Time For A Revamp!

The perilous tides of academics have once more sweetly called my name and I am back within the walls of knowledge in the pursuit of the dream!

Catchy ay?

This summer has been ridiculous. Full time as a GSH in Alaska, up at 2-3am every day, trying to juggle family, friends, the job, saving, bills, the ever changing feelings for the boyf, the abortion, the homesickness, the fear of the future and everything in between. I’ve written more private than public posts recently in an attempt to shelter the deepest and darkest places within (and because I have become aware of some snoopers. Suffice to say, good at keeping my secret identity secret I am not). I have been exhausted by life and for some reason I thought the end of the so called summer would bring a respite; alas it is not meant to be.

I am thoroughly loving my classes, albeit slightly terrified that I have lost all mental capacity over the summer and will fail every single one. I am taking classes I paid no attention to in my former life and it has been amazing what the brain attains of what was thought lost. Fancy way of saying I am remembering shit. I would call week one a marginal success with definiate room for improvement. Although am impressed with self that as busy as I have been and with as little time spent in the home, I have kept up with expected responsibilities and have yet to be yelled at. I’m sure that time will come…

Just once eensy little minor upset (of which I am blaming for the setback of a completely successful week), and that would be the boyfriend.

I have never had to experience a time where it was obvious to all that I cared vastly more for a guy than he does for me. Its really sad actually; I have all this poetry that is withering, like a glorious sunflower which is going to rot. The fact I care more is not what is bothering me but rather the fact of the very little I ask for which is going unheeded. I am told I am important and cared for, the only person whom he can be himself and honest with. I am also told that he doesn’t really know what he feels or wants and I am constantly reminded that this is his first and longest relationship with a real emotional connection. Ok I fucking get it, you are not where I am and have never been where I am. I want a relationship and he doesn’t know what he wants. I am not hiding what I need from him and I am not pretending to want less than I really do. He says he does not want to lose me and wants to be the guy for me. Awww I hear you say.

Except.

I have seen him (longer than 10mins) twice in the past three weeks. For people in the first six months of a relationship, that lack of time and intimacy is creating a real hardship on establishing a connection. A connection made through time, skin, moments made and shared, laughs, hugs, touches. He sees me through a window and seems content that this brief visual, one I am not even aware of, is all he needs. Maybe for him but for me? A resounding no. This is not all his fault, we both have such busy and varied schedules, it is extraordinarily difficult to find the time to be together. Which is hard but something I could deal with if I thought that this affected him in the same way it affected me.

I am a person of chances. I will give chance after chance until there is nothing left of me. I am not saying this is a particularly wonderful aspect of myself but it is one that stands true to my whole self. So while all of this is going on between the boy and myself, I am still trying and still pushing for him to try and knowing me, I will keep going until I break or he walks away. A part of me is thinking that if he was going to feel for me the way I’d like him to, it would have happened already or at least he would be acting like he was on the way. A part of me thinks maybe we would be better off as friends. With benefits? Possibly, but when we barely have time for each other as people in a relationship, I doubt we would find time as two single people. I also highly doubt I could now just be a hook up to him.

I wish we had close mutual friends, not having someone who really knows us is frustrating to say the least!

What a doozy…..

Self Fulfilling Prophecy

I like the concept of self fulfilling prophecy, it gives me as an individual a lot more say over what happens in my life than fate or destiny. It means I can change it from being one thing to being another. Before, with university, I chose to fuck up. I didn’t choose oh I want to fuck up, I just made decisions that lead me to fuck up. And then after some time of fucking up, that’s all I thought I could accomplish. Since being back at university, I’m discovering that actually, not so much of a fuck up. I’ve  achieved all A grades, all high percentages, apart from in maths. So maybe instead of thinking well I’m shit at maths and always have been, I do actually need to change my attitude, change my self perception and actually get on the deans list like I said I would. Hmm. Interesting thought.

Course once one area of life is going well, the rest falls apart. I’m going to need to beg for some extended time on my bills or default. I need to sort out that magazine thing. Mexican man really needs to either step up or step out. I’m running out of insulin which means I’m going to have to start paying for it. Not happy with my body at all. And my mother fucking period is taunting me cause I can feel it but its still not here so I’m on edge. My skin is awful (another period sign. Thanks mother nature).

Need to step up my game, beginning to lag I think

 

Getting Use To A New Life

I am a full time student at uni, I am working as a lab assistant, I have officially left Todd, I’ve been on a few dates now with the grown up, I’ve been having these run ins with mexican man and have an official date with him tonight, I’ve made a few friends now at uni, one in particular who is totally my type of funny sarcy girl. Mexico next month and then house sitting for chick’s parents. Miss chick. Chick should come home. Yes you should.

The grown up. At least 4 dates, went out with him last night, sledding of all things (was actually fun, just terrifying), and still nothing! Not even a peck on the cheek! I don’t get it? Either hes gay, isn’t actually interested or I smell like a tramp. Could possibly be the tramp thing. Its just a little crazy to me that we’ve hung out quite a bit and I’ve met his friends, hes met my dad, I’m going as his date to his company work dinner and yet we still haven’t even kissed! Batgirl said that its a good thing, that hes an adult who knows what he wants, isn’t just after a shag and maybe I’m just not use to being treated with respect. Which could all be true except I feel like there’s been more than enough respect at this point. I think that if he doesn’t make a move after tomorrow night then I’m going to have to have a chat with him.

I feel kind of guilty actually, I know hes not seeing other people and I feel a bit bad that I’m going out with this other guy tonight, who I also actually really like. Hes a really nice guy who I feel a little more relaxed around to be honest. Just a bit hesitant cause he is a younger guy (only by a few months) but we do seem to have more in common and are in more of the same-ish place in life. He goes to my uni as well (we seem to have similar schedules cause we run in to each other all the time) and it might be nice to have someone to chill with at uni cause he will totally understand my need to do work and will be in the place that I spend the majority of my time. Now that I work there I guess it really is where I’ll be spending most of my time. The funny thing is, I will be working in the engineering building which is where most of his classes are cause that’s his major. No stalking, just coincidence! I’m just not sure if I’m being sneaky? Cause he doesn’t know about the grown up either. I just feel like, until someone has said to me hey are we exclusive, I’m not tied to anyone and if I want to see more than one person I can. Just going to be a bit tight time wise. I don’t know, maybe I’m just rationalizing things to suit me?

I emailed ex mr chop the other day, just a hey hows life, kind of thing. Not because I missed him in the I love you sense, I was just curious cause its been a while. I didn’t get the stomach flip or anything when he replied and I didn’t even get around to replying back for a little while. Just another clue in that I really think I’m over the whole thing.

Might take a nap before this thing tonight. Mmmm plan

Change

I am probably one of the worst people when it comes to dealing with change. I hate it, I hate change, I hate deviating from the normal routine and if I don’t have a routine, I’m a misery to be around and if I do have a routine and it changes, I freak. So, knowing this about myself, why do I feel the need to make loads of massive changes all at the same time?? I’m with a steady boyfriend of 4 years, I jump ship to another guy, risk losing an important friend. I decide to take said guy to meet American father, quit my job, go for an internship. I move back home. I move to another country on a whim. I jump from one job to the other until I land a full time position. I’m happily in that full time position, just starting to feel like I really know the job and then quit to start back at uni. No other job on the horizon yet. Seriously freaking out cause really don’t have much money and apparently to do well at university, one must spend about $500 on books. Change, change, change. I guess deep down I get really bored and feel the need to spice things up. A lot.

Also, guys. I swear to god, every time chick comes home she completely helps turn my shit upside down (love her for it). For one, I actually genuinely think I’ve reached the other side with ex mr chop. I honestly can say that thinking about him doesn’t make me feel sad or in love anymore. I don’t think I love him anymore. Instead of that warm feeling I would get thinking about him, now I just feel kind of…disinterested. I also feel like a bit of an idiot for how I carried on and on about missing him blah blah.

There is this guy. Bit of a history with him, met him last year, was supposed to go on this great date but I harshly bailed and then he had to go back to where he was based and he only just got back like a year later. I like him. I like him in the way that I have a little bit of butterfly action in my belly. I like him in the way that he is the first person since ex mr chop that I actually really want to sleep with. I can’t wait to hang out with him on saturday and go on a real date with him. I’m also scared. I might be coming out the other side of ex mr chop but I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with the bullshit that comes along with being with someone. That’s even if we get on or whatever.

Really, I just need to focus on school and work and making something of myself. I need to put me first from now on.

A shag would be nice though!

Another Step Forward

Got an official letter from the University of Alaska Anchorage offering me a place on the BA Justice degree starting spring term 2012 (January 17th). So here it is, the whole big life changing plan of getting back in to law, getting an undergrad in pre-law and law school after has begun. I will graduate this pre-law program in 2015 and then move to Seattle and do law school. So by the time I finish that and get hired, I’ll be making decent money at about 33. So give it 10 years and I’ll be a real grown up.

Only 10 years aha. Bad jokes. But at least getting back on track with life.

Yay me

Thoughtful Mode

First weekend back at HAP was really  good; got two star of the moments, AM supervisor likes me, got to hang with heartbreak which was really fun. No manly prospects there cause they are all either ultrasounds (baha heartbreak, you crack me up) or on first name terms with mr.reaper. Not loving the new bag boys at the minute cause they seem disinclined to help with tallying which pisses me off when there are 6-8 of them standing around and then new girl heartbreak is nearing a stress meltdown. But I will kick them in to shape eventually.

After working at HAP though, I am kind of hating being back at TC. I dunno, I just don’t feel as excited or motivated to accomplish anything here, the boss man is fucking crazy, supervisor is a bitch, inventory guy is super stressful to be around, the work is just tedious. I’m kind of thinking that the plan is, once I know for sure that I’m going back to uni and thats all sorted, I’m going to hand in my resignation, work full time at HAP and then start school. I’m going to look for a part time job either on campus, at AK fitness or something close to home. If (on Thursday when I have my meeting with the uni guidance person) I’m told I can not do school till next year then obviously I will have to stick it out here. If I am told that uni is not really possible at all then I think I’m going to just leave AK. I might go to Seattle, I might go to Oregon or I might go back to the UK, work full time and live with moo. Who loves this idea the best aha. Yes I will miss little sis and bro and parentals but I came out to start over and if I can’t do that the way I wanted, I might as well go home and fix shiz there. I know now that I can and I’m capable. I know now that I can control my money and be a grown up. I miss moo, I miss UK. I don’t like American boys at all so theres nothing like that holding me back.

Maybe I’m just restless. Maybe I’m not a person that is meant to stay in one place for very long or maybe I’m the type of person who feels like if things are too sorted and placid that they need to be really shaken up. The thing is, I know once I have an idea in my head, it gets stuck there and niggles away at me until I do something about it. Christ, going back to the UK. Parentals would be pissed. And hurt. Mostly hurt I think. But again I don’t know, it would mean I wouldn’t be a burden on them anymore, they would have that extra room back and be able to be comfortable in their own home again. So yeah why don’t I just move out then? Cause I don’t want to live with people I don’t know, that thought it just horrendous to me.

If the college thing works out that would be amazing. I’m ready for it now, I’m ready to put the work in and I’m ready to start my future. I’m ready to be around people like me again. I’m ready to meet people who will eventually be good friends. I’m ready to not throw it all away this time, to not be controlled by a manipulative guy, to not put a guy above me and my needs and my goals. Being with the ex ex and going to uni was a mistake because he just used me as a maternal support system and I threw the whole uni experience away cause making him happy, not studying, not making friends, not putting things above him was more important. Cleaning up his messes and bailing him out time and time again basically ruined my life. And then jumping in to things with ex mr chop was like system overload. I feel like I have learnt from all of this.

I just wonder, what comes next?

Waiting For Life To Begin

I am literally just sat around now waiting for things to start happening; beach break in a week, then packing for America, mum’s birthday, doctors appointment, goodbyes and then getting on the plane. I think I have a plan, well two actually. If I get in to third year I will come back, live with moo, graduate and get in to publishing. If I don’t, I’m going to take some time out, save up some money, find my feet and start with a fresh slate doing what in my heart of hearts I know I was born for. I am argumentative, opinionated, always right, can argue black is white, I love to debate and I want to get back to using my more than capable brain. I am meant to be in court, I was born to stand up in front of my peers and make them see things my way. I’m ready for it now, I want to work for it now, so thats what I will do. I’m ready to stop being the fuck up now and do something with my life, I’m ready to make my family proud of me again and I’m ready to feel proud of myself again! But thats not just if I go back in to law, I would more than love to get in to publishing as that is my other passion; reading, books, literature, fantastical stories, epic tragedies. Graduating from Bournemouth and going in to publishing (probably and hopefully somewhere in London) would also be amazing. Harder because I wouldn’t be working with a clean slate but still fulfilling. The dream always has been and always will be to end up in New York, in an amazing loft apartment in Manhattan being able to afford all the Choos and Blahniks I could ever want. That is the goal and I will get there.

I fucking promise you that

Neeeeervous

GTO exam tomorrow. Am nervous but have some hope.

Been in the bad bad place since yesterday, I really don’t know why and I really don’t know what the hell is wrong with me but my sleep has gone crazy again, I keep crying, I keep thinking bout ex mr chop and the ex ex. I keep thinking that nothing matters cause I won’t be coming back, once that plane hits Alaska thats it, I’m going to work for a bit, I’m going to save a bit of money, I’m going to let my head settle and then start school again with a fresh perspective and actively aim for purpose in my life.

I dunno, I just think sometimes that I am so done here

Just Change

I’ve been thinking recently, all it could take is one large shot, one low blood sugar in the middle of the day when I’m all alone and it could be over. It would be so easy.

I thought I was back to hating ex mr chop, I thought that I was back to being so angry at him but I’m not; its me, me I’m angry with, me I’m disappointed in, me I’m hating. I’m mad for still being so weak, so reliant on my mum to bail me out. I’m mad that its been a month since I was reassured that I was going to get some help and still nothing. I hate myself for still not stopping being around the ex ex. I’m disappointed in myself for still whining about all of it!! I feel like I keep looking down on myself in utter bemusement screaming to just take control of the situation and change it! To just take it a day at a time and start looking at some positive fucking aspects of my life for a change.

Last week I did a lot of revision and I mean a hell of a lot. My goals this week is to get my indesign done tomorrow, diss and options done weds and start text book revision thurs. Tomorrow I need to ring the docs, wednesday I’m going to pick up my shiz from the pharmacy then go to uni. I am going to revise my ass off, pass my exam, get in to third year, go to beach break next month (AHHHHHHHHHHHHH only next month!!!!!!), go to america and work the summer, come back with some money, move back to bomo and in with moo and M, work my ass off for third year, get at least a 2:2, move to london and get in to publishing, get some experience and then move to new york.

See? I do have plans. All I have to do is not take the easy option and end it all and believe that I can do this.

MTFU is my new motto: Man The Fuck Up!

Yaaaaaaay!

Managed to find another ipod to replace mine for a mere £40, got a wall charger so can reset it and it should be here within a few days! So excited, have been missing my ipod LOADS! Also managed to get mum’s birthday presents so now I don’t need to be all worried about that in June and I know she’ll really like them so yay!

Sort of stopped taking my anti moaning pills and have been feeling a little extra moody and shite basically so am going to get a refill on my prescription tomorrow and stick to taking them this time. I was sort of experimenting, seeing if not taking them made a difference to taking them and that was sort of a fail aha but now I know.

Going to be a busy week at uni this week, need to get on the revision, finish diss proposal and send in my options. Busy busy!

Every night for the past week I’ve been having the same sort of random dream. I’ll be in a room with ex mr chop and we are full on fighting with each other, complete screaming match about what he did and how its affected me, how much I hate him and then he’s just as angry with me and I wake up so confused! I know its not real cause it was only a dream but from the things he has said to me since we split he really made it seem like I did something really wrong and he was really mad at me as well and its like my head is firstly saying all the things I’ve wanted to say to him and also work out why he would be angry with me??

Last night was a weird one though, I was dreaming that someone was next to me in bed and was whispering in my ear which woke me up. Don’t know who but I was really convinced they were there and actually rolled over to check. Ohhh maybe its the house ghost playing tricks on me……

Back to revision