I don’t think I can do it! I don’t think I can sit across from ex mr chop and him being all loved up and pretend that I don’t care, even for an hour. I definitely can not sit across from him for the first time since we broke up and pretend that or do that with someone else there. I don’t think my brain and mouth will connect in a workable fashion. Maybe seeing him isn’t in the cards yet, maybe I’m still not ready for that. I also think its a bunch of bullshit, you can’t be my friend on facebook but you want me to meet you and be friendly in the real world?! I know that on some (or all) levels I am being a fucktarded nutcase and thinking way too much in to things, trust me when I say I fucking hate that I do this but I just know that the wall I built up not to keep anyone out but to block myself from certain feelings, has a real chance of crumbling if I see him. It would have been easier if I was in a relationship but I’m not and I don’t think it’s fair that he has that extra layer of protection! I don’t want to be the sad single one who can’t seem to make it work with anyone else. Also there is a very huge chance that I may throw myself at him seeing as I still haven’t had as good sex since I was with him. I hate that my vagina is also against me. Haha.
Bomo tonight!! Was talking all night last night with loverr and treacle about sunday, am SO excited to see them! Need to make new years plans as well, moo wants to do this family thing that I’m invited to but I feel like it’s all couples who I don’t know and as much as I love moo, I kind of want to get drunk and stupid with the possibility of finding a new years kiss. But at the same time I know I’d have a lovely time with moo, even if I feel like I’m kind of crashing (which is the main thing).
The most painful thought is knowing how your life is meant to turn out and the most difficult realisation is knowing it never will be.
To me a soulmate is your own soul’s recognition in another. It is as if the whole world suddenly narrows down until all you can see is this one person and you know they are special, you don’t know why, but you know that this person is going to change you. Completely. Forever. Nothing will stop you from being with this person. Except of course if they all of a sudden develop complete retardedness and leave you for no fucking reason and then are too chicken shit to fix the situation until it is too goddamn late.
Sorry I fucked up what could have been the rest of our lives, I miss you, I’m sorry and I think I will always love you. Really? Now? 3 years later? Are you fucking kidding me? Each sentence was like another bullet through the shield I’ve concocted around myself and once again I am left defenseless and full of these muthfucking holes!
I really like my boyfriend. A part of me does love him because I care for him and he could have potentially been the Y to my X chromosome. I am not in love with him but maybe one day I could be? But I don’t think its fair. I don’t want to still be in love with someone else and just merely be making do. Maybe that’s why my boyfriend doesn’t know how he feels about me or doesn’t love me. Maybe a part of him knows that my heart is not 100% in it. Unless I am. I feel like I could be? 100% in it.
I chose you! Don’t you get it? Don’t you understand? I chose you to be the one, I chose you to be him. It’s not a choice I made for the fun of it you fucking asshole and its not a choice I can fucking take back. I went to yoga yesterday and I really enjoy it but at the same time I fucking hate it cause its all this meditation bullshit which makes you all comfortable and insightful in to yourself and the instructor kept banging on about how you are your choices, your choices are what make you and all I can do is fucking lay there in the dead baby pose or whatever its called and think, well that is fan-fucking-tastic because I CHOSE YOU AND YOU AREN’T HERE. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? YOU KNOW YOU’RE MEANT TO BE HERE RIGHT?
WHERE ARE YOU??? HOW ARE WE MEANT TO GROW WHEN WE AREN’T TOGETHER? HOW AM I MEANT TO MOVE THE FUCK ON WHEN I KNOW ITS WRONG? I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY AT YOU!! YOU ARE FUCKING UP AND I’M HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE FUCKING CONSEQUENCES ALONE! SO WHERE ARE YOU?
Where the hell are you babe? I just don’t understand. I am so lost
You told me that we had to be blocked from each other cause otherwise we would just keep messaging each other etc. You held strong for a while so why all of a sudden unblock me? Why make it obvious you have a girlfriend (so much for still thinking about me and not having a girlfriend since me etcbullshitetc) and then the same day, get rid of the evidence again? I’m probably reading waaay too much in to this to be honest. Maybe it means that he’s over it now and over me and having me blocked was pointless cause having me unblocked doesn’t make a difference to him. What ever the case may be, the second I realised he had made us visible to each other again, I blocked him.
I’m actually proud of myself. Usually I will block him for about a day and then unblock him and then the whole thing starts again, I do slight stalkage and then he will send a little message and then we get talking and then we end up in a bad place again. I guess either I’m growing up or I’m for a change putting my money where my mouth is and trying to move on. Its kind of sad that I can’t have him in my life at all, not even a small tiny part because it is way too painful and just makes me still hold on to the hope that maybe, somehow, some day, we will make it back to each other. It is this hope that keeps my feelings for him going and this hope that kills a part of me so I guess that this is what I’m now actively trying to get rid of. I seriously do not want to let this go though and this is where the problems all stem from. Its harder to let go of something that you just want to cling tightly to. But loving a man who doesn’t love me back is not the life I want for myself. I don’t want to be like my mum and dad, I want to move on and be happy and to look back one day and think yeah, we had good and bad times and that’s all there is to it.
It is honestly taking every piece of will power I have to not unblock him. My insides are hurting, my heart is aching, my head is heavy but I am still holding strong.
I can’t believe myself. I HATE that I still miss you. I HATE that I still love you.
I really really hate that you don’t.
I KEEP MEETING GUYS, I DO ACTUALLY GO OUT AND MEET GUYS AND GET CHATTED UP AND GET NUMBERS AND GET ASKED FOR MY NUMBER ALL THE TIME AND OCCASIONALLY I EVEN MEET A GUY WHO IS GREAT AND WHO I WOULD TOTALLY BE WITH. AND I CAN’T. BECAUSE OF YOU.
FUCK ME, I HATE ME. I JUST WANT TO BE OVER THIS. I WANT TO NOT BE SAD. I TRY SO FUCKING HARD TO NOT BE THIS PERSON. AND IT’S NEVER FUCKING ENOUGH.
When the shitting hell is this going to be over?? It’s been long enough now. It’s so enough.
Here was my problem back in the UK. I care way way too much and take on people as my responsibility. I don’t know why but I always felt like I was directly responsible for people’s actions and if they messed up or needed help or seemed like they were flailing, I would step in and try to fix everything. I would feel guilty if I couldn’t help, I would feel guilty if things didn’t get better for that person. I would feel like it was my fault basically. That is why I stuck it out for so long with the ex ex and landed myself in so much trouble. I’m pretty sure this aspect of myself pissed off ex mr chop cause he didn’t need saving and I clearly did and wouldn’t own up to that.
I needed saving. I think it hurt ex mr chop’s feelings that I wouldn’t let him help me. I think that was one of our problems.
So I came out to America to get help. To be saved. To be taught how to live life differently. To be different. To be lovable. I’m not there yet but I am learning. Learning to live responsibly, learning what a family really means, learning who I am, learning how to let go of the control.
Writer boy. Fuck. Talk about finding the exact guy I should have been avoiding. Just another total ex ex situation and personality and type. The kind of guy who thinks he knows what hes doing but actually is just a massive child and fucks up. I was already starting to feel responsible for him and I felt so bad about the Papa Roach situation and then I thought No. He chose to go, he chose to drive there, he chose to drink a lot, he chose to not call a friend or his brother, he chose to not accept some cash for a cab and then he chose to drive home. He chose these things with no influence from me. I ended it because I do not want to be stuck with another person who is just going to drag me right back to square one. I’m not going to do it, I’ve worked to fucking hard to get to the place I am now. I am not responsible for other people’s actions. I do not need to feel guilty or be the one to bail them out. Its OK to let people stand on their own goddamn feet.
I am proud of myself for ending it. I am proud of myself for realising that I am better than this. I think I’m finally starting to develop some sense of self worth.
Its kind of cool.
I also really miss talking to ex mr chop. I’ve been hanging out with batgirl and her boyfriend and I really love their company because they just remind me of me and ex mr chop. They are so laid back and chilled and funny and its so obvious that they’re not just together but they’re best friends as well. Me and ex mr chop were best friends. I miss that. I still miss him every single day. I still think about him. I still think we should be together and I still think that he needs to get off his arse and help make it happen. I still think I am the only one out of the two of us who thinks/believes in all this and that’s a lonely place to be. But I’m use to it.
Miss you. You’d like batgirl and boyfriend. You would like hiking and fishing and camping and soon snowboarding and snowmen and random bluegrass festivals.
I think he wanted me to block him. I’m not sure. I’m not sure why he didn’t just do it himself. I thought we had come so far from that stage. I thought finally he was going to let me in. I thought a lot of things I guess. I didn’t want to block him. Cutting him out of my life like that is excruciating but I think its what he wanted. I hope he realises its not what I wanted. At all in fact. I hope he finds a way around it, I hope he emails me or something. I miss him already. I just want to talk to him but he doesn’t want to talk to me and has made that perfectly clear.
So, nearly 2 years after he walked out I finally got my wish of him admitting that it was the worst mistake of his life, that he has never stopped thinking about me and that I was right. About everything. I thought knowing this would make me happy. I thought that after he said this, everything else would fall in to place and work out and we would be happy again.
Its a bit crushing to realise that it changes nothing except now I feel more lonely than before because now I know, if I hadn’t stayed out here, I would be there and we would be in the same place. I didn’t need to regret another part of my life and now I do.
My fantasy would be him moving heaven and earth to be with me. I would do it for him but after everything that’s happened, after his massive cock-up, after me sorting so much of myself out, he needs to be the one to put it back together. I would have him make the grand gesture and fly out without telling me, turning up, sweeping me off my feet. We would make the long distance thing work for a bit until he could come over here. We would rebuild us in to something better, stronger. I honestly feel like, if he is actually going through the same stuff as me, is having to work as hard to forget me as I’ve been trying to forget him, if he loves me like I love him, we could make this work. It would take time and effort and it would be hard. But it would also be wonderful. Then I have to remind myself, this fantasy is going to end just as bitterly as when I was convinced he would turn up to the airport when I flew home.
I have decided I am the most lowly and pathetic creature alive. I mean seriously, the guy could not have been clearer, I MISS YOU AS A FRIEND KATE. Word for word what he said to me. But then the highlight of my day is getting the most insignificant email from him, sitting here with a beady eye on my hotmail waiting for a glorious message of ‘ex mr chop has sent you a message on facebook’. As soon as that pops up in my inbox I suddenly become all smiles and excitement, over a message as simple as ‘hey whats up’. I try to interpret whatever he says to me to become more than it actually is, ‘any plans for the summer?’. No, why, would you come over, is that what you’re asking, are you asking if I’m coming back, would you care if I did, would you want to meet up, would something happen with us. And so on and so on. Seriously, if I was the friend of me, I would give me a massive smack upside the head.
Its not as if I haven’t been trying to stay away from this situation. I deleted him for bejeebus sakes! I make sure I don’t message him. I made sure I couldn’t stalk him! I’ve been talking to other boys so I’m not thinking about him! But then he sends me a simple email and it all comes crashing down around my ears AGAIN.
Part of me wants to say to him, don’t get in touch with me like I asked you before. The other part wants to say, stay in my life and don’t ever leave ok?
I think trying the whole friends thing has been a mistake. Do you see it? We seem to constantly be commenting on each others things. We talk to each other in the way that started this whole mess. We still use our inside jokes. I know this doesn’t mean anything to you, I know that you won’t understand why I think we need to stop now. I wasn’t hurting, at first. I wasn’t back to missing you deep in my core. I have a chance to really actually move on but all I can think about is you. All I can do is look at your pictures and think how I know that face, I know that smile and I’m back to being confused. Confused on why we aren’t together. I feel that empty hurt and loneliness that I did when you left; that loneliness that eats away at everything and its not fair cause I really have been working on fixing it. I know that when you said you loved me and that I was your soulmate, that you probably thought that you meant it and this is the problem. When you said those things I don’t think you really understood what you were saying and so didn’t really mean it. I don’t think this was on purpose, I just think that you were caught up in the moment. So the problem is, when I said that I loved you, when I said that you were the one, I meant it with everything I had. I still mean it. I DON’T WANT TO MEAN IT ANYMORE! I am SO TIRED of meaning it! FUCK YOU FOR BEING OK. FUCK YOU FOR GETTING OVER IT DAYS AFTER YOU LEFT. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME THINK YOU WERE FOREVER. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME THINK YOU WERE DIFFERENT. FUCK YOU FOR LEAVING. FUCK YOU FOR MESSING WITH MY HEAD AFTER YOU LEFT. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FOR COMING BACK IN TO MY LIFE.