enough. Such a douche. Then finally saying he had deleted it but who knows if he’s telling the truth. I just didn’t understand why he had to be so difficult about it! I wasn’t asking a lot, I wasn’t trying to have a conversation or anything, I literally wanted that picture gone. I was even truthful about how I knew about it cause he asked so I don’t understand why he had to then be so insensitive about it. Whatever, it just goes to show that he may be ‘blogging’ his experiences but what he wrote in the one about me was a load of shit, if he meant any of it he wouldn’t have put up such a fuss about a picture.
Am feeling the effects now though. Dizzy, sick, headache, guilt. All present.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh my heeeeaaaaaaad
Exam in a few hours, prepare for epic fail.
Moo had probably one of the best evenings of a while last night and I am glad to say that I helped and meddled. I want her happy and I’ve known for a while that this is what she needed. I am also extremely sad. Everything that happened is everything I wanted for myself. I wanted that happy ending myself, still do, might still do for a while to come. I just don’t understand why he gave up, I don’t understand what is so hard about being in a relationship. I don’t want another crazy intense living together relationship, thats not what I wanted in the first place, thats just how it was because of being housemates. But a living apart, being excited to make time to spend together, thats the kind of relationship I’d want.
Moo says its ok to still be feeling shit about this cause I was so in love with him. I think its fucking horrible to still be feeling like this cause it just makes life a bit crap really
Got sooooo much going on its ridiculous!
Events: Get bloods done. Exam monday. Assignment 1 monday, assignment 2 thurs. Wayf at Firestation, Dubinum at Firestation, Enter and Drumfunk at Firestation, Opera house on the 11th for Enter Shikari, Hadouken, volunteering with oxfam, some birthdays, interviews.
Life: Uni, job, placement, finding 3rd year house. Planning for after graduation.
I want to go travelling. So many people I know are just picking up and heading out, I so want to do that. I’d love to go around Europe and Australia. I’d quite like to work the festival circuit as well, probably next summer. I just think that would be so amazing!
Mmmmm plans plans plans