Twisting my fingers in your hair,
Pulling you down so your face touches mine,
I want to swallow you whole.
I want to crawl inside you and never come out,
I want us to hide forever from the world,
From anyone who wishes us harm,
From anyone who wants to break us apart.
I crush your body against mine;
But its never enough
It’s now coming up to the 4 month break up mark and I’ve come to the conclusion that its just getting pathetic now, I need to stop thinking about him, I need to stop feeling so sad. So for the past few weeks I have been totally lying to myself and had actually managed to start believing in the lie.
Moo, Lezzer, myself and a few others had planned on going out to lava tomorrow night and then a few days ago found out that all the Imps were going out to get trashed and would most likely end up in lava which meant a more than 90% chance of running in to the ex. Oh I’m fine it might actually help me to get over him by seeing him ignore me in the flesh blah blah, is what I said. I even managed to carry on with that spiel for a couple of days but moo, thank god and bless her heart, totally called me out on it. She knew I wasn’t ready for that hurt, she knows I still love him and she made me face up to my own bullshit.
It was a bit of a harsh blow realising that I haven’t been getting over how I feel, I’ve just been stuffing it down and plastering a smile on my face. Even though the signs were still there, still can’t sleep, still so sad, still can’t look at his pictures, still can’t think of him without missing him so much. Still can’t think of us without being so sure this was such a mistake.
The thing thats making my head spin is, I think he misses me as well. I know he still has evidence not just of us but of how much he loved me around. He doesn’t know that I know that. I know he still thinks about me. I know that this doesn’t mean anything, when he left he said he would miss me. But in my head, in my heart, I can’t help but wonder, does he miss me like I miss him? Does he wonder if he made a mistake? Has he been lying to himself like I’ve been doing? Has he been avoiding me because he knows he can’t lie to my face?
I think thats what I need. I need him to tell me to my face, look in to my eyes and tell me. It would hurt a lot but thats what I need. Thats why I still wanted to go out tomorrow night. But moo was right, I’m not ready for that. I don’t think he understands, I haven’t seen or spoken (properly) to him since he left and its made it that much harder to move on, to not have that closure. It doesn’t feel real, all I’ve been left with are these unanswered questions.
Blah.
Sometimes I feel like I’m back to square one and I just can’t stop this overwhelming sadness. I think back to everything that was said, promises we made and I just hate the way its all turned out. I hate that I’m sick and can’t talk to him about it or about any of the fun, crazy stuff thats been going on. I hate that I can’t be there for him when things are stressing him out and its been driving me mad, I don’t understand why I still care! But I do. He was my friend before anything else and I am just one of those people who never really forgets that. Even with people who have really hurt me or let me down or heck accused me of stealing when I never did, I still would be there for them if they needed me. I would still want to turn it around if I could.
Everyone has this perception of me being this cold, moody person who doesn’t like people and yeah, I do think a lot of people do some really stupid things and are generally a pain in my ass, but every single person who has ever touched my life will always be in my heart. I have to put on that cold persona because it is far too easy for me too start caring about them. This is why I put everyone ahead of me, this is why I put myself out there again and again.
I miss my friend, a lot. Nothing more than that, just being able to talk to my friend.
Before he left me I booked a double bungee jump for his 21st birthday. A few days ago I finally got round to trying to get my money back from it and found out I couldn’t so I thought well it was his birthday gift, I can’t get the money back anyway and I’m not going to go so I emailed a very short pleasant message asking if he would still like the voucher to go with someone else.
But I forgot that I don’t exist to him anymore.
What have I done that is so wrong?? Why can you not even respond to a simple email? Its not as if I’m stalking you, I could be texting or ringing all the time and I haven’t done once, which is totally amazing for girls in my situation! Why be an asshole about this breakup and towards me?
Incidentally, double bungee jump voucher up for grabs?
I feel like I’ve used up my shit-ex boyfriend talking time so I pretend I’m doing fine. I hate it, this pretending I’m almost totally over it, that I’m fine and ready to move on. I’m not ready. I still feel it too deeply in my core that you’re the one, that its still you and me against the world. You told me that remember? What happened to that?
Life as I know it 