Oh Moo

My moo twin has been left by her boyfriend like mine left me. Totally out of the blue, completely unexpected, left wondering and wondering.

I don’t understand why they do this. Apparently he hadn’t even thought about breaking up and then all of a sudden decided it was over, it would be the best thing for her, the best thing for him and that they should just be friends. Uni is too much right now, he might be moving to london in 8/9 months, the timing just isn’t right but maybe it will be.

The parallels between ex mr moo and ex mr chopper are heart rendering. I can’t bear the thought that shes feeling like I did, like I am. And it just brings it all back, all the hurt and pain and confusion. Even now though I feel slightly jealous of her, mr ex moo told her to her face and then instead of ignoring her text told her he would meet up with her if she wanted to talk about things. I would have given, would still give anything to have that option.

I feel like the worst friend in the world. She was so hesitant about going in to this, so worried she’d just get hurt but no no I said, its so obvious how much hes in to you, you can’t be scared of relationships, at least give it a try, hes a good guy. Basically all the things people told me about mr ex chopper. Again we were let down.

I understand now how moo felt with mr ex chopper. She said she was disappointed in him and I really get that. Mr ex moo promised me he wouldn’t do this to her, promised he was really in to her, promised that he would look after her. I fought his corner when she was freaking out about becoming involved with him, promised her he wasn’t like the others and he let me down. I am so angry at him and I want to tell him that, its a wonder moo, apart from one text, didn’t brain mr ex chopper.

I so wanted her to be happy. I so wanted a fairy tale ending for one of us. We are both so broken now from pathetic men, I never wanted it to be like that, I never wanted to give up hope. Especially moo, she has so much to give, she is so sorted and I trusted him not to ruin that. She trusted mr ex chopper not to ruin me.

Lesson learnt. You can’t trust an IMP

I Don’t Know What To Do

I decided in September to not stay in America because I felt like I was running away from my problems, I felt that my health stuff would be sorted, that I wouldn’t be as depressed, I knew I’d miss my girls and my mum too much, miss my home too much. I felt like I would be staying because of how heartbroken I was.

But things haven’t changed, my health isn’t getting better and I’ve tried fixing my mistakes and tried to change things but its not working. I am severely depressed, I’m at the lowest I’ve ever been, my health is dire and I just generally don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

I regret dropping law. I know I could do so well. I just need time to get over this health stuff, get help with this depression, I need an environment where I am pushed until I can push myself again. I use to be so good at that.

All the same arguments for staying and going are still there. Ultimately though, I just don’t see things changing or improving here. More importantly, I don’t see myself being the person I want to be over here either.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Bitter sweet today, I had planned on making a massive thanksgiving feast for the new house and having a real thanksgiving feast day with everyone sat round the table but yeah, not meant to be.

Instead, lovely toby with lovely moo and lovely lezzer. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I tried reaching out, tried to show that I still in some way have his back. I thought maybe it could be the start of moving forward for us but I think I’m just imagining what isn’t there again. Nearly got in an argument with moo over it which is when I realised that I was being stupid. I’m not risking moo love for disappointment! I just wish it could be better. I long for it.

Closing The Door

It’s now coming up to the 4 month break up mark and I’ve come to the conclusion that its just getting pathetic now, I need to stop thinking about him, I need to stop feeling so sad. So for the past few weeks I have been totally lying to myself and had actually managed to start believing in the lie.

Moo, Lezzer, myself and a few others had planned on going out to lava tomorrow night and then a few days ago found out that all the Imps were going out to get trashed and would most likely end up in lava which meant a more than 90% chance of running in to the ex. Oh I’m fine it might actually help me to get over him by seeing him ignore me in the flesh blah blah, is what I said. I even managed to carry on with that spiel for a couple of days but moo, thank god and bless her heart, totally called me out on it. She knew I wasn’t ready for that hurt, she knows I still love him and she made me face up to my own bullshit.

It was a bit of a harsh blow realising that I haven’t been getting over how I feel, I’ve just been stuffing it down and plastering a smile on my face. Even though the signs were still there, still can’t sleep, still so sad, still can’t look at his pictures, still can’t think of him without missing him so much. Still can’t think of us without being so sure this was such a mistake.

The thing thats making my head spin is, I think he misses me as well. I know he still has evidence not just of us but of how much he loved me around. He doesn’t know that I know that. I know he still thinks about me. I know that this doesn’t mean anything, when he left he said he would miss me. But in my head, in my heart, I can’t help but wonder, does he miss me like I miss him? Does he wonder if he made a mistake? Has he been lying to himself like I’ve been doing? Has he been avoiding me because he knows he can’t lie to my face?

I think thats what I need. I need him to tell me to my face, look in to my eyes and tell me. It would hurt a lot but thats what I need. Thats why I still wanted to go out tomorrow night. But moo was right, I’m not ready for that. I don’t think he understands, I haven’t seen or spoken (properly) to him since he left and its made it that much harder to move on, to not have that closure. It doesn’t feel real, all I’ve been left with are these unanswered questions.

Blah.

Oh dear Bob

Oh Bob, why why why. Yeah a month or so ago we pulled and then I kind of forgot you existed. A few days ago you added me on facebook, started chatting to me straight away, wanted my number again, wouldn’t let up on the sex talk and were just your usual crude self. Which I had kind of gotten use to from the first round of chats and in my head I was like ok, some banter and chat is better then none, a little hard work to do with Bob (just generally uninteresting) but maybe it would get more fun and maybe if I could talk myself in to it I could use this opportunity for some getting over the ex lovin’. But as discussed earlier I’m not really in to that, didn’t really spark with each other and i think it would have been sad to have gone from amazing lovin’ to luke warm meh.

Then Bob took me totally by surprise and told me he wasn’t really looking for a girlfriend right now! At first I laughed because I thought he was joking but then realised no, he was serious! Apparently, not trying to meet up with a guy, not really talking that much and not sleeping with a guy doesn’t mean you’re not really interested, it means you want to get serious!

Get over it Bob, seriously.

So I told him that I wasn’t looking for anything with anyone right now and haven’t talked to him since. Even though I thought it was a bit egotistical and slightly cheeky, I hadn’t really thought anymore on it. Until Bob reaffirmed my faith in the fact that most men are just children with pubic hair.

Bob went to a mutual friend and told him that I had been the one to get back in touch, I was the one trying to chat him up and I was chasing him. I’m assuming this was to save face in case I went to the mutual friend to chat shite about Bob (which I wouldn’t have done anyway, if it had been a guy I was interested in and had been gutted about then of course I’d want to talk to someone about it but in this case, what would have been the point?).

I don’t understand why Bob felt the need to do that. What really pissed me off though is I already have an ex spreading how pathetic I am when HE was the fool, I don’t need Bob to be doing it as well!

Guys, word of advice, you may not want girlfriends or relationships now but drop the ridiculous behaviour cause one day you will and no self respecting girl will want you! Fact.

 

I Will Always Care

Sometimes I feel like I’m back to square one and I just can’t stop this overwhelming sadness. I think back to everything that was said, promises we made and I just hate the way its all turned out. I hate that I’m sick and can’t talk to him about it or about any of the fun, crazy stuff thats been going on. I hate that I can’t be there for him when things are stressing him out and its been driving me mad, I don’t understand why I still care! But I do. He was my friend before anything else and I am just one of those people who never really forgets that. Even with people who have really hurt me or let me down or heck accused me of stealing when I never did, I still would be there for them if they needed me. I would still want to turn it around if I could.

Everyone has this perception of me being this cold, moody person who doesn’t like people and yeah, I do think a lot of people do some really stupid things and are generally a pain in my ass, but every single person who has ever touched my life will always be in my heart. I have to put on that cold persona because it is far too easy for me too start caring about them. This is why I put everyone ahead of me, this is why I put myself out there again and again.

I miss my friend, a lot. Nothing more than that, just being able to talk to my friend.

Passion Of The Kate

I keep wishing that I was one of those uber vivacious chicks that could go out and flirt and take a guy home to ruin but I’m just not. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with finding a guy for a night and getting what you need from him, I applaud those girls for being so confident about their sexuality and using it to their advantage. I’m just one of those that needs the va va voom, the build up, the passion! I love meeting someone, hanging out to get to know them a bit, the flirting, the sexual chemistry. Then finally that moment where both of you just can’t hold it in any longer and you have to have each other! Not knowing someone can be a great way to just get your kicks and is a hell of a lot easier but for me I kind of find it a bit cold which is such a turnoff.

For me its all about the spark!

From Married To Single

Changing my facebook status from in a relationship with the ex to single was traumatising, so much so, moo married me and its actually been a real comfort to not read nothing or single in my status thing. However, I have been thinking that its time to accept my single status and embrace it instead of being saddened or ashamed of it, as well as the fact my wife is now in a place where I could see she needed to not be married to me anymore so I’ve been dropping a few hints here and there about divorce and today flat out said, its time.

At first I was a massive coward and just left it blank and then I thought no, this is me, this is who I am and so I am now officially, for the first time in my facebook history, single.

I know its only a small thing but its scary. To admit I’m alone. I actually feel sad about having to divorce my facebook wife but it hit me, this recognition of the need to embrace the ‘single’ part of me, I’m moving on. I’ve finally reached the getting on with life, not holding on to anything anymore stage and yes its very sad and weird but its time and I’m glad.

Or fuck it, I might just marry my Lezzer lover instead aha

Uni

What with everything going on, uni seems to have unfortunately been at the bottom of my thinking pile. But am working hard to keep on top of it all. Was offered a chance at a really great intern position for this events management placement for Beach Break Live (amazing, go, best festival EVER!) but starts in january and goes on for 6 months so couldn’t. Am looking in to publishing placements or hoping to get my foot in at DV8 in Bournemouth which would be ideal. Just handed in my first GTO assignment as well, was very careful about referencing and think I may even have gotten the harvard thing down!

Am totally avoiding my head of year and research methods lecturer as definitely not in their good graces. To be fair, they think I’m waster when actually I’m just trying to survive.

Got booked in for counseling at uni finally which can only be a good thing and again, I’m proud that I’m taking these steps to be a healthy functioning member of society! Yay me!

Still missing the ex, mainly at night (and mainly cause I can’t sleep) but what with everything going on and his dick-acts and the fact I really feel ready to move on, I’m not really thinking too much about it. Yeah I’d have liked to have tried to be friends cause thats what we were in the beginning and I wish he could remember that but I guess its just not meant to be and I’m not going to pursue that anymore…..douche.

Shout Outs

I just want to say, through everything, recently, times past, I have never felt more grateful to have the people in my life that I do. Especially these ones.

Even though we butt heads a lot, my mum is always there backing me up, pulling me out, bailing me out. I couldn’t ask for a better mum really. I just wish I could make her proud more often.

These girls are my family.

Moo. I love her so much, she is my sister and I think it was sexual fate that brought her in to my life. If it hadn’t been for her constant barrage of messages, chats, emails, I truly don’t know how I would have survived being left alone in Alaska. I am so fiercely protective of her and value her friendship so much. Moo is one of those people I would totally take a bullet for and I hope she knows (without having to read this) how much she means to me.

My Loverr. She knows me in ways no one else ever could, my best friend for years and years and someone I’ve always been able to just be me around. I seriously do not know how she put up hearing about so much shit a certain drummer put me through but supported me every second and I am so grateful for that. Our lives have always seemed to run along the same lines and having someone like her with me like that has kept me sane.

My Lezzer lover. The newest addition to my little internal family. Its really hard for me to let new people in to my life but she fitted in so easily and very nicely. She totally cracks me up, is such a lovely and beautiful person and has been so supportive, its really meant a hell of a lot to me. So glad Moo was able to move in with Lezzer and have adopted me as honorary housemate, love our lovely threesome.

My fellow Jew. So similar to each other in personality and someone who is always on my side. I am glad that she was my first real boss person cause I was really scared having a real job for the first time and she told people to give me a chance. Sort of the older sister type I never had to be honest, I really do look up to her which I don’t think she knows.

Asbo. I don’t think there is anyone else out there like her and I feel really fortunate to know her. I depend on her advice a lot cause she tells it like it is, won’t sugar coat it for me and I really listen when she talks. Another person who I really look up to. She’s also the crazy fun breath of fresh air in my life!

love you guys xxxxx