This Town Is Too Small

Anchorage is too bloody small. I run in to ex mexican man, get set up on a date with a friend of ex mexican man and have an arranged bootycall with another friend of ex mexican man later this week. Of course running in to ex mexican man made me miss him which is retarded but there you go.


Tried to get moo to talk to me but that was a fail. Excellent. Its a really great fucking feeling for your best friend to have not only not given a shit that I was home but not given a shit that I left and not given a shit since then. So, moo, if you’re one of the people reading this, get over it, pick up your fucking phone and call me or text me or skype me, because this is fucking ridiculous.

I have so many things going on with life right now and it is freaking me out. I already knew I had this social anxiety thing and instead of doing small things to just get me out of it I jump in guns blazing with USUAA retreat this weekend and office hours and this booty call and these dates with these random guys so that at least I’m putting myself out there. All in the space of a week. I think my head might explode or I’ll just be in the corner curled in the fetal position and hissing at people who come near me. Like a feral cat.

Awesome. Sigh

Better Late Than Never!

I’ve been thinking about realistic new year resolutions as the ever popular losing weight option is in consideration but I think I need to better more than just the size of my arse.

To actually do the best I can do with my classes this semester. I’m taking all Justice and Legal courses and I really want to succeed to prove I’m choosing the right path.

To date older men only. No more children, no more guys who have never been in a relationship before, no more wasters. I want someone sure of what they want in life, with goals, ambition and with a fucking sense of humour! I want someone who is not afraid to fall in love.

To start living more in my present than in my past. I do this a lot which was shown by my trip back home.

To read one non-school or stupid fictional vampire/fantasy/bullshitbullshit book every two weeks.

To move out.

I guess we will see!



What The Actual Fuck

Is going on with moo that she has made fuck all effort and keeps bailing out on me. I leave in 3 days. 3. I honestly don’t want to hear that she misses me or anything when I am back in AK cause this shit is fucking ridiculous. If she didn’t want to see me and things aren’t the same with us then fine, but don’t let on like you do and then bare fucking no effort to see me.

Am thoroughly fucked off.

Went through the things I left behind in the loft today. I was specifically looking for memory things, yes from ex mr chop, and even more specifically this letter that he randomly wrote for me while I was at work one day, which I was pretty sure I had torn up but no, I found it (along with some other little letters, christmas presents tags, a valentines card and the first ever note he had written to me on the back of an envelope). So, word for word, spelling for spelling (using * to protect any identities):


I know you like reading and keeping a diary so I thought I would give it a go and write something for you! ps. Please excuse the poor handwriting + spelling :).

Where do i start? Ok moving in. Since I moved in I have not been happier! It seems my life has been wierd. Im a oober happy person but nothing has allowed me to show it fully. Like my mates from back home know this but I just never felt like I was being myself. But then I met you! and even before getting to-gether I felt like I was changing in such a good way. And I thank you so so much for it (and I thank gum tree)

Now for prick I mean ***. I know that you both had a long relationship and I have no place in saying what happend because I have never had a long term relationship. But from when I moved in I had no problem until I started seeing that you were not happy. And that was pants because I knew that it was not my place to get involved.

At the time aswell I was going through a gash time with dan kicking the bucket and it was awsome for you to put your hectic stuff to the side for me. And again Im proper happy that you did that for me!

After the epic saterday I knew in my head that I wanted to be with you!

Now you know the reason why I was hesitant with the whole pug face not talking to me and shiz niz!

But then I realised I was being a tit and now I know that I was a dick. But at least you know why I was like that.

Now I get to talk about the hotel! Yes! Hotel. The hotel was the best thing I have ever done with someone and it was all because it was with you! The spa = awsome + Room = Awsome. Car ride there = awsome IT WAS AWSOME! fact. And Im glad that you had a good 21st and I got to be a part of it.

Now I think were up to the present day in *****’s thoughts!

I’m still having the funnest time of my life and its because Im with you! At the mo I know your still going through stuff with his royal prickness and if I seem distant at times its because I know you like to sort stuff out on your own and if I seem upset its because im angry at him because I feel like he is hurting you.

I love you with all my heart. Never forget that.

You feel down come to me and ill do the same to you

You want to jump around the house? ill jump with you.

**** you are definatly the sex!

love love







ps, This is cheesy as fuck but I loved doin this”.

I think the last line is definitely my favourite. I love that I inspired an honest to god unasked for love letter

Weekend In Blighty!

Had such an amazing time in Blighty with loverr and treacle, I just really love how chilled it always is at loverr’s and I really really love how amazingly comfortable and me I am around my girls. Me and treacle were chatting driving back about how no one really knows you like the people and friends you grew up with. Being around them is never weird or awkward and I love being able to just be 100% me with them both. I knew I missed them but never realised how fucking much!! And it’s weird cause it’s not like I missed one more than the other, I missed them both in totally different ways as they are both my best friends in totally different ways! Which makes sense to me haha. I have so missed having jokes banter and being understood and not needing to constantly explain myself!! Such a novelty ha.

Leaving in 5 days. Am fucking dreading it!! Am going to miss my people sooooo fucking much, I don’t know how I’m going to stand it. Its going to be really sad, I can already feel that I am going to lose it at the airport!

Possibly seeing treacle tomorrow, asbo/fellow Jew/moo on weds, Nanna on thurs, Mum stuff friday, flying out saturday morning. I still wish I’d seen him. I will probably wish that for a while but, quoting ex mexican man, it is what it is and that has to be ok!

Ahhhh sooooo much to do when back!!!


I really can’t believe I came all the way back to see ex mr chop and it isn’t going to happen. I’m not going to see him. I’m not going to get that chat I’ve wanted since he left, I’m not going to see truth in what he’s told me over the years. It’s not just not going to happen either, it’s very clear from this that it won’t ever happen. It’s so disappointing.

It’s a good thing I’m going back next week, I’ve caused enough problems by being here as it is. Farmer boi is all mixed up in me and imagining a future that will never happen, once again being a bad seed for the ex ex, bro is pissed that I’ve had my old room while being here, had way too much ‘family’ time.

Finally met mr moo. I can see why she likes him and he definitely made an effort for my being there and was very hospitable. I don’t necessarily like the way he talks to her sometimes and he has a very obvious controlling side to him. But he has stood by her through everything she’s been going through and for that I am grateful to him.

Brighton this weekend which will be a laugh. Then a week and I am back to my reality