Finished my first week at Todd Communications and I honestly loved it. Love love loved it, I’ve got my office and my work I can just get on with, I get to talk to authors and publishers, I get projects that when finished are going to have my name on them in print. In print!! I will physically be able to buy things with my name on them; I’ll be a household name! Aha. Right now its a bit slow so it is a bit easy but thats fine with me, just means I get to be able to train up with no hecticness and then it will get busy and I can’t wait. I actually can’t wait to really know what I’m doing and to be able to get on with it without being the new trainee. The editor, lets call her scotsgirl, is amazing. She really knows what shes doing and is really nice and I just like her. She makes me a bit homesick cause we can go off on a tangent about things like new look and primark and she knows what ann summers is!! I look forward to her being my friend. And then there is a boss lady who is a few years older than me and reminds me a lot of treacle. Everyone is really nice. I’m sort of stressing about the cinema job cause I said to the family that I would keep it and work friday after TC and saturday but I really honestly do not want to. I was so shattered by the end of this week and I know I should be earning as much as possible but I’m now at a full time 8am-5pm job at good pay; I just don’t want to push myself to far when by the end of the week my back is pretty damn sore from being at a desk and I feel like I deserve to have my weekend. I’m in a real grown up job for fuck sake, I am not going to want to go from that to the cinema and be dead on my feet. Plus when moo gets here I want to be able to have my weekends so we can do stuff. I’m really disappointed about HAP as well, there is just no way I can do it unless I say that while moo is here I can’t and then before and after I can do weekends and work with chick. To be honest I really don’t know how I’m going to work that one out but I have a few months so I’m sure I’ll think of something.
New prognoses; severely vitamin d deficient and hypothyroid. So basically I need to take some pills to help with how my body absorbs nutrients for my bones and also energy. Which I could have told them but oh well! I also apparently do not ovulate at all so need to take something to trick my body in to having a period. Again, something I already knew. I’ve come to terms with the whole infertile thing, I’ve just never really felt that chidlers were in my cards. I just hope I can find a guy who is cool with that and would rather be a cool godparent or uncle.
Can’t wait for work on monday 🙂
The last interview I did was for an associate editor position at this publishing house. I don’t know why, I applied more just for the hell of it and then got an interview and thought fuck it so went. Didn’t think much would come of it, i mean this is a job I actually wanted; a career job that was the reason for taking my degree. Even dad was confused as to why I’d bother and said I wouldn’t get it. The interview went ok I thought, I was there for over an hour which seemed like a lot of time to waste on someone they weren’t really considering. I was told that they would get back to me within a week and off I went on my merry way. Well, up yours everyone, HA dad! The very next freaking day I was told I had the job!! Firstly thank god, cause the whole starbucks/cinema thing was really dragging me down; I just know I’m better than being some minion slaving away for minimum wage and even after two shifts at the movies my back has been starting to complain. I just can’t believe it, I really can’t believe that I get to work with books and authors and have my own cubicle and be an actual grown up with a grown up job! For the first time in a long time I’m proud of myself and feel like someone has actually seen my worth and is giving me a break. So I start tomorrow after a pap appointment which I am just oh so excited for aha. Just got to make sure I’ve got my big girl outfit all ready to go!
So I now have two jobs; early morning-early afternoon as a Barista at Starbucks and then a movie ho at the cinema Century16 from mid afternoon till waaaay early morning. Basically losing my soul to big corporate giants who are demanding no nail varnish, no nose stud, hair up and minimal personality. I sound a lot more bitter then I actually am, I’m grateful to have jobs again and to be working and I’m grateful that I’m going to be earning some good monies even if it means no more sleep. But then again I’ve slept enough the past few weeks, I’ve slept enough during 2009 to last me till 2013. Ergh, am going to miss my comfy comfy bed though and am a bit worried that my mostly pain free self is going to be a screaming mess but I guess we’ll see.
I just took control of my nails again, I am talon free!! And am taking care of the jolen face for the first time in months which makes me feel a bit more….confident. I’m on a mission!
The ex mr chop emailed me today. Seriously, I sometimes swear that he’s like a fucking mind reader or something and just knew that I was already thinking about him and admitting to myself that I was still missing him and lo n behold he decides to message me for the first time since like may. And this is after I had sent him a message since being here saying that could we try to now be friends seeing as I’m in a different country so he didn’t need to worry about me trying to go after him again. And that was like august or something to which there was no reply. Erggggghhhh I am such a dick, I send him a message and it gets ignored, he sends me one and I’m all over it. dickkkkkkk.
Anyway the shit thing is, I was already thinking a lot about him recently and missing him and that was without a message. Now who knows how whizzy my brain is going to be
I had a date today. A date with a nice cute funny interested guy of age!! who wanted to take me to dinner and then an ice hockey game. A date that we had, had set up 2 days ago. A date that I think I was actually looking forward to in a dreading sort of way. And instead of just doing in, getting out there, I did my usual freak out and bail. Again. For probably the hundred millionth time.
I think my problem is that I need to take it slow. Like way way way slow. Before the whole dinner thing came about I had suggested grabbing a coffee and I actually think I should have stuck with that cause I am freaked; freaked about being around someone I know nothing about and letting go and letting someone in and that kind of freaked just can not start with something as intimate as dinner and something else. I need something that will last for an hour or two maybe and then I can be on my merry way. Then next time (if there is a next time) catching lunch cause lunch is small and light and not all glam night time dinner date. Then maybe yes, dinner and a movie. In fact dinner whilst watching a movie would be perfect. Small teeny tiny baby steps. I’m like a wild cat who needs to be slowly tamed down in to being a normal cat again.
Then there is the whole I still love ex mr chop and feel like I’m cheating on him when I’m with someone new. When I was sleeping with the ex ex it wasn’t the same, I wasn’t cheating cause I was with the guy I left ex mr chop for and he was in a relationship so nothing could ever happen beyond a quick shag so it didn’t count. Putting myself out there with someone I could actually develop feelings and a relationship with counts as something; something permanent. Something that would turn ex mr chop in to the ex ex and I would really actually have to put him in the past and move on which I can’t do cause I still think that hes my soul mate and I don’t want to let that go. I’m not ready to let that go. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let that go.
Happy freaking new year