I do realise I am a big drama queen but after that massive huge screamed at thing I did literally just want to crawl into a ball and fade away. Instead I thought about what had been said, I really took a good look in to myself and decided to not be angry and sad at the world and instead accept responsibility for myself and although the way it came about was totally unjustified and how I was talked to was inappropriate and some things were not really true, the things I know I have done and the behaviour I know I have committed I decided to apologise for and actually try harder to change. So since that day things have been a lot better and it has been acknowledged that I am actually trying. Which is nice.
Had a really good week at work this week, hung out with Julia-Stiles a lot which makes any work day go a lot faster and weve hung out a lot more after work as well. Its nice to have a real friend over here, she even said today that I’m more than welcome to visit her at school. Had a lot of doc appointments and it actually seems like I’m getting somewhere for a change.
Drag show time!
I literally don’t know why I’m even alive or what the point of being here is. Even when I think I’m doing good and being better, every single time I start feeling ok about myself, someone is there to remind me that I’m not and I’m still a fuck up and I’m still to hard to have around. Apparently I am a liar. Apparently I am constantly ungrateful and unhelpful. Apparently I am not trying. Apparently I didn’t know this; I really didn’t. I do now of course and I’m left wondering that obviously this is the person I am and I’ve tried to fix me and I’ve tried to ask for help and I’ve tried to be someone completely different and nothing seems to work so, what is the point.
I am not a liar. I am not a bad person. I am not ungrateful. I am not a total fuck up, I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol or been arrested or have a criminal record, I am not violent, I am not unhelpful. I am just not the person some people think I should be. I am just a bit defeated. I am just hoping to die. I am just lost. I am trying not to be these things but its going to take longer than a couple of months.
I wonder though. Whats the point
I still love you. And I always will
That’s all I want, all anyone wants I think. I just want to finally be accepted and understood; I don’t want to be the one to sit in silence wishing that I was a wanted part of the family. I don’t want to be the one who people presume I’m going to throw a fit and so beat me to the punch by making me feel like shit. After everything I have ever gone through and the very very little I have asked for ever, after trying so hard to push myself out of the dark place I’ve been for the past year without any help, after trying to be the best person that I could be and I’m still the disappointment.
Always the fucking disappointment
It has officially been a year now since ex mr chop randomly up and left. Exactly a year ago that I was in this room; a broken shell who couldn’t stop crying and began to have serious insomnia issues. Exactly a year that I was laying on this bed praying that he would just stay away for this night and in the morning would call me, telling me he made a mistake and wanted to come back. This time last year I felt so sick I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t think about anything but the fact that the guy I was completely in love with, who I had brought to my dads home in America to meet my family, the first guy I had trusted enough to bring in to my family like that, who had told me hours earlier how much he loved me and who I had told that I was so happy he was here with me, turned around and left. He just left. I feel like I have been half the person I use to be since then. This time last year was the first day for the next year where I could actually feel that my heart was broken and its a pain that hasn’t gone away yet. It has dulled and it is now manageable but its not gone. Break ups happen but in that one moment I lost my best friend, my lover, my boyfriend and the first person I trusted with my whole being that would never hurt me, who would always want the best for me like I wanted the best for him. A whole year and even now he can’t bear to even be my friend a little. He can be friends with his ex who cheated on him and broke his heart but he can’t even be my friend a little bit. He was my best friend. My best fucking friend. And since he walked out a year ago I’ve seen him exactly twice, in brief passing. Its been hard because first I had to get over losing him as my boyfriend, the guy I lived with, the guy I was going to live with again, the guy I came to America with and then I had to get over losing him as my friend. He promised. He promised that we would always stay friends. And he couldn’t even do that.
I wasn’t important enough, good enough, enough in any way. I’m still not. I don’t blame him for leaving me, I would have just dragged him down
How much I still love him or how hard it is to be so far away and not know if I will ever see him again. I’ve actually had loads of male attention recently from perfectly great guys but I’m just so not interested and I know it’s because in my heart of hearts I want to be with him. When I was younger I thought I was frigid cause I’d have these cute guys interested and I’d try to be interested back but it kind of made my skin crawl. But then marine wannabe happened then the ex ex then ex mr chop. When I really truly like someone I can’t help myself around them and I’m not interested in anyone else. This is my problem now; I want him and anyone else, as nice as they may be, is just not going to win me over.
I am going to be alone forever