It’s now coming up to the 4 month break up mark and I’ve come to the conclusion that its just getting pathetic now, I need to stop thinking about him, I need to stop feeling so sad. So for the past few weeks I have been totally lying to myself and had actually managed to start believing in the lie.
Moo, Lezzer, myself and a few others had planned on going out to lava tomorrow night and then a few days ago found out that all the Imps were going out to get trashed and would most likely end up in lava which meant a more than 90% chance of running in to the ex. Oh I’m fine it might actually help me to get over him by seeing him ignore me in the flesh blah blah, is what I said. I even managed to carry on with that spiel for a couple of days but moo, thank god and bless her heart, totally called me out on it. She knew I wasn’t ready for that hurt, she knows I still love him and she made me face up to my own bullshit.
It was a bit of a harsh blow realising that I haven’t been getting over how I feel, I’ve just been stuffing it down and plastering a smile on my face. Even though the signs were still there, still can’t sleep, still so sad, still can’t look at his pictures, still can’t think of him without missing him so much. Still can’t think of us without being so sure this was such a mistake.
The thing thats making my head spin is, I think he misses me as well. I know he still has evidence not just of us but of how much he loved me around. He doesn’t know that I know that. I know he still thinks about me. I know that this doesn’t mean anything, when he left he said he would miss me. But in my head, in my heart, I can’t help but wonder, does he miss me like I miss him? Does he wonder if he made a mistake? Has he been lying to himself like I’ve been doing? Has he been avoiding me because he knows he can’t lie to my face?
I think thats what I need. I need him to tell me to my face, look in to my eyes and tell me. It would hurt a lot but thats what I need. Thats why I still wanted to go out tomorrow night. But moo was right, I’m not ready for that. I don’t think he understands, I haven’t seen or spoken (properly) to him since he left and its made it that much harder to move on, to not have that closure. It doesn’t feel real, all I’ve been left with are these unanswered questions.