Weekend In Blighty!

Had such an amazing time in Blighty with loverr and treacle, I just really love how chilled it always is at loverr’s and I really really love how amazingly comfortable and me I am around my girls. Me and treacle were chatting driving back about how no one really knows you like the people and friends you grew up with. Being around them is never weird or awkward and I love being able to just be 100% me with them both. I knew I missed them but never realised how fucking much!! And it’s weird cause it’s not like I missed one more than the other, I missed them both in totally different ways as they are both my best friends in totally different ways! Which makes sense to me haha. I have so missed having jokes banter and being understood and not needing to constantly explain myself!! Such a novelty ha.

Leaving in 5 days. Am fucking dreading it!! Am going to miss my people sooooo fucking much, I don’t know how I’m going to stand it. Its going to be really sad, I can already feel that I am going to lose it at the airport!

Possibly seeing treacle tomorrow, asbo/fellow Jew/moo on weds, Nanna on thurs, Mum stuff friday, flying out saturday morning. I still wish I’d seen him. I will probably wish that for a while but, quoting ex mexican man, it is what it is and that has to be ok!

Ahhhh sooooo much to do when back!!!

Home Again!

Finally have made it back to the UK. Talk with mum when landed was fine, saw Nanna and evil bitch aunt and that was fine. Saw my moo. Oh.My.God. I didn’t want to fucking let her go, as soon as we saw each other everything just clicked and felt right and normal and good. I was the most relaxed I have been in so long just being around her and I know it was good for her to be around me. I am completely worried about her lack of dealing about her daddy and I’m hoping that now I’m home and that the business will be sorted by the end of the month, she will finally be able to focus on her and her emotions and I’ll be here to be the rock she needs. Love her so so so so much.

Haven’t really been in touch with anyone yet, kind of letting the jet lag and chest infection die down. I feel like I am on standby, just waiting to see if ex mr chop will get in touch. I know I know that he won’t. I know I know that he prob doesn’t even remember that I am home. I unblocked him on facebook so that maybe if he even checked, it would be like a sign that I am open to hear from him but only if he gets in touch. He is the one in the relationship now so he needs to be the one to contact me if he wants to see me. I wish…I don’t know. So many things.

I was talking to mum about being afraid of the collections people and that being a major reason why I don’t think I’ll be able to ever come home haha and she told me that it’s a really simple fix and all I need to do is contact them and come to some sort of arrangement. She said it’s totally doable and if I’m coming home once I have my degree (which I am planning on so watch out UK in 2015!) then it’s better to sort it sooner rather than later. So I might either do it next December or the summer of 2014 when I’m over.

Looking forward to being in bomo friday/saturday, drinkies with farmer boi saturday, dinner with the girls sunday, christmas, new years with moo. So many things to do and people to see!!

She Jersey Shore’d Me!

Last night was party at mr BMW’s parent’s place, usual crowd and a few different people. Was such a fucking dramatic spectacle! Holy christ! First, wrestler gets all drunk and emotional and keeps having to be talked off the edge by the gf who officially is openly hating me now “I’m surprised you’re not wearing one of your ‘party’ dresses” “I nearly stepped on her head!…Good”. WTF DID THE DRESS COMMENT MEAN?? Sorry that I wear dresses and leggings and not just jeans and tshirt all the time. I’m sorry I have a good sense of style whereas you already dress like a soccer mum who has given up. Fuck you. Then there is batshit crazy who I totally accidentally bump in to, a small bit of her drink gets on her, I immediately apologise and she after a few minutes decides to dump her whole drink over me Jersey Shore style! BITCH I AM FROM SHIRLEY, I WILL FUCK YOU UP. And then finally, to top the whole evening off, S gets pissed at me cause I didn’t think it was a huge deal that mr BMW was playing with the music.

These people are all fucking insane.

Then this morning I wake up to wrestler dude who had texted me saying that I turned my back on him, didn’t support him and that we needed to talk cause he wanted to give me the benefit of the doubt. What benefit of what doubt??? I was so fucking confused and then all day its just been back and forth and you know what, I am tired of these people treating me like a FUCKING OBJECT. I’ve ‘claimed’ you, you’re mine. What?! I am a fucking person! I will be your friend but I am not a fucking pet or iphone or something. I appreciate that it means these people really care about me but back the fuck off.

I am consistently single, I know how to be single, I don’t see anything wrong with being single. But goddamn, I have never had a group of people make me feel so shit about it before! Its so easy to start drama with me cause its just me defending myself. Its easy to make me the punching bag cause I don’t have an other half in my corner. Fuck that! Don’t fucking disrespect me just because I don’t have a fucking boyfriend! At least I can spend more than 5 mins on my own without going mad, at least I have my own life and not one that I have to share with someone, at least I can make my own decisions, at least I can live the way I want. Relationships are nice and shit but that doesn’t mean not being in a relationship is a total downer. Assholes.

I know I’m really angry because of all the stupid shit last night and cause it’s day one of monthlies. It wasn’t a bad night to be honest, pageant girl showed up and we hung out and that was really fun, got my drink on and made some new friends. Bonded with BMW guy and airsoft guy. Now I am just going to avoid everyone for a while haha.

Just about 3 weeks before going home. I am trying so hard not to think about it because I just want it to be now. I want to go and see my moo and loverr and treacle and Bournemouth and London and soak it all in. I want to see him, every single particle in me is vibrating thinking about it, thinking about if he will get in touch, if we will see each other, what will happen, what won’t happen. Will I be fine, will I be devastated? I just want to know.

Fucking hell I hope he gets in touch

Shitty Situation

So the guy who I like and likes me (FRIENDLY LIKE, REPEAT FRIENDLY) who has the gf, sometimes words things in a way that I’m worried if his gf is reading is misconstruing and that is where this animosity is coming from. We both know that we get on really well and I think have both been kind of thinking that our time as friends is coming to an end cause the gf really does not like it. Its a shame cause we do get on really well and its totally like he is another girlyfriend of mine but after the random attacking txt from her today, and the weird sounding texts from him last night (which sound sort of like she was on the other end of the phone), I think its time to give this one up for a lost cause and not talk anymore unless in a social situation. I don’t make friends easily or often, not ones that I genuinely like and get on with without having to be someone I’m not so I’m sad that I can’t be friends with him but it’s really starting to be more trouble than its worth.

As for making friends, I am totally in love with my fellow persuasive writing group friend! She is totally awesome and funny, reminds me a lot of batgirl actually. Had a really fun time going to the strip club with her, her boyfriend and their friend last night so am hopeful that maybe I’ll be inducted in to another group (who are all way chill stoner types haha).

Gah, complicated life as always

Window To The Soul

The saying goes that the eyes are the window to the soul. I personally think that’s a bunch of bollocks, mass consumption of alcoholic beverages are the eyes to the soul. Think about it, in all relationships when you go out drinking with your partner, you are one of three types of couple. There is the new couple who haven’t been together very long, tend to be all over each other and drunkenly get in to the ‘you’re so wonderful, no you’re so wonderful’ type of conversation. The next type are those who have been together a while and have, at that moment in time, no issues or unresolved arguments and so are able to function as normal members of society. Then there is lovely couple number three who start off ok, then argue about something small and then culminate in to the girlfriend crying in the corner and  the guy…well generally he’s just confused.

Boyf and I are luckily in the first category at the moment (as opposed to the third stage which, having done that A LOT already, I am more than happy to stay away from). Except that he was drunk off his tits and I was sober, which was fine cause it means I had enough wits about me to ask the questions that I haven’t yet and get him to open up to me in a way he hasn’t yet. This would probably be called manipulation by some and by some I mean guys.

I have been worried a lot about the future and this is partly due to how I was screwed over before in the past and partly because I am a long term thinker who likes to be prepared. Knowing boyf goes away really soon makes my stomach clench and I’ve been thinking a lot about it and what is going to happen between us, am I going to hear from him, is he going to miss me, does he want us to break up before he leaves, is this thing with me and him not as real as I think it to be cause in his head does he have an expiration date on us…the crazy goes on and on an on. So as is my habit, when he drunkenly said that I’m the only girl he thinks about, I automatically went uh huh, yeah right. He did not appreciate that at all and started a big ol’ drunk speech about how it’s true, how much I mean to him, how much he likes me, how he has never felt this way about a girl,  how amazing I am yadayada. Nice to hear but then he started talking about the summer and I did actually say to him a few times that I didn’t want to talk about that right then cause he was drunk and I would just have a hard time believing that he meant anything. Again, he didn’t seem to appreciate that and went for it anyway. Fine by me so I put it out there, the things I’ve been thinking about and he told me he didn’t want to break up and didn’t want to lose me, that the PDA stuff isn’t about being ashamed of me or anything and that he is trying, he just feels uncomfortable as if people are judging him or something, that he really likes having me around. He knows that I’m really nervous about having this relationship with him because of past shiz and seems like he really wants to show me that he’s not like that. He kept saying how he’s not going anywhere and would never intentionally hurt me. Which I shot down actually, I told him that generally people don’t intend to hurt other people but it happens and it can happen badly and that scares me.

I wonder if arch enemy had to counsel the ex ex through any of this stuff? Hmm.

I told him that he needs to meet me halfway with the PDA thing because it is important to me. I told him that he needs to worry less about having issues because we all fucking have them, it’s not just him. I told him that its a really big deal for me to be trying with him and that makes him special. That he never has to feel uncomfortable with me because I won’t ever judge him and its true, I’m not going to write him off when I am chock-a-block full of my own mound of issues. I said that I like just being with him and he seemed kind of surprised at that, I don’t think he thought that I like him just for him, that obviously yeah I do a bit but mainly for the sex I guess? Which made me kind of mad, look at how hard I work trying to spend time with him in situations where there is no way we could hook up. But then look at how I tend to have to flake on situations where he just wants me to hang out with him and his friends. Not because I don’t want to be there but generally family responsibilities. Like tonight, I feel so bad!! He got this game in and I way encouraged him to get people over to play and enough people to do teams, he did, it ended up being a couples night and I was actually looking forward to it but after all the drama dad is going through, it was more important for me to bail and spend some time with dad. He was totally understanding and I know that his family would come first for him, I just feel bad that once again his girlfriend is totally letting him down. Last night was this event his Engineering society was doing and he said that I should come but I had the kids and then I didn’t have the kids but I still hadn’t showered or anything so I said that I’d meet them at the bar and when I get there, every guy had his girlfriend who had shown up to the event in support and they were all dressed up in cocktail dresses and there I am, late and in jeans! (skinnies but still!). And then I bail on tonight?? Bad girlfriend. Ergh, guilt!! It was kind of awkward actually, everyone kept saying how next year I should come and what are our future plans, is he going to come to Seattle with me when I go to Law school, would he go to England with me. We were looking at each other like ummm we’ve been official for a few weeks, who the fuck knows?? Gah, people!

In the end it was a good night. I actually had his good friend that it’s not only nice to see him with someone but for him to be with someone as nice as me. It always helps to have friend approval!

Bitter Rant

I get it, everyone is all in love and happy and with the guy of their ‘dreams’ right now. I get that is an amazing feeling and time. But do I need to hear about it all day every day? Does every conversation have to be about the guy and how amazing he thinks you are. Even conversations that have nothing to do with being in a relationship or the guy, suddenly, miraculously becomes about the guy! Oh I had the most awesome shit earlier. Really?! Omg cause mr wonderful had the most awesome shit earlier as well! He is just sooo perfect and thinks I’m the one. And on. And on. Seriously, I know I sound like the bitter woman and yeah a part of me is kinda jealous but mainly I’m just bored! I really do not need to hear about every small detail about your guy or you and your guy. Why? Cause honestly, as long as hes not treating you like shit, I don’t give a fuck whats going on! I miss my friends! I miss chatting about anything and everything and now I’m stuck repeating the same shit over and over again ‘aww, oh wow, thats sweet, aww, oh wow, thats sweet’. I hate the way girls are like ohhh don’t choose a guy over your friends cause thats just like soooo wrong. And then as soon as they get a guy, you become this pathetic friendless ‘single’ person. I’m not even two faced about it, I have bluntly said, I am happy for you and of course you will want to talk about him with me but there is only so much per day I can take and you need to try and remember that I am not a loved up couples person. So going on and on at me is just going to piss me off. Yeah harsh maybe but I really can’t handle hearing the same stupid shit all the time.

I’m happy for my friends, I really am! I want them to be happy and to have a guy who loves them. I just want them to remember that I love them to and I will be here long after those ‘wonderful’ guys are gone.

On the plus side I actually got a ‘good job’ at work from the boss man today. I still want to punch him in the nads though 🙂

Definitely A Monday

Here’s the thing. I know that I am still obsessive over where it went wrong and what happened and how I still have feelings for him. I know that he does not think or feel in the same way. And I now know that my whole charade of ‘I’m over you’ obviously worked. But to someone who knows me, really knows me, they always see through that. They know I’m just putting on a show and they try to not mention anything that will hurt me or even bring him up. I know it’s been nearly a year and half since he left. I realize in that time I should be so over this by now that I’m happy with someone else. However, I’m not and people who know me, know I’m not. I know it’s been nearly a year and a half but I haven’t really changed; not as a person, not how I think or feel about things. So why doesn’t he know this? He’s supposed to know me inside out, even if it has been a year and half. So why doesn’t he? And if he does, which I really really think he does, why send me that sort of message? A message to tell me he thinks about me, a message acting like he cares, a message with a link to a song where the basic premise is a guy who is in love with a girl and wants to be with her. A guy who knows that they’re made for each other and not made for each other but wants to be with this girl anyway. Apparently this song came on and reminded him of me. Yeah? In what way exactly? Basically all that’s happened is I randomly popped in to his head momentarily and he decided on a whim to send me a message and friend request. Cause apparently we are ready to be ‘friends’ now. When the fuck did that happen?? When he told me my life was shit? When he ignored my email of friendship? When he walked past me and barely acknowledged my existence? Oh yeah, were all set to be the best of buds now aren’t we? You asshole. Everlong. Of course. Fucking Pandora. Why do I still think I know him? Why do I still think he knows me? Why be ‘friends’? I mean really, I’m in Alaska. It’s a bit fucking late to try with each other. Although I suppose this is why he’s doing this, cause it can give the appearance of being the good guy and wanting to put all the bullshit aside and be mates again but because we are both so far away from each other, he doesn’t actually have to put any effort in, there are no consequences and there is no fear of running in to each other. In the part of me that still loves him and daydreams about him turning up at the door to proclaim his love and severe stupidity, I imagine that he’s reaching out because he wants to make that daydream a reality. In the part of me that deals with reality, I am bitterly confused and tired. I don’t want to ruin the ex mr chop in my head who is my forever but the ex mr chop in real life makes it really hard sometimes. Which isn’t fair, the fantasy ex mr chop is all I have left.

On the bright side, Mexico in 3 days, woooooooooooooop

Snow In September!

It actually started snowing today! Madness!

Today was a funny one; went to the Rabbit Creek Rifle Range and shot a few rounds from the new Glock toy! At first I wasn’t to sure about it, the power and ricochet was kind of scary and it hurt my hand but got in to the swing of it and I’ve got to say, there’s something addictive to the feeling of power you have when holding and shooting a gun. It also gave a real perspective on why guns are so lethal, just the sound of it going off was really heavy, solid and..final. Felt like such a bad ass aha.

I knew the only person who would really appreciate me with a gun would be the ex ex so I sent him a picture. First time we’ve had an email chat in a little while; made me miss home a bit. Been feeling a bit homesick recently, just for Moo and uni and life really. That’s not to mean that I’m not happy here or anything, I just miss the familiarity of back in England I think. I miss Ms.Julia Stiles as well, shes been gone for about a week back to school and life is definitely less interesting without her.

So I want to know what the fuck is wrong with my back. It is seriously the only thing that is upsetting me. The pain in my lower back is now constantly intense and because it hurts so much on my lower back, my upper back (shoulders) have gotten really tense and now hurt like hell as well. I’m walking like a hunchback, I’m constantly sitting with a heat pad, I can’t sleep, I can’t even sit in chairs anywhere for very long before everything just seizes up. It really really really hurts and no one knows why and no one can fix it. I’ve got some super duper painkillers but even they don’t take the pain away, they just dull it. Apart from that everything is gravy really!

Miss my love