Moo knows me pretty fucking well by now and I know that talking shiz through with her pretty much sorts my head out about issues (and vice versa when its her turn to have a melt down) and I finally opened up about this smallish problem I’ve been having recently.
I’ve been having a problem where I will be fine first meeting a guy, giving out my number and texting. But the SECOND it comes to a first date or a voice to voice phone conversation, I freak the fuck out. I get so nervous I feel sick, I will ignore my phone and the worst thing is, I will make plans for the first date or drink or whatever and then bail. Generally last second. Yeah, I’m that girl and I suck hardcore.
Anyway, I’ve been spouting off that I don’t want a relationship, I don’t want a boyfriend, I don’t want the responsibilities or the drama and I just don’t want to be with anyone cause guys are evil and untrustworthy and basically want to just get laid and then fuck you over. Which in my opinion does still have a margin of truth to some guys. I haven’t quite admitted to me doing this and being this girl to anyone, not really even myself, until yesterday when talking to moo where I just laid it all on the line. This is where I came to the face palming conclusion that yes I do have trust issues with guys and hurting me blah blah but its actually me that I don’t trust in a panic terrified kind of way. I keep saying oh no relationship blah blah but all the guys I’m meeting are freaks and want it blah blah so I’m going to stay away from the guys. Except actually, I am bum clenchingly, sick inducing, white-chick-in-a-scary-movie petrified that its going to be me wanting more, wanting the relationship, wanting to be with the guy, wanting to make time for the guy, wanting to let the guy in.
This is where all the troubles start right?? Letting a person in? And I know me, I’ve never been the one night stand girl or the conquest girl or even the girl who can keep her head when falling for someone. I fall hard and fast and I always always give everything I have.
So, I avoid putting myself in situations where there is potential because I know that I will go for it and want to try and then the circle of shit starts again. The best way in my mind to stay out of trouble, is to stay out of trouble and I guess until I get over the fear of losing me and myself (again) or until I know I can control myself and the situation I’m in, I’m just going to keep ‘putting myself out there’…but not really.
I was talking to our mutual diabetic friend yesterday. Ever since me and ex mr chop broke up, the way ‘betes boy talks to me is uber sexual and crude and I’ve tried to get him to stop, I’ve asked him to stop, I blocked him for a while to teach him I was serious about him stopping and nothing got through. So I decided to stop being such a tight arse and let it be. I play around back now (and yes a lot of the stuff I say is to hopefully filter back to ex mr chop and piss him off. Cause I’m a vindictive bitch, get over it). Anyway, so once again it was all oh K i’d like to fuck you and I’m like yeah sure come on over and we’ll make it happen haha and he was like ok. I’ll look in to flights, what sort of airlines should I look at and I tell him how its going to be two airlines, its about two grand at least for a ticket and he says cool, I’ll look in to it seriously tomorrow.
What the fuck?
So this guy, who I’ve never slept with, who I don’t actually know that well, who I only hung out with a few times, who is supposed to be good friends with ex mr chop, is willing to lay down a few grand to come and see me? This guy who doesn’t really have a job as well.
If its that easy, if its that….worth it to see me, why the hell can’t you do it? Its this that made me realise, its cause you don’t want to. Its this that made me think, do I actually still love you? Am I actually still in love with you? And I honestly don’t know. I know I still miss you and I get sad when I think about you. But in love still? Possibly. The ache is a lot more numb nowadays. But I still have those moments where the ache becomes this giant abyss inside of me and I can still feel my whole being shouting out for you to hear me.
Ok so maybe yes, still in love. But I feel like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I know I’m not going to feel like this forever. And that helps sometimes. All I can think about right now is, he has been a presence in my life for about 3 years now. I’ve cared about him and loved him basically every day that I’ve known him. I miss him, I miss my friend, I miss my partner in crime. I’m finding it so hard to let go and be with someone else. I’m playing a game where I’m seemingly putting myself out there and trying to meet guys and then any guy who is interested I manage to find one small thing and make it an excuse to not be with that person or try with that person anymore. I feel like there is a cold layer inside of me that needs to be broken before I will let anyone in.
I chose you! Don’t you get it? Don’t you understand? I chose you to be the one, I chose you to be him. It’s not a choice I made for the fun of it you fucking asshole and its not a choice I can fucking take back. I went to yoga yesterday and I really enjoy it but at the same time I fucking hate it cause its all this meditation bullshit which makes you all comfortable and insightful in to yourself and the instructor kept banging on about how you are your choices, your choices are what make you and all I can do is fucking lay there in the dead baby pose or whatever its called and think, well that is fan-fucking-tastic because I CHOSE YOU AND YOU AREN’T HERE. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? YOU KNOW YOU’RE MEANT TO BE HERE RIGHT?
WHERE ARE YOU??? HOW ARE WE MEANT TO GROW WHEN WE AREN’T TOGETHER? HOW AM I MEANT TO MOVE THE FUCK ON WHEN I KNOW ITS WRONG? I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY AT YOU!! YOU ARE FUCKING UP AND I’M HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE FUCKING CONSEQUENCES ALONE! SO WHERE ARE YOU?
Where the hell are you babe? I just don’t understand. I am so lost