Disbelief

I really can’t believe I came all the way back to see ex mr chop and it isn’t going to happen. I’m not going to see him. I’m not going to get that chat I’ve wanted since he left, I’m not going to see truth in what he’s told me over the years. It’s not just not going to happen either, it’s very clear from this that it won’t ever happen. It’s so disappointing.

It’s a good thing I’m going back next week, I’ve caused enough problems by being here as it is. Farmer boi is all mixed up in me and imagining a future that will never happen, once again being a bad seed for the ex ex, bro is pissed that I’ve had my old room while being here, had way too much ‘family’ time.

Finally met mr moo. I can see why she likes him and he definitely made an effort for my being there and was very hospitable. I don’t necessarily like the way he talks to her sometimes and he has a very obvious controlling side to him. But he has stood by her through everything she’s been going through and for that I am grateful to him.

Brighton this weekend which will be a laugh. Then a week and I am back to my reality

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So Lame

I’m still pissed off but mainly I’m just sad. I thought something like this would happen and then after what happened with farmer boi the other night I knew that my karma was shot to hell as well. Even if that was a beautiful night with farmer boi which was a ‘what if’ that I’m glad I won’t have hanging over my head for the rest of my life. He made me feel beautiful and loved and I haven’t had that in a very very long time. It’s shit that even that amazing night still doesn’t stop me from being sad over ex mr chop but I guess as much as I love farmer boi, ex mr chop really is going to be the what if of my life and there is really nothing anymore to be done about it. Takes two to make the what if go away. All I wanted was a chance to see him and talk! All I wanted was some truth to the things he’s said to me! Part of me thinks maybe he did this on purpose. Maybe he actually couldn’t handle seeing me, that it would be to hard, and so he pushed me away on purpose. The other part of me is much more sure that he just ultimately didn’t give a shit and there it is. Usual behaviour from ex mr chop where he talks the talk because he gets bored and then when it comes time to put action to his words, he doesn’t because what he was chatting was bullshit in the first place.

My head is all over the place anyway thanks to farmer boi. So maybe one less distraction is what I need for my poor little bruised heart. Even if the fates have let me down, even if destiny isn’t what I thought it would be.

Good thing I know that I have a distraction waiting for me back in AK

Strange Strange Times

Boyfriend. I haven’t had a real honest to god boyfriend since ex mr chop. It feels really weird to be honest, I’ve been single for so long and fought against having feelings for anyone so hard, that to have given in and let go gives me the sensation of falling. I know I really like him, obviously since I’m in a relationship with him, I just don’t know if I like him enough for it to really go anywhere or if I like him enough for it just to be something for now. In the back of my mind all I can think about is the summer and whats the point in becoming invested in someone who is going away for 3-4months in about 2months? Were too new, were not strong enough to survive a long distance thing, I don’t even think I believe in long distance things. Or am I just doing my usual look ahead and freak thing. Should I just be enjoying this for what it is for as long as I have it and not worry about whats to come. Thing is I’ve never been like that, I always look ahead to judge whether something is right for me and worth my time. Hes never had a serious girlfriend or even a longish term girlfriend. That’s all I’ve ever been! I don’t know how to have a non-serious relationship but I don’t think that’s what he wants? I’m still not one to make a guess at what he wants from me or is thinking, I still don’t really know him. We still don’t really know each other. Except sometimes I think he knows me better than I think he does whereas I feel like I only know surface stuff about him. I thought he wouldn’t want to publicise our relationship and instead he was hurt cause he thought that it was me who didn’t want to. I thought he was only in it for sex and instead he’d been waiting for me to show interest in taking it to the next level. He knows what coffee I drink, I don’t know his?! That was a surprise. He knew I was hanging yesterday and found me in the library and had gotten me my coffee. I was shocked. I didn’t realise he’d been paying that close attention.  I already feel like a bad girlfriend and we’ve only been official for about a week!!

I’m just so scared. I’m scared of hurting him, I’m scared of letting him down, I’m scared of becoming attached to him, I’m scared that I won’t meet his expectations of me, I’m scared that I’m so use to being single and alone and independent that I won’t be able to be a girlfriend. I even tried scaring him off already by being all ‘being a boyfriend is a totally different set of responsibilities blah blah’. No dice. I’m also wondering if I’m trying to use this to hurt ex mr chop. The whole nany nany boo boo, I win, I’ve moved on with a real relationship. Except is it a real relationship if I’m using it as a victory or is that a natural after effect, the whole winning thing. I know I need to chill out and relax about this whole thing, I know I do. I just can’t help it, I hate not knowing, I hate how unsure about things I still am. The whole non-pda thing is not helping either. I am a person who makes a connection through being physical. We haven’t had sex in an age and now I can’t cause I’m on my fucking cycle (on one hand phew on the other, irritating as fuck) and at uni I’m so unsure how to be around him. I can’t be affectionate, I can’t be physical. I don’t even get hugs. I’m not asking for him to eat me out in the middle of the library, I’m not asking for make out sessions, I don’t even want the whole hand holding thing (which yeah, would also be nice once in a while). But a hug? A hand on the knee? Something, anything?! That would be nice. I don’t know how I’m supposed to build a connection with him if I can’t physically connect with him.

Or this is all just really stupid and I’m making problems out of nothing so I can feel justified in pushing him away.

?

I literally don’t know why I’m even alive or what the point of being here is. Even when I think I’m doing good and being better, every single time I start feeling ok about myself, someone is there to remind me that I’m not and I’m still a fuck up and I’m still to hard to have around. Apparently I am a liar. Apparently I am constantly ungrateful and unhelpful. Apparently I am not trying. Apparently I didn’t know this; I really didn’t. I do now of course and I’m left wondering that obviously this is the person I am and I’ve tried to fix me and I’ve tried to ask for help and I’ve tried to be someone completely different and nothing seems to work so, what is the point.

I am not a liar. I am not a bad person. I am not ungrateful. I am not a total fuck up, I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol or been arrested or have a criminal record, I am not violent, I am not unhelpful. I am just not the person some people think I should be. I am just a bit defeated. I am just hoping to die. I am just lost. I am trying not to be these things but its going to take longer than a couple of months.

I wonder though. Whats the point

Just Want To Belong

That’s all I want, all anyone wants I think. I just want to finally be accepted and understood; I don’t want to be the one to sit in silence wishing that I was a wanted part of the family. I don’t want to be the one who people presume I’m going to throw a fit and so beat me to the punch by making me feel like shit. After everything I have ever gone through and the very very little I have asked for ever, after trying so hard to push myself out of the dark place I’ve been for the past year without any help, after trying to be the best person that I could be and I’m still the disappointment.

Always the fucking disappointment

Brian

You have disappointed me so much. Stop reading my blog, delete the link, give yourself a chance to get over it. I stand by what I said, you are a cunt; for being too afraid to have me in your life, for giving up and letting go and for not being there.

If you can’t stop being so afraid you’re going to end up alone, having to watch everyone around you grow up and move on with their lives

Deserve It

I know I know I know I deserve it. But I miss him, the ex ex. So much. I tried, I failed. Again. Again, again. Back to fantasising, back to real life, back to feeling sad.

Moan moan, I realise thats all I do. I am grateful for some things in my life, I’m grateful for my friends, I’m grateful for my supportive mum, I’m grateful that I still haven’t really given up on finding love and happiness.

I just wish I could have had the hindsight to avoid where I am now!

Ever thine, Ever mine, Ever ours