For The First Time In A Long Time

I haven’t been able to write here since what, two days after I met the music man and we’ve been together since. I know that no relationship is perfect, I know for sure that none of my relationships have been perfect. I really wanted to trust him completely though, I really wanted him to prove me wrong and in some ways he was even fucking worse than the ex ex and hurt me more than ex mr chop.

That stupid fucker posted pictures of himself online, asked for pictures of other girls from online, was a member of three different dating sites, one of which is the infamous Ashley Madison made to cheat site. He told me it was all for porn, all to get off, just something he’s done for years and not a big deal, he would never ever cheat and never wanted to. I get it, we all have fetishes and this was his. I say was because FUCK YOU IS THAT ACCEPTABLE TO DO BEHIND MY FUCKING BACK YOU ASSHOLE.

It’s feeling especially fresh today because I guess it wasn’t just about getting pictures and getting off.

I snoop. It’s a thing and it’s a thing that started with the ex ex and his ‘other phone’ and his groupies and flirting and meg and livi and feeling like the fat boring credit card shaped girlfriend. Then I met ex mr chop and I was fine until something felt wrong and I snooped and classily he had been googling how to break up with me. Sort of downhill from there. And then the music man and his weirdly possessive friend A. Who turned out to be an ex who didn’t quite know she was an ex, making me an unknowing other woman. That was the first little crack but I did understand the situation and to the most that I could, got over it. And it wasn’t until months later that I saw the Ashley Madison thing which wasn’t actually due to snooping for a change. Finding out all about that and plenty of fish and craigslist and pictures, that was snooping.

This happened and it was in August I found out and had it out with him. Took about a week of talking and serious consideration of breaking up. I’ve since then kept my distance from his phone and computer except for moments of complete fucking weakness which he doesn’t know about. Like being told he had stopped talking to A and hadn’t. That things between them were a lot more serious than he still has yet to admit.

Back on point. Stupid fucker left his computer here and I had one of those moments, fuelled by the fact we are signing a lease tonight to live together for the next year and I am so fucking scared that I am making this huge mistake cause even though I really love him, I think that due to past behaviour, he is going to really fucking hurt me. Badly. And now I will have to deal with the disaster of a break up with someone I live with. Yeah he did the dirty pic thing, yeah he’s stupid for sometimes leaving his face in. But that stupid fucking dirty little cunt went on to craigslist and started chatting up some rando girl, being all nice and flirty and jokey over the course of several days when he was away for work. He says he would never and has never cheated and yet there are messages suggesting a meet up. All for kicks of course. THAT STUPID FUCKER WHEN HE WAS AWAY FOUND SOME CHILD ONLINE (19) AND MESSAGED HER FOR DAYS AND DAYS PRETENDING TO BE THIS SINGLE NICE GUY WHEN HE WAS WITH ME. BORED ARE YOU? THEN FUCKING MESSAGE YOUR FUCKING STUPID PATHETIC GIRLFRIEND.

AND NOW I CAN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING CAUSE WE ARE SIGNING A FUCKING LEASE TONIGHT. And if I back out, the roomie are going to be really super mad and I’ll prob end up moving back in with dad and step-beast.

So I’m basically saying that living with my boyfriend who I keep saying I’m going to be with always, is pretty much the lesser of two evils?

I love him, I really do. I know that he loves me too. I just also know on some level, I don’t think I’m enough for him and I don’t think he’s the person he’s trying to be right now. I feel like this is the Alaska version of himself, or at the least it is himself but he misses being younger and less responsible? I don’t know. Most of the time I really feel like I know who he is and then I’m reminded of what a good liar he is. And then I think of the things he’s done for me for example, addressing my crazy and wanting to work with me to actually get through it and change it instead of ignoring me (the ex ex) or breaking up with me (ex mr chop). Which is pretty huge.

And then I am reminded of what a good liar he is.

I don’t know what to do. Every relationship is flawed, everyone has their little secret. I just know that I am really good at sticking it out with the wrong person for the wrong reasons and I will be damned to go through that again.

Welcome back to reality, only took 8 months!

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So Why Can’t You?

I was talking to our mutual diabetic friend yesterday. Ever since me and ex mr chop broke up, the way ‘betes boy talks to me is uber sexual and crude and I’ve tried to get him to stop, I’ve asked him to stop, I blocked him for a while to teach him I was serious about him stopping and nothing got through. So I decided to stop being such a tight arse and let it be. I play around back now (and yes a lot of the stuff I say is to hopefully filter back to ex mr chop and piss him off. Cause I’m a vindictive bitch, get over it). Anyway, so once again it was all oh K i’d like to fuck you and I’m like yeah sure come on over and we’ll make it happen haha and he was like ok. I’ll look in to flights, what sort of airlines should I look at and I tell him how its going to be two airlines, its about two grand at least for a ticket and he says cool, I’ll look in to it seriously tomorrow.

What the fuck?

So this guy, who I’ve never slept with, who I don’t actually know that well, who I only hung out with a few times, who is supposed to be good friends with ex mr chop, is willing to lay down a few grand to come and see me? This guy who doesn’t really have a job as well.

If its that easy, if its that….worth it to see me, why the hell can’t you do it? Its this that made me realise, its cause you don’t want to. Its this that made me think, do I actually still love you? Am I actually still in love with you? And I honestly don’t know. I know I still miss you and I get sad when I think about you. But in love still? Possibly. The ache is a lot more numb nowadays. But I still have those moments where the ache becomes this giant abyss inside of me and I can still feel my whole being shouting out for you to hear me.

Ok so maybe yes, still in love. But I feel like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I know I’m not going to feel like this forever. And that helps sometimes. All I can think about right now is, he has been a presence in my life for about 3 years now. I’ve cared about him and loved him basically every day that I’ve known him. I miss him, I miss my friend, I miss my partner in crime. I’m finding it so hard to let go and be with someone else. I’m playing a game where I’m seemingly putting myself out there and trying to meet guys and then any guy who is interested I manage to find one small thing and make it an excuse to not be with that person or try with that person anymore. I feel like there is a cold layer inside of me that needs to be broken before I will let anyone in.

I need someone strong enough to break me free

Definitely A Monday

Here’s the thing. I know that I am still obsessive over where it went wrong and what happened and how I still have feelings for him. I know that he does not think or feel in the same way. And I now know that my whole charade of ‘I’m over you’ obviously worked. But to someone who knows me, really knows me, they always see through that. They know I’m just putting on a show and they try to not mention anything that will hurt me or even bring him up. I know it’s been nearly a year and half since he left. I realize in that time I should be so over this by now that I’m happy with someone else. However, I’m not and people who know me, know I’m not. I know it’s been nearly a year and a half but I haven’t really changed; not as a person, not how I think or feel about things. So why doesn’t he know this? He’s supposed to know me inside out, even if it has been a year and half. So why doesn’t he? And if he does, which I really really think he does, why send me that sort of message? A message to tell me he thinks about me, a message acting like he cares, a message with a link to a song where the basic premise is a guy who is in love with a girl and wants to be with her. A guy who knows that they’re made for each other and not made for each other but wants to be with this girl anyway. Apparently this song came on and reminded him of me. Yeah? In what way exactly? Basically all that’s happened is I randomly popped in to his head momentarily and he decided on a whim to send me a message and friend request. Cause apparently we are ready to be ‘friends’ now. When the fuck did that happen?? When he told me my life was shit? When he ignored my email of friendship? When he walked past me and barely acknowledged my existence? Oh yeah, were all set to be the best of buds now aren’t we? You asshole. Everlong. Of course. Fucking Pandora. Why do I still think I know him? Why do I still think he knows me? Why be ‘friends’? I mean really, I’m in Alaska. It’s a bit fucking late to try with each other. Although I suppose this is why he’s doing this, cause it can give the appearance of being the good guy and wanting to put all the bullshit aside and be mates again but because we are both so far away from each other, he doesn’t actually have to put any effort in, there are no consequences and there is no fear of running in to each other. In the part of me that still loves him and daydreams about him turning up at the door to proclaim his love and severe stupidity, I imagine that he’s reaching out because he wants to make that daydream a reality. In the part of me that deals with reality, I am bitterly confused and tired. I don’t want to ruin the ex mr chop in my head who is my forever but the ex mr chop in real life makes it really hard sometimes. Which isn’t fair, the fantasy ex mr chop is all I have left.

On the bright side, Mexico in 3 days, woooooooooooooop

What Am I doing?

What the fuck am I doing? I don’t even know. Are we friends? After everything I said? After everything he said? Am I walking in to something bad? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Are there feelings there? Or am I still hurting from mr ex chopper? I wouldn’t want mr ex chopper to know, I think cause I still love him. Oh Brian. Things would be so much simpler if you were still around. Everything would be different. I wish you had still cared about me as a friend, I know for a fact I wouldn’t be doing this if you had. Am I wanting to punish mr ex chopper? I don’t think so. I feel like I’m knowingly going in to something that is not going to end well but I can’t seem to stop myself. I feel like I’m just setting myself up to be hurt and made a fool of but I don’t care. I think so little of myself, I just don’t care what happens, I don’t care what I’m doing, I don’t care if I end up hurt. I don’t want to be used. I don’t want to be fucked. I want to be loved. I know I’m not worth anything, I know I’m unlovable but I just want to be held and know that I mean something. I’m looking to him for things we had years ago because I feel like its my only chance to at least have the pretense.

I miss those feelings. Love, care, protection, passion, friendship. Miss you.

Dick-Act no.4

So many people have told me that you’re not this amazingly well liked guy you made yourself out to be. In fact pretty much everyone thinks you’re this weird unreliable slacker. It’s odd to go from thinking I was with mr popular to being told by people who don’t even know me that well, that I’m too good for you.

And then you go and email my step mum?? And were shocked that she told me and that I asked you about it? Umm yeah sorry, you have been totally horrendous and such a child towards me and this whole breakup situation, you have ignored me, kept telling me you could only stand to see me if you were drunk, told me you missed me, told me you were going to call me the next day so we could finally just meet up and sort it all out, then didn’t and then YOU have the nerve to have a go at me when I very calmly say how I don’t think its a great idea to email the family who saw first hand what a fucking ZOMBIE I became after you threw THIER hospitality back in their faces and left?? You tell me you were just trying to make things right? 3 MONTHS later? And what about me?? Surely it would make more sense to make things right with me??

Douche

Dick-Act no.3

Where did the amazing funny kind sensitive guy I knew go? Who is this new selfish arrogant hurtful child? Every time you have made a slight effort I’ve put myself back out there to you cause I know how crushing it is to try and to have it thrown back in your face. But I can’t do it anymore, its too heartbreaking!!

Why is he doing this? Why after all the silence is it suddenly late night emails, texting and then a whole conversation that ended in broken promises? Really, whats the point??

I feel like I was really starting to get over all of it and now my head is just so full of old and new unanswered questions.

Below The Belt?

A coursemate, someone he’s worked with a few times on assignments, someone he once said he was mates with (although in ten months of dating I never saw him hang out with this so called mate) wants to take me out on a date. I feel like I might be ready to start getting back out there a bit, not ready for a relationship in the slightest, but is this going a bit far? I know that I would go a bit nuts if he started seeing a friend of mine but I don’t really think they’re mates, just on the same course.

Hmm. Feels a bit naughty. Nice to know I’m starting to feel ready for this kind of thing though.

Dick-Act no.1

You obviously got drunk (no one emails at 3am) and then sent me a really confusing email, the first real contact we’ve had since you left, which I politely replied to even though it sent my head in to a spin and then you go back to ignoring me, pretending I don’t exist? So why send an email asking how I am and that you just want to know if I’m ok and what’s been going on if you had no intention of replying?

I just don’t understand