So Very Tired Of Being Alone

I know it’s temporary.  Sort of.  Once he’s trained up he’s still going to have these two/three month TDY bullshit.  I am so very very tired of being alone though, it’s enough, I’ve had enough, I just want to have my husband around.  I think.  It’s not that I don’t want him back, I just feel like our relationship is a ghost of what it was or even supposed to be.  It’s all very well working on us but what’s the point when he’s only here a few weeks and gone longer than he’s around.

I miss my husband.  I miss being part of team awesome.  I miss being part of a team at all.

Been A While

So long in fact, that I am now a married woman. That’s right, you heard me, I took the plunge, got hitched, became a ball and chain. Possibly a bit of a spur of the moment decision which became an actual wedding conceived in a month, but I know we’re happy and that’s all that I want. For the both of us.

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. That’s how I’ve always tried to be with this site, with my writing. I have totally reverted back to bad habits and I don’t know why. I dropped my classes for now because with the wedding stuff, I was basically going to royally fuck up my GPA. But I miss classes, I miss having the pride in myself of being in school and doing well. I feel less intelligent which is stupid. I’m just seriously dragging my feet around and I think it’s because I am so focused on moving (leaving AK to move to CA  for a year while hubby trains and then fuck knows where). I feel like I am on hold right now. I am definitely one of those people who lives in the future rather than the present, which can be seriously problematic when it means I’m not accomplishing anything in the present. I’m worried about myself. Not about being depressed, I’m not and haven’t been in a really long time, but about just stagnating and not doing anything about it. The only time I feel vibrant or alive is when hubby is home and we can hang out.

ex mr chop got engaged in December. I still find myself missing him from time to time, it was a little painful when I found out he was engaged. I am happy for him. I just can’t help but wonder if I will always wonder, just a tiny tiny part of me, whether it should have been us. But then I think no, he is with someone like him, and I am with someone who gets not only who I am but also what I need. Hubby understands me more than anyone or even more than I understand me, and it’s powerful and scary and the best feeling in the world. I am so worried he is going to find out what a fuck up I am and it will ruin us. Paranoia I’m sure though.

The run up to the wedding was pretty stressful, planning a wedding in a month is no small feat. Our engagement story isn’t an epic romantic ‘notebook’ kind of deal, but it makes me smile because it was so us. I’d been worried for months about his moving away and re-training, it was causing so much tension with us because I don’t like, trust, believe in, or want a long distance relationship, I think it is stupid to not be with the person you love (most likely a fall out of having dad in AK while we were in the UK). So then we both went to our homes for christmas, came back, and I finally really straightforwardly said I don’t want long distance, I love you, I want it to work, but I don’t think I can do it. So it’s a new day, he texts me, says he got his re-train placement and finally has a definite yes, as well as a leaving date. Oh. I shut the fuck down so fast I was even shocked. He got home that evening and I couldn’t barely look or talk to him, I’d never been that quiet before. So then he goes to bed and I don’t (another first, we always always go to bed together), but after a while I go in and I finally open up about how I’m proud of him, how I really do want the best for him, and he starts cuddling me and asks if it would be different if we got married. What do you mean I say? Would I come with him, would I leave AK and my family here behind? I said yes but we aren’t married, I need a realistic response and solution. So marry me. Two days later we got rings, one month later we got married.

Our love story is the opposite to my other love stories with the ex ex and ex mr chop. It’s less dramatic, less problematic, less childish, more real, more adult, more supportive. Hubby can handle my diabetes, my mood swings, my snarkiness. He doesn’t roll over, he lets me know when he’s at his limit. I feel most like myself with him. Which is awesome.

We adopted a cat who looks exactly like Buffy. Trust me, the irony of this is not lost on myself.

I went home in December and found out that Moo (who is still not talking to me even though I have sent a bunch of emails etc), is expecting a baby in April. So congrats Moo, I hope you’re happy. I wish I was there to see it or even for us to be talking in any capacity. So hit me up.

By the way, taking someone’s name in marriage is a huge pain of the arse over here.

Oh. Oh No

I haven’t been struck by lightening since ex mr chop. Not only did I get struck by lightening today, I felt something come back alive in me that has been cold and buried for a really long time. That sensation of falling down a rabbit hole and inviting it? I haven’t wanted that in such a long long time and today I’m just going with it.

And I shall name him the music man. Haha, which is actually really perfect. He is just soooo easy to talk to! No odd silences because there was just soo much to talk about and he can just chat and chat and he’s so lovely to listen to. We have so much in common and he is pretty much everything that I know I need and want in someone. He has the humour and the banter, the same interests but will inspire me to grow. He has the charm without the smarm, he has the smile and the smarts, the sarcasm, fun. He is someone who I know would look after me but wouldn’t make me lose myself. Hes been through life, been through intense life situations, is an older sibling, knows what he wants, knows who he is. Hes the adult I’ve been looking for who isn’t completely there yet, hes still growing and so I can grow with him :). He is so sweet and lovely!! With him I feel that…spark. I haven’t felt that spark since the ex chop, I didn’t think I would feel the spark again!

I know it is really early days and who knows what the future is going to be like or if we will even make each other happy. Who knows if we are both honest about our intentions. Only giving it a chance will let me know though and even though I am terrified of what could happen and so scared of what I am feeling, I forgot how alive clicking with someone can make me feel, how hopeful and excited and amazed at how things can just happen. If I hadn’t taken a chance on him, if we hadn’t taken a chance on each other, than this would never have happened! Which is weird to think about, why him, why now? Am I ready? Am I worth it? I know I have a lot more to offer nowadays, I’m much less of a mess than I was. Already we’ve both broken boundaries with each other that we hide behind.

I can not wait to see how this one pans out!

This Town Is Too Small

Anchorage is too bloody small. I run in to ex mexican man, get set up on a date with a friend of ex mexican man and have an arranged bootycall with another friend of ex mexican man later this week. Of course running in to ex mexican man made me miss him which is retarded but there you go.

Too.Bloody.Small.

Tried to get moo to talk to me but that was a fail. Excellent. Its a really great fucking feeling for your best friend to have not only not given a shit that I was home but not given a shit that I left and not given a shit since then. So, moo, if you’re one of the people reading this, get over it, pick up your fucking phone and call me or text me or skype me, because this is fucking ridiculous.

I have so many things going on with life right now and it is freaking me out. I already knew I had this social anxiety thing and instead of doing small things to just get me out of it I jump in guns blazing with USUAA retreat this weekend and office hours and this booty call and these dates with these random guys so that at least I’m putting myself out there. All in the space of a week. I think my head might explode or I’ll just be in the corner curled in the fetal position and hissing at people who come near me. Like a feral cat.

Awesome. Sigh

When To Give Up?

Exactly when do you give up? How much shit are you supposed to take for one person until you can walk away? How many times can you get your hopes raised only to have them completely crushed?

The thought of going home is really exciting to me. The thought of seeing moo and treacle and loverr and bomo and brighton and new years…makes my heart burst. The thought of seeing him? Is it really a good idea? Or is it going to just be another reality vs expectation situation? I see reality winning out here. I wish expectations would though and, until it doesn’t, I guess I’m just going to be very very hopeful