And He Makes Five

Ok, so I did it, I slept with writer boy. I don’t really have much to say about it to be honest. I didn’t cry. I felt kind of sad I guess. I don’t know. I felt really conflicted before, I even emailed ex mr chop I was feeling that uncertain about what the right thing would be. I love ex mr chop. I don’t see that changing and I don’t want to make someone fall for me when I will never fall for them in the same way. I didn’t know if it would be an ok thing to sleep with writer boy if my heart and head is with someone else and I just wanted ex mr chop to tell me it was ok basically. But of course he never replied and I knew he wouldn’t and I’m kind of glad cause it is none of his business and I’m mad at myself for involving him when I shouldn’t have. I won’t be doing that again.

So, sex with writer boy. It has potential. I think it was just the whole awkward first time thing with someone new that’s kind of freaked me out. Nothing like TV guy (baha now that was an awful freak out). Erghhhh ok so it’s already started, he wanted me to stay the night and cuddle and spoon and I’m all ICK NO!! First off, WASH YOUR SHEETS AND I MIGHT THINK ABOUT IT!! Also, do not tell me stories about mice and shit in your room. Also don’t CONSTANTLY talk about your ex and have her name stickered on your laptop and expect me to want to snuggle.

I DON’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP. I DO NOT WANT A BOYFRIEND. SERIOUSLY, WTF??? I thought guys my age only wanted girls to hook up with. I thought guys didn’t call or txt when they said they would, I thought there were 3 day rules, I thought after a hook up guys just wanted you to go. These are all the stories I’ve heard so how the shitting hell do I keep ending up meeting the guys who want to get all close and cuddly and relationship couply???

I think if I let myself I could really like him. I’m just completely balking at the whole being part of a couple thing. Especially as we are both totally dysfunctional. Especially as I know he’s not the one and will never be anything serious to me. I kind of hope he realises that before he gets in further with me. Or at least, I hope he feels the same about me.

Bah. Happy to have been laid though!

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Achy Breaky Heart

Up and down, yes then no then yes then no. I can’t seem to make up my mind with this guy. When I’m with him I enjoy being around him and yesterday I had my Barnes and Noble meeting and he came and met me for a quick coffee when I’d finished and I found myself staring at him, wanting to touch him, wanting to just interrupt him and kiss him. I left with a massive smile on my face. I left horny for him. But then once I’m away from him I lose that feeling and I suddenly don’t know what the hell I’m doing,

This is my theory. I think that my emotions got so fucked over that they are now in hiding. In hiding but will every so often peek out. My heart wants to man every fucking battle station it has to keep a new guy out. I feel like I do really like him but my head and my heart are in total agreement that they do NOT want to go through that shit again and so they’ve manned up to keep this new fucker out.

I understand head, I get it heart. But if we don’t let someone in, and someone soon, we are going to end up alone forever. I acknowledge this fact and yet it sort of doesn’t scare me. Better to be alone than to be completely fucked over in every way.

Another dinner with him tomorrow. I’m pretty sure I’m looking forward to it. Not too sure though

Poem: Eyes To Yours

bathed in moonlight, breath heavy, heart pumping

gazing at you

soft kisses, small whimpers, my eyes to yours

gazing at you

lips touch your skin, sweet caresses, hands hold your face,

merging with you, gazing at you

while you gaze at me.

Rational Or Scared?

So much has been going on.

I am so tired I could cry. Working 7 days a week plus finding time to be helpful at the house, plus having a life with friends, plus fitting in a guy. Yep that’s right, there’s been a guy on the scene!

He is tall and attractive. He has a degree in English and Writing, he wants to eventually become an English professor. He is in the process of going to Korea to teach English for a few years. He is sweet and a little quiet. Hes been very forthcoming about himself and things hes going through which is really nice but some things hes said has given me pause for thought. Hes extremely protective already, he walks me across the road and to my car, he keeps his hand at the small of my back when he thinks I need direction. Which is very sweet and chivalrous and a teensy bit annoying at the same time. He has two cats which says he likes animals and that’s always a nice trait for a man to have. I get the feeling hes kind of a sensitive soul. I don’t know how to handle a kind of sensitive soul though.

I like him, I really do. I’m attracted to him for sure, we’ve made out a few times. When we sit down we automatically sit as close to each as possible. I think I do want to sleep with him. I think though that it would be serious sex with him, like with the ex ex. Always so serious.

I don’t know if I feel like myself around him.

I feel like maybe even though hes a really great guy, hes just not there yet. Hes not in the same place as me. He is sort of all over the place, he wants to move away, he makes these cracks about himself that I find kind of worrying. But then I feel like I can talk to him about anything, hes a really good listener and conversationalist.

Can’t Stop Reading…..

Brian Ranson11 June 01:41
Best thing to do is to block me then on here cause ill keep wanting to talk to you.Thing is kate im having to do the same as you. But the worst thing is that it was my choice n the wrong one. i havent had a girlfriend since you.
And he wonders why I can’t let go of him. Every time I thought I was ready. This one message has set me back months and months. I can meet up with guys, I can chat them up, I can be interesting and flirty. But I am still stone cold inside.I just cannot make myself feel anything real. I don’t know if I will ever feel anything real again. I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to pretend and get on with my life I just also know that it won’t actually be real. I know people say that if it was actually meant to be, it would have worked out. Except no one realizes that sometimes there are just way too many circumstances. Ex mr chop was right, he needed to do him and I needed to do me. Except I was so broken and lost that I couldn’t and instead I moved out of the country. When ex mr chop left he said it might be a few years down the line but who knows. If I had sorted my shit out in England then I would still be there and this whole thing might have gone down completely different. That’s what I think anyway. Maybe he didn’t, doesn’t, feel like that and he was just saying it to appease me. I just don’t understand why he would do that when he was the one to get in touch with me, when he was the one to start all this shit and say shit. He had no right. And now he’s blocked me which is awesome.
Fuck you. Fuck you so hard ex mr chop. I hate you.