Who Knows

I don’t know if I will ever truly forget the ex ex. I don’t know if I will actually ever be able to fully let go of him, he was too big a part of me for so long and to be truthful he has helped heal a large part of me. I will physically let go and move on because I can’t be around him while he is with her anymore but its going to be (already is) very hard. He’s become my friend who I care very much about and although he might not feel the same about me thats ok; I care about people whether they like it or not, whether they deserve it or not cause thats just who I am. If things were different in respect to the girlfriend then yes they would be different all round; I don’t mean being in a relationship but being able to hang out without the guilt and occasionally on a flat surface would be nice.

I don’t know if I will ever 100% get over what ex mr chop did (the effects run deep) and I don’t know how long it will be until he is completely out of my system; until I completely stop missing him or what we had. It still stings but it doesn’t consume me anymore; it still makes me a bit sad but its hard to be sad and miss someone who has completely changed and who isn’t there anymore. I know it has now been a decent amount of time but it took me a year to get over doo-ron and he meant no where near as much to me so I’m not going to worry about that.

Its weird with the ex ex cause I feel like we were over a long time before we actually broke up (he might argue this but then he has to think of the monumental arguments, the lack of sex, the lack of communication, the not liking him going out cause of the lack of trust which WAS earned, the money strain which I’m still paying for by myself by the way), but then I don’t think I actually gave myself enough time to mourn the relationship hence why I still thought about him and had that little episode of texting after the skate gig thing.

I think America will be good for me; time off boys, away from situations that aren’t good for me (that I admittedly do tend to put myself in) and time to just focus on me for a while, see if I can’t sort myself out a bit

Poem: Haunted

Asleep, awake, alert; you haunt me.

Everything we use to share; music, passions, jokes and smiles; they haunt me.

Corners have shadows that look like you, move like you, play like you; the darkness haunts me.

You were my never ending dream, now my unshakeable nightmare.

You were my always and forever, now I wish I could exorcise you.

Memories burned on the inside of my eyes forever, memories that whisper sweet nothings to me day in, day out,

My love; you haunt me

Welcome Back Conscience

I have been having the same dream for the past week. I dream that the girlfriend finds out and its horrible and she’s so upset and I am the big bad guy and it just all ends up shit. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be the cause of such hurt and I don’t want to get caught in the crossfire either. I don’t want ¬†lovey dovey relationship; I don’t want to be accountable to or for anyone else. But I also don’t want to have to hide all the time, its boring, its to structured and its….limiting. So stopping it is half for her and half for me. I don’t know how he is going to feel about this, I’m not sure he’s even going to really care? But as much as he needs to grow up and stop being selfish, so do I. I need to grow up and not fuck about with someone else’s love. I need to stop going back to him to fulfill my own selfish needs. I don’t want to, I really really don’t, its so easy being with him, its so easy what were doing. But thats not a good enough reason to carry on and I need to start feeling like a good person again

I Don’t Recognise Me

I use to be this complete romantic believing in soul mates and forever type of person. I use to think being in love was the best feeling in the world; but why cut yourself when you can be in love. Why choose a relationship with a person over relationships with your friends; friends can still hurt us and let us down but they never hurt us in the way a supposed ‘partner’ can and support us in ways a partner never could. And it just doesn’t exist; the strong everlasting monogamous relationship is a fantasy, people are meant to be with one person for ever and ever, in fact the only reason marriage was ever invented was due to property and the evolution of heirs. Yes there are people who have been together for years and years and 99% of them are fucking miserable, or staying together because of responsibilities and because they don’t want to be lonely. I think thats probably the worst relationship to be in, the one where you stay out of obligation and convenience. I think people need to face up to the fact that in these times the most honest and the strongest relationship is one where you both face reality and accept that we can’t get everything we need from one person. People have so much variety in life nowadays it seems like it was only a matter of time before variety in relationships was needed as well.

Its basically having your cake and eating it.

I’d rather have the relationship where I get to miss the person and be excited to see them. The relationship where my own happiness and how I want to live and be stays more important to me than his. And the relationship where if something happened, if it ended, if he went away, if there was a hard choice to make; it would sting a bit but it wouldn’t be the end of my world. No real responsibilities, no one relying on me, no one for me to rely on.

I still love to read the stories of the true loves and ‘the one’. But its just so…naive to think it exists in the real world. I’m not even being bitter, I’ve just changed and realised it

Neeeeervous

GTO exam tomorrow. Am nervous but have some hope.

Been in the bad bad place since yesterday, I really don’t know why and I really don’t know what the hell is wrong with me but my sleep has gone crazy again, I keep crying, I keep thinking bout ex mr chop and the ex ex. I keep thinking that nothing matters cause I won’t be coming back, once that plane hits Alaska thats it, I’m going to work for a bit, I’m going to save a bit of money, I’m going to let my head settle and then start school again with a fresh perspective and actively aim for purpose in my life.

I dunno, I just think sometimes that I am so done here

Healing

For the first time in a while I read a book and enjoyed it in the way I use to. I couldn’t put it down, I could hear the characters and I took something from it. It was a story of a woman who was broken through the mistakes of her family, broken through losing who she thought was the love of her life and yet she still overcomes these things and ends up with the right guy and is happy. She learns from her mistakes and the mistakes of her parents and builds on those lessons to make herself stronger. I know it was only a fictional book about a fictional woman but it made me think; I will not always be broken and just because I come from a broken background doesn’t mean I’m going to make the same choices.

I’ve been working hard so I’m feeling ok about the exam. I’ve been taking my pills so I’m feeling less frustrated. I’m looking forward to beach break and I’m going out to America at the end of June and working which I’m sort of excited about. Yeah I’m still in a crappy place, yeah I still miss what I had but its not the end of the fucking world! Yeah every so often I’m in the dark place but jesus christ its not that bad!

So excited to see maddie next month!

That Time Of Year Again

So with the summer approaching the inevitable fight over seeing dad begins. Well in reality the fight begins as soon as the plane lands after the previous visit has ended but the real drama always begins around this time.

It sucks. Every year, every year being made to feel shit, like a terrible hurtful unfeeling messed up weak daughter. Tired of getting it in the neck from both mum AND dad. Tired of it being made in to a war of who the better parent is, who the ‘kids’ are choosing. I’m tired of having to deal with mum’s shitty moods just because dad called, I’m tired of not being able to miss or love my little sister, I’m tired of having to say the same things over and over when it doesn’t make any difference every fucking year.

It’s the same guilt from mum every year as well. That I don’t appreciate her, that I’m out to side with dad, that I’m this massive fuck up who should do more for her and the house and that I treat her like crap and am therefore a horrible daughter. I don’t understand why she doesn’t see that its not about ‘choosing’ a parent, its about choosing to keep a relationship with my dad going. That its not about me not appreciating her or anything she does; if I didn’t appreciate her, if I was choosing dad over her, if I was so in dad’s corner all the time, WHY AM I STILL HERE?? How many years, how many trips have there been where we have gone over and come BACK? What about last summer when I came back? What about choosing not to go after christmas? What about telling her to her face that I came home for HER and have stayed in the country for HER?

It sucks that for years and years I have fought her corner and tried so hard to protect her and tried so hard to be on her side whilst still trying to maintain a relationship with my dad. It shouldn’t have needed to have been like that. Like this.

My dad is not perfect. He broke my mum’s heart and I think having to deal with that, the end of her marriage, raise his children with no support; that is so shit. I don’t even think I could have dealt with half that amount of pain and I think she’s amazing for that. But she’s made her pain our pain and thats not fair and all of this has had such a profound influence on what makes me, me and I really wish it hadn’t.

I wish she could, after all these years, just try and see it through my bro’s and mine eyes. Or at the very least, hear what we say instead of hearing what she perceives

First Actual Run In

And he didn’t even have the MOTHER FUCKING BALLS TO EVEN ACTUALLY SAY HOW ARE YOU, OH NO, MUCH EASIER TO RUN AWAY AND HIDE BEHIND THE MOTHER FUCKING BAR AND WALK PAST ME AND PRETEND LIKE I WASN’T EVEN FUCKING THERE.

FUCKING DICKHEAD CUNTBAG ASSHOLE GRANDMOTHER FUCKER. GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS YOU FUCKING PRICK OR HAVE THE DECENCY TO JUST LEAVE THE PLANET. AND TAKE OFF THE PRETENTIOUS FOX STICKER, YOU DON’T EVEN OWN A BIKE LET ALONE RIDE ONE IN A PROFESSIONAL SETTING.

Cunt