I am just so alone. I have my friends, an actual real group of friends and I see my friends every day, I have my uni stuff, I have my job stuff and I am completely alone. I am so lonely. The guy I was starting to get interested in who made it seem like he was interested in me, fucks someone while I’m in the apartment. Awesome. The guy I’m not interested in at all is of course interested in me. The ex mexican will wave and look happy to see my friends who he doesn’t even know and even though I am right there with them, will completely ignore my existence. Not even just ignore, looks right through. The ex mr chop who I will probably always be in love with has decided that I’m not worth talking to anymore even though he was the one to go full disclosure on his feelings. I can’t flirt, I can’t let myself be actually interested in anyone else. I have lost any faith in myself that I am lovable and will be deliriously happy again one day. I am going through the motions. I’m just pretty down right now and I am going to blame a part of that on the fact I am on my period and the house being so quiet cause the family are away (which a month ago was going to be fun and ex mexican was going to come round and spend time with me and instead I am in this empty empty house). I miss being cuddled and hugs and sex and laughing and inside jokes and someone I felt was there.
I am the most up and down person these past few days, it’s such a joke. One minute I am totally fine, can imagine running in to ex mexican man, don’t miss him, don’t think about him and then something completely arbitrary can totally set me off. I know that I haven’t lost much, I know he was kind of a shitty boyfriend, I know that I am better off cause now I’m…alone? I wanted to say not feeling sad but I am, I wanted to say not wishing for a text but I am, I wanted to say not feeling lonely but I am. It’s just different types of sad and hopelessness and lonliness. Now I know for certain that there isn’t a single chance that he will take these feelings away and it’s that hope in a relationship (or in mine as the case may be) that is the killer. Disappointment is the ultimate killer. Like I said, for me anyway. I am not anywhere near as heartbroken as I’ve been before (thanks ex mr chop) and I think this is why I’m really confused on to how I do actually feel. Because I’m not a zombie I think that I must not have really been in to ex mexican man. But then I get these big moments of sadness and I know that’s not right, I was really in to him, I really cared about him and I really wanted to believe that he cared about me as well. Which turned out to be false but hey, a girl can dream right? I guess he was never going to care about me in the way I wanted though, not after the summer, not after realising how heavy school was going to be, not after realising that I wanted a boyfriend and not a part time hook up. I feel like he viewed me as a friend who he sometimes slept with and that made it hard for him to see me as a girlfriend who had the right to his time. I miss him. I don’t know right now if that is because we were friends and I miss my friend or if I miss him because he was my boyfriend and now he isn’t. Or a mixture of both. All I kept thinking about today was what would I do if I saw him? Would I avoid eye contact and walk away as fast as possible, would I totally run in the opposite direction, would I smile and walk past, would I smile and stop to talk? At first I thought about how totally fine I was and therefore would smile and stop and talk. I would say ‘It’s ok you know, I’m ok and I want us to be ok. And you know where I am if you fancy a shag haha’. I would say ‘Lets be friends, I always thought maybe we would do better as friends’. I’d ask how his family was to show how I did still care. But then as I was walking through the spine today, at the time I know he would have been there, my heart started racing, I panicked and raced down that hallway to salvation. Possibly not ready to be friends then. I’m pretty sure he’s avoiding me actually cause there are moments today I generally would have seen him and he wasn’t around. But then that would be thinking about me and caring about seeing me, neither of which I think he’s doing. So I think I’m just reading in to the situation as is my standard behaviour. I don’t want to get back together I don’t think. I don’t think I was happy with him either. But just in the way that I half hoped to see and half prayed would never have a run in with ex mr chop, so goes it with ex mexican man.
I just hate that once again I was promised that someone was there for me and left! That I had this person to rely on when I didn’t! I hate that he promised to not do this to me and did! I hate that I am never ever fucking good enough. I hate that I am always the one left to cry and pick up the shards. I hate that I’m the one with the trust issues which people can’t understand why when it is pretty freaking obvious.
I mostly hate knowing that I miss him and he does not miss me
I chose you! Don’t you get it? Don’t you understand? I chose you to be the one, I chose you to be him. It’s not a choice I made for the fun of it you fucking asshole and its not a choice I can fucking take back. I went to yoga yesterday and I really enjoy it but at the same time I fucking hate it cause its all this meditation bullshit which makes you all comfortable and insightful in to yourself and the instructor kept banging on about how you are your choices, your choices are what make you and all I can do is fucking lay there in the dead baby pose or whatever its called and think, well that is fan-fucking-tastic because I CHOSE YOU AND YOU AREN’T HERE. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? YOU KNOW YOU’RE MEANT TO BE HERE RIGHT?
WHERE ARE YOU??? HOW ARE WE MEANT TO GROW WHEN WE AREN’T TOGETHER? HOW AM I MEANT TO MOVE THE FUCK ON WHEN I KNOW ITS WRONG? I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY AT YOU!! YOU ARE FUCKING UP AND I’M HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE FUCKING CONSEQUENCES ALONE! SO WHERE ARE YOU?
Where the hell are you babe? I just don’t understand. I am so lost
You told me that we had to be blocked from each other cause otherwise we would just keep messaging each other etc. You held strong for a while so why all of a sudden unblock me? Why make it obvious you have a girlfriend (so much for still thinking about me and not having a girlfriend since me etcbullshitetc) and then the same day, get rid of the evidence again? I’m probably reading waaay too much in to this to be honest. Maybe it means that he’s over it now and over me and having me blocked was pointless cause having me unblocked doesn’t make a difference to him. What ever the case may be, the second I realised he had made us visible to each other again, I blocked him.
I’m actually proud of myself. Usually I will block him for about a day and then unblock him and then the whole thing starts again, I do slight stalkage and then he will send a little message and then we get talking and then we end up in a bad place again. I guess either I’m growing up or I’m for a change putting my money where my mouth is and trying to move on. Its kind of sad that I can’t have him in my life at all, not even a small tiny part because it is way too painful and just makes me still hold on to the hope that maybe, somehow, some day, we will make it back to each other. It is this hope that keeps my feelings for him going and this hope that kills a part of me so I guess that this is what I’m now actively trying to get rid of. I seriously do not want to let this go though and this is where the problems all stem from. Its harder to let go of something that you just want to cling tightly to. But loving a man who doesn’t love me back is not the life I want for myself. I don’t want to be like my mum and dad, I want to move on and be happy and to look back one day and think yeah, we had good and bad times and that’s all there is to it.
It is honestly taking every piece of will power I have to not unblock him. My insides are hurting, my heart is aching, my head is heavy but I am still holding strong.