So Why Can’t You?

I was talking to our mutual diabetic friend yesterday. Ever since me and ex mr chop broke up, the way ‘betes boy talks to me is uber sexual and crude and I’ve tried to get him to stop, I’ve asked him to stop, I blocked him for a while to teach him I was serious about him stopping and nothing got through. So I decided to stop being such a tight arse and let it be. I play around back now (and yes a lot of the stuff I say is to hopefully filter back to ex mr chop and piss him off. Cause I’m a vindictive bitch, get over it). Anyway, so once again it was all oh K i’d like to fuck you and I’m like yeah sure come on over and we’ll make it happen haha and he was like ok. I’ll look in to flights, what sort of airlines should I look at and I tell him how its going to be two airlines, its about two grand at least for a ticket and he says cool, I’ll look in to it seriously tomorrow.

What the fuck?

So this guy, who I’ve never slept with, who I don’t actually know that well, who I only hung out with a few times, who is supposed to be good friends with ex mr chop, is willing to lay down a few grand to come and see me? This guy who doesn’t really have a job as well.

If its that easy, if its that….worth it to see me, why the hell can’t you do it? Its this that made me realise, its cause you don’t want to. Its this that made me think, do I actually still love you? Am I actually still in love with you? And I honestly don’t know. I know I still miss you and I get sad when I think about you. But in love still? Possibly. The ache is a lot more numb nowadays. But I still have those moments where the ache becomes this giant abyss inside of me and I can still feel my whole being shouting out for you to hear me.

Ok so maybe yes, still in love. But I feel like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I know I’m not going to feel like this forever. And that helps sometimes. All I can think about right now is, he has been a presence in my life for about 3 years now. I’ve cared about him and loved him basically every day that I’ve known him. I miss him, I miss my friend, I miss my partner in crime. I’m finding it so hard to let go and be with someone else. I’m playing a game where I’m seemingly putting myself out there and trying to meet guys and then any guy who is interested I manage to find one small thing and make it an excuse to not be with that person or try with that person anymore. I feel like there is a cold layer inside of me that needs to be broken before I will let anyone in.

I need someone strong enough to break me free

What I Want To Say To You

I think trying the whole friends thing has been a mistake. Do you see it? We seem to constantly be commenting on each others things. We talk to each other in the way that started this whole mess. We still use our inside jokes. I know this doesn’t mean anything to you, I know that you won’t understand why I think we need to stop now. I wasn’t hurting, at first. I wasn’t back to missing you deep in my core. I have a chance to really actually move on but all I can think about is you. All I can do is look at your pictures and think how I know that face, I know that smile and I’m back to being confused. Confused on why we aren’t together. I feel that empty hurt and loneliness that I did when you left; that loneliness that eats away at everything and its not fair cause I really have been working on fixing it. I know that when you said you loved me and that I was your soulmate, that you probably thought that you meant it and this is the problem. When you said those things I don’t think you really understood what you were saying and so didn’t really mean it. I don’t think this was on purpose, I just think that you were caught up in the moment. So the problem is, when I said that I loved you, when I said that you were the one, I meant it with everything I had. I still mean it. I DON’T WANT TO MEAN IT ANYMORE! I am SO TIRED of meaning it! FUCK YOU FOR BEING OK. FUCK YOU FOR GETTING OVER IT DAYS AFTER YOU LEFT. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME THINK YOU WERE FOREVER. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME THINK YOU WERE DIFFERENT. FUCK YOU FOR LEAVING. FUCK YOU FOR MESSING WITH MY HEAD AFTER YOU LEFT. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FOR COMING BACK IN TO MY LIFE.

Fuck me for letting you

The Room Is Spinning

Want to vom and then sleep and then vom and then sleep a bit more but have so much assignment work to do. Which will start once the world is standing still again.

Drank a bottle and a half of wine to myself last night. In an attempt to escape from the world, which didn’t really happen, I just got mad and upset. Mad at ex mr chopper, mad at myself, upset at myself.

Had a nice dinner at TV guys and then a really surprisingly good time afterwards but I just don’t think I was really ready. So then I did the worst possible thing and left really quickly, phoned loverr, got more upset and did the ultimate in girly recoveries and bought wine and chocolate (and some fake kfc), hid in moo’s room and downed the lot. By the time moo got back I was very very drunk, swinging the almost empty wine bottle around, we went to get her some food and I was walking down the street shouting my head off, throwing around this bottle. Poor moo. She had to help me cross the road and everything. Aha. Oh and then I emailed ex mr chopper asking him to take the picture of me off cause it upset me, not the blog, just the picture and instead of just saying yeah sure and leaving it he actually tried to argue with me and then blocked me from seeing the blog and said that was good enough. Such a douche. Then finally saying he had deleted it but who knows if he’s telling the truth. I just didn’t understand why he had to be so difficult about it! I wasn’t asking a lot, I wasn’t trying to have a conversation or anything, I literally wanted that picture gone. I was even truthful about how I knew about it cause he asked so I don’t understand why he had to then be so insensitive about it. Whatever, it just goes to show that he may be ‘blogging’ his experiences but what he wrote in the one about me was a load of shit, if he meant any of it he wouldn’t have put up such a fuss about a picture.

Am feeling the effects now though. Dizzy, sick, headache, guilt. All present.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh my heeeeaaaaaaad

Poem: Anger

I am addicted to my anger, to the bitter taste of it in my mouth.

I am addicted to my anger, to the warmth it brings to me.

I am addicted to my anger, I feed from it, it is a part of me,

a blackness in my soul, a never ending well full of twisted shapes and broken promises.

I can see my  anger leaking from my eyes, hear it on my breath,

My anger takes the shape of your name and I scream

Cunt

Brian is a fucking cunt. Posting about how much he changed in bad way because of being with me and how it was ok being with me but he lost soooo many mates by spending time with me.

FUCK OFF YOU LYING FUCKING ASSHOLE CUNT!

Changed? Thats funny cause I still have a little ‘love letter’ from him saying how he was able to be the person he could never show anyone. Posts saying how in love he was with me and how happy he was and how he fell in love with his best friend and it was amazing.

Fucking Liar.

And all this shit about losing mates cause of the time he spent with me is such utter BOLLOCKS! I NEVER stopped him from seeing people, I fucking encouraged it!! And so many people have said to me since the split thats hes a shit friend, always has been cause he just can never be fucked to make any effort. The amount of times I said why don’t you go hang out with so and so or invite so and so out or to the house or to parties.

It makes me really sick that he had the fucking balls to post such utter trash.

Fuck you Brian. I’m sorry that being in a relationship means having to think of someone apart from yourself. I’m sorry that it means being in a partnership. I’m sorry that life can be hard and not always sunshine and fairies. But fuck you for being a lying dickhead cuntbag.

There was so much that was amazing between us, I’m so upset that hes now ruined the good memories I had, especially through such lying bullshit!!!!

I really do have such hate for him now, he ruined everything that made us great, blamed me for shit that wasn’t my fault, shit that wasn’t even true, made out it was so horrible being with me when it was only the last month that was a bit rough. He was the untrusting shit, he thinks he was so fucking easy to be with, thinks he was (is) mr perfect. Fuck off, grow the fuck up you peter pan wannabe. Fuck you for throwing all the great times back in my face. Fuck you for being such an arrogant asshole. Fuck you for managing to hurt me again.

Fuck you

Poem: You Did This

So empty, so hollow, so lost inside.

Can you hear me crying, screaming, can you see?

This is you, this is what you’ve achieved.

Do you ever sit and think, while feeling so alive,

As I go through the motions,

If I truly survived?

Do you have any heart left, do you stop and say,

What did I do,

How did I do it,

How did I?

For FUCK SAKE

‘Oh your medical letters don’t seem to have been sent off…..oh you haven’t heard from the endocrinology team….oh your suppression test results don’t seem to be here’.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

How about I just die then? Hmm? Just lay down, kick the bucket and then none of it will matter. No one else seems to be overly concerned that these life saving test results are missing and if the fucking doctors can’t be fucked, neither can I! Appointment to save your liver not for a few more months? Frigging amazing.

I might just actually commit suicide by baileys. At least it would be a tasty and enjoyable way to go!

Hear me

I just want to be heard. I just want to be told its ok. I don’t mean to cause any hurt or upset.

I’m not a bad person. I am not a selfish person. I’ve made mistakes and I haven’t always chosen the best path but I’ve tried. Why is it ok for other people to be fucked up but not me? Why is it ok for other people to be affected by things that have happened in their lives except me? I realise that its been in the past few years I’ve made the most mistakes but what about the other years? The other years and years I wasn’t making mistakes, the years that I carried so much weight with me. Even in the past few years, a lot of the mistakes I’ve made have been to benefit someone else. Selfish? I wish I had been thinking selfishly cause then I wouldn’t be in as much mess as I am. Selfish? I wouldn’t have fought the battles I have. Selfish? I wouldn’t have kept the secrets I have. Selfish? I’d have put myself first, not said things to make others happy, not let myself fall. Inconsiderate? Irresponsible? Always had things my way? Really? I not only consider everyone else’s feelings, I do it to the point of always putting everyone above myself. I would never do anything to hurt someone, I would never make other people make choices that would hurt them or harm others. I know what shes talking about, shes talking about summers and winters away, the fact I fought to make them happen. She thinks I did this to hurt her. This is why I get so angry at my brother, I’ve had to do all the fighting for things he wanted as well but because he doesn’t have a back bone, its looked like I’ve been forcing him to my decisions.

I don’t understand why it always has to come down to picking one parent over the other. Its never been anything to do with that. Its to do with the fact that me and my brother need our mum and our dad, not one or the other. Its not fair that weve always had to choose. Its never been about preferring one over the other, its never been about thinking one is better then the other. Its always been made to be a fucking competition when we just want to have both in our lives.

Of course as a single mum its been hard, harder because of lack of child support, harder because shes always loved him and not gotten over him. Yeah he hasn’t been the best dad in the world or the most supportive but he hasn’t been near the worst either. He lets us know he loves us, he lets us know that if we need him he will try his hardest. I know he hurt her but hes still our dad and I don’t want to have the same relationship with him that she had with her dad or even that he had with his dad. I’m not excusing his behavior, the cheating, the stubbornness and short temper which I’ve inherited, I’m just choosing to work at having a relationship and not be consumed by anger or bitterness. Just like mum has made mistakes as well but I don’t work at being angry at how she chose to cope with things, I choose to try and see her perspective and to get over it. Lack of communication is a big thing in our family. I do feel like I can’t rely on mum emotionally because she doesn’t believe in herself emotionally.

Shes a great mum but sometimes it can be really hard to open up to her. Especially when I try and its like she doesn’t believe me, bringing me back to why I seem to be the only person who isn’t supposed to be affected by things in the past or present. As all mums, she has the greatest ability to make me feel shit about myself and I know she would say the same about me. I just wish she could have a little perspective, I’ve never been a wild child, a drunk, a druggie, gotten pregnant, a chav, violent, abusive. I’ve never trashed the house, I’ve never called her names. I’ve tried protecting her from things I know would really hurt her, I’ve backed her up when my brother walked out, I’ve supported her even if it meant hurting my dad. I chose not to go to my dads wedding because I knew it would really hurt mum, even though I did want to go, just to support dad nothing else, I didn’t and it meant my brother didn’t and that still hurts dad to this day.

I’m not saying that these things make her a bad mum, at all! I’m just saying I wish she could see that I’m not a bad daughter either. And right now I’m just making a choice based on what I feel could be a really good move for me. She needs to realise I’m not doing this to hurt her. I’m doing it to save me so that I can be a better person, make better choices, be a better daughter for her, someone she can be proud of. I don’t want to be the burden and the bad person she thinks I am. I don’t want to be the failure I see myself as. This isn’t about her not being a good enough mum or supportive enough or that she hasn’t done enough. Its about the mistakes and choices I’ve made that have brought me here.

I just wish she could see that. I just wish she could say I support you, take this opportunity, use its full potential and come back the strong successful person we all know you are and can be. At the end of the day, whats it going to hurt to try?

Why Am I Surprised?

So mr ex chopper couldn’t have cared less. I don’t know why I’m surprised. I sort of thought he at least still cared about me a little but I really understand now that even though I miss him as my friend, even though I still care that he’s ok, he just couldn’t give a flying shit about how I am. I tell him I have this health stuff, he doesn’t even ask if I’m ok. I tell him I’m leaving, nothing. I didn’t expect a massive reaction but I guess I thought if I still cared about him as a friend, he would feel the same. He called me his soulmate not that long ago and now instead of showing a little empathy he bugs me over more old house stuff. Yeah cya Kate, before you go can you worry over this old shit? Thanks.

I’m so disappointed in him and in myself for thinking he’s a good caring person. I forgot how selfish he actually is and I feel like I let myself down for not seeing that and for ever loving someone like that.

I’m done. I’m not even going to be sad about it. I’m just done.