Ms Italia Chica

So she started off as the julia stiles lookalike who I sort of got on with at work and all of a sudden shes turned in to a best friend; family. Shes not my moo, no one will ever be my moo, its like moo is my wifey and ms italia chica is our love child, shes exactly what our daughter would be like. Its really funny, theres me the head of the clan then a year younger is moo and then a year younger than moo is chica. I keep finding parts of myself in the most unexpected people. I’m glad I found chica, she keeps me sane, keeps me smiling and even manages to look out for me. Shes even gotten her parents on the whole job hunt thing for me! Who love me by the way, especially her dad for some reason! I think they realise I’m a good friend for their daughter to have and its nice to be thought of in that way. I feel very lucky to have my moo and my chica in my life and yeah, no one will EVER replace moochop but then no one will ever replace chica either.

🙂

Just Want To Belong

That’s all I want, all anyone wants I think. I just want to finally be accepted and understood; I don’t want to be the one to sit in silence wishing that I was a wanted part of the family. I don’t want to be the one who people presume I’m going to throw a fit and so beat me to the punch by making me feel like shit. After everything I have ever gone through and the very very little I have asked for ever, after trying so hard to push myself out of the dark place I’ve been for the past year without any help, after trying to be the best person that I could be and I’m still the disappointment.

Always the fucking disappointment

Arrival

So I am officially in Alaska, got in about 2am on saturday morning minus one bag which didn’t turn up till last night but thankfully made it seeing as it had ALL of my clothes in it! Am feeling a lot more human this morning as made sure I didn’t nap after getting up about 8am saturday and went to bed about 11pm last night. It’s now half7am, been up since 7 but am feeling ok.

Little worried about my legs. On the plane they totally seized up and I kept getting these sharp pains in them that still haven’t really gone away and I kind of have to admit that high sugars makes them feel worse. Dad has set me up with an appointment with an endo on the 21st of July to start sorting me out.

Before I got here ESM decorated my room and it is amazing!! Rich purple and silver/grey fabrics eveywhere, silver/gold sparkling walls, massive mirror, massive chest of drawers in a dark pine (hate light pine), a framed purple flowers print and mass cute pic of lil sis. I even have this massive plant that just looks great and a chandelier light fixture dad put in. Its pretty much my dream room.

Haven’t called boss lady yet as was soooo tired yesterday so am giving her a ring on monday to discuss the job. Blah but at least I have the prospect of a job to earn some moolah!

Lil sis is a person now and is so freaking cute! She talks and sings and entertains and is like a little shadow. I think ESM thought I was getting annoyed at lil sis yesterday cause she is the BOSSIEST little person aha ‘come sit here…colour this not this’. But she really wasn’t, I love having her around. She even helped me put my stuff away, I’d point out something to grab and she would bring it to me although it was more fun to keep turning the walk in light on and off so that ‘taytee, its to dark…all better…taytee its to dark…all better’. Awwww lol.

More to come

Forgotten Who I Am…

I am a girl who wants to be able to love both her parents

I am a girl with some of the best friends a person could have

I am a girl with the most amazing and special soul sister a person could ever wish for

I am a girl lucky enough to have known true love

I am a girl who loves to read

I am a girl who loves music, loves to go dancing, loves gigs and festivals

I am a girl who is comfortable about the subject of sex

I am a girl who loves to listen and give advice if I can

I am a girl who is fiercely protective over my friends

I am a girl who loves amusement parks and scary rides

I am a girl who loves baileys

I am a girl who loves bournemouth, london and new york

I am a girl who loves movies, movie nights and snuggling up to scary movies

I am a girl who loves my Jewish heritage and wishes I could celebrate it more often

I am a girl who hides my real feelings and intentions

I am a girl often misunderstood because of this

I am a girl whose mother thinks is extremely selfish

I am a girl who has spent a lifetime trying to protect my mum without her knowing, often choosing her happiness over my own

I am a girl who has spent a lifetime defending my mum even when I think she’s wrong

I am a girl who has had to hide my feelings for my dad and hurt him in the process

I am a girl who has always been torn in two directions

I am a girl who felt it was my responsibility to be the strong one and not burden anyone with my problems

I am a girl who is now suffering because of that

I am a girl who is lost

I am a girl with no clue about the future

But ultimately, I am a girl who is working on coming back 🙂

Shout Outs

I just want to say, through everything, recently, times past, I have never felt more grateful to have the people in my life that I do. Especially these ones.

Even though we butt heads a lot, my mum is always there backing me up, pulling me out, bailing me out. I couldn’t ask for a better mum really. I just wish I could make her proud more often.

These girls are my family.

Moo. I love her so much, she is my sister and I think it was sexual fate that brought her in to my life. If it hadn’t been for her constant barrage of messages, chats, emails, I truly don’t know how I would have survived being left alone in Alaska. I am so fiercely protective of her and value her friendship so much. Moo is one of those people I would totally take a bullet for and I hope she knows (without having to read this) how much she means to me.

My Loverr. She knows me in ways no one else ever could, my best friend for years and years and someone I’ve always been able to just be me around. I seriously do not know how she put up hearing about so much shit a certain drummer put me through but supported me every second and I am so grateful for that. Our lives have always seemed to run along the same lines and having someone like her with me like that has kept me sane.

My Lezzer lover. The newest addition to my little internal family. Its really hard for me to let new people in to my life but she fitted in so easily and very nicely. She totally cracks me up, is such a lovely and beautiful person and has been so supportive, its really meant a hell of a lot to me. So glad Moo was able to move in with Lezzer and have adopted me as honorary housemate, love our lovely threesome.

My fellow Jew. So similar to each other in personality and someone who is always on my side. I am glad that she was my first real boss person cause I was really scared having a real job for the first time and she told people to give me a chance. Sort of the older sister type I never had to be honest, I really do look up to her which I don’t think she knows.

Asbo. I don’t think there is anyone else out there like her and I feel really fortunate to know her. I depend on her advice a lot cause she tells it like it is, won’t sugar coat it for me and I really listen when she talks. Another person who I really look up to. She’s also the crazy fun breath of fresh air in my life!

love you guys xxxxx