I don’t think I can do it! I don’t think I can sit across from ex mr chop and him being all loved up and pretend that I don’t care, even for an hour. I definitely can not sit across from him for the first time since we broke up and pretend that or do that with someone else there. I don’t think my brain and mouth will connect in a workable fashion. Maybe seeing him isn’t in the cards yet, maybe I’m still not ready for that. I also think its a bunch of bullshit, you can’t be my friend on facebook but you want me to meet you and be friendly in the real world?! I know that on some (or all) levels I am being a fucktarded nutcase and thinking way too much in to things, trust me when I say I fucking hate that I do this but I just know that the wall I built up not to keep anyone out but to block myself from certain feelings, has a real chance of crumbling if I see him. It would have been easier if I was in a relationship but I’m not and I don’t think it’s fair that he has that extra layer of protection! I don’t want to be the sad single one who can’t seem to make it work with anyone else. Also there is a very huge chance that I may throw myself at him seeing as I still haven’t had as good sex since I was with him. I hate that my vagina is also against me. Haha.
Bomo tonight!! Was talking all night last night with loverr and treacle about sunday, am SO excited to see them! Need to make new years plans as well, moo wants to do this family thing that I’m invited to but I feel like it’s all couples who I don’t know and as much as I love moo, I kind of want to get drunk and stupid with the possibility of finding a new years kiss. But at the same time I know I’d have a lovely time with moo, even if I feel like I’m kind of crashing (which is the main thing).
Fair play, I said that he would have to get in touch and he did. And I said that he had prob forgotten I was even home and he didn’t. I don’t honestly see why he wants to get a drink or anything though, as much as I want to see him, it’s not like how he wants to see me. It’s like how me and the ex ex are. He wants to really see me in the way I really want to see ex mr chop but ex mr chop only wants to see me in the way it’s nice for me to see the ex ex; it’s nothing more than just a friendly catch up. Confusing I know but it makes sense to me. I feel like the ex mr chop even feels bad for me, hiding his relationship status even though that was hardly necessary; been there, seen it, accepted it (mostly, haha), so it’s ok, no need to feel pity and have to hide the girlfriend from the crazy ex. He didn’t even want to see me on his own, had to be like for an hour with his friend by his side, awesome. I mean I really do appreciate the gesture, I just guess right now I’m disappointed that reality always wins over expectations and that I never learn otherwise.
Soooooo excited to see my girls and bomo tomorrow though!!!
Finally have made it back to the UK. Talk with mum when landed was fine, saw Nanna and evil bitch aunt and that was fine. Saw my moo. Oh.My.God. I didn’t want to fucking let her go, as soon as we saw each other everything just clicked and felt right and normal and good. I was the most relaxed I have been in so long just being around her and I know it was good for her to be around me. I am completely worried about her lack of dealing about her daddy and I’m hoping that now I’m home and that the business will be sorted by the end of the month, she will finally be able to focus on her and her emotions and I’ll be here to be the rock she needs. Love her so so so so much.
Haven’t really been in touch with anyone yet, kind of letting the jet lag and chest infection die down. I feel like I am on standby, just waiting to see if ex mr chop will get in touch. I know I know that he won’t. I know I know that he prob doesn’t even remember that I am home. I unblocked him on facebook so that maybe if he even checked, it would be like a sign that I am open to hear from him but only if he gets in touch. He is the one in the relationship now so he needs to be the one to contact me if he wants to see me. I wish…I don’t know. So many things.
I was talking to mum about being afraid of the collections people and that being a major reason why I don’t think I’ll be able to ever come home haha and she told me that it’s a really simple fix and all I need to do is contact them and come to some sort of arrangement. She said it’s totally doable and if I’m coming home once I have my degree (which I am planning on so watch out UK in 2015!) then it’s better to sort it sooner rather than later. So I might either do it next December or the summer of 2014 when I’m over.
Looking forward to being in bomo friday/saturday, drinkies with farmer boi saturday, dinner with the girls sunday, christmas, new years with moo. So many things to do and people to see!!