Is There Such A Thing?

Had a facebook message from ex mr chop today ‘Honest drunk question. Have you (since breaking up) had sex as good as we had when together?? Cause tbf its gona be hard to beat lol Because we were awesome dans la sack haha xx’. Firstly, is there such a thing as an ‘honest’ drunk question? Cause generally there are motives behind asking questions, especially when drunk and all reminiscing. I mean, I’m pretty sure what happened here was a drunk horny ex mr chop saw me on facebook chat, remembered that yes, we did have pretty great sex and decided to bring it up. I also think he was probably hoping for a reply along the lines of ohh nooo you are the bestest everrr!

Ok so truthfully yes, the sex I had with him was the best sex I’ve ever had, no I haven’t had sex that even comes close since we finished. Was I going to admit that to him? Fuck no! Fuck no I’m not going to boost his shitty fucking ego up and make him think that I miss him in any sort of way. Back in the day I’d have totally told the truth in the hopes that he’d be all happy and somehow we’d end up in the getting back together conversation. I didn’t want to be mean either so I just laughed it off and was like yes and no. Which is a lie wrapped in the truth. There have been instances of really good sex but what ex mr chop doesn’t understand is, for me, the sex with him was only so amazing because it wasn’t just great sex, it was great sex with someone I was so in love with. It was great sex with my best friend who I believed was as in love with me as I was with him. Sex for me isn’t just about the act. What makes it great for me is how I feel about that person. Which is why I haven’t had anything that is comparable; I haven’t been with someone that I feel as or more strongly for.

So now yeah, I feel all achy and sad. It really hurts my feelings that he can’t not do this, can’t not take it too far, can’t just leave what we were alone. It doesn’t hurt him in the same way because he didn’t feel the same things that I did and he knows this, how many times have we tried being ‘friends’ until he just has to go and ruin it all? I guess he will never understand why he needs to leave certain things alone for the exact reason that it doesn’t affect him in the same way and if I want to be ‘friends’ I will just have to put up with it and accept that. Even if it hurts. Why do I have to though? Put up with it? To show I’m over it? How is that fair? Shouldn’t we be friends on equal terms? I’m just tired of always being the one who has to say stop cause it hurts.

Meh

My Inner Self Is A Retard

I like sex. I think sex is great. Its fun, its horny, its a great form of exercise and its just good times. But you know what I realised? I was thinking about this, I have not had a lot of good sex in my life and I know its not cause its hard to get me off cause I can do it myself in under 10minutes, its cause I have to be really really in to the guy I’m with for there to be any sort of orgasm. And I don’t just mean oh you’re hot so I’m really in to this, I have to really care about the guy I’m with. Its so stupid cause what, does that mean I will only have pleasurable sex with guys I’m in love with?? How hopeless is that?? I don’t want a relationship cause I don’t want to fall in love cause its too scary ┬átherefore I’m doomed to an O-less life??

It totally makes sense as well cause the one person I was truly in love with was the only person who could actually get me to that point and consistently, not just once in a while like the ex ex. Maybe that’s another reason why I can’t let go, because I don’t think I could ever have that with anyone ever again so really, whats the point? And yes, whats the point, I am not one of those people who believes that sex is a small part of a relationship. If that’s what you believe then fair enough but for me? Fuck no! Sex is an EXTREMELY important part of a relationship, its about intimacy and being lovers and using that lust and love for each other in a real and physical way. Its makeup sex and silly sex and making love. It is important.

Godamnit

And He Makes Five

Ok, so I did it, I slept with writer boy. I don’t really have much to say about it to be honest. I didn’t cry. I felt kind of sad I guess. I don’t know. I felt really conflicted before, I even emailed ex mr chop I was feeling that uncertain about what the right thing would be. I love ex mr chop. I don’t see that changing and I don’t want to make someone fall for me when I will never fall for them in the same way. I didn’t know if it would be an ok thing to sleep with writer boy if my heart and head is with someone else and I just wanted ex mr chop to tell me it was ok basically. But of course he never replied and I knew he wouldn’t and I’m kind of glad cause it is none of his business and I’m mad at myself for involving him when I shouldn’t have. I won’t be doing that again.

So, sex with writer boy. It has potential. I think it was just the whole awkward first time thing with someone new that’s kind of freaked me out. Nothing like TV guy (baha now that was an awful freak out). Erghhhh ok so it’s already started, he wanted me to stay the night and cuddle and spoon and I’m all ICK NO!! First off, WASH YOUR SHEETS AND I MIGHT THINK ABOUT IT!! Also, do not tell me stories about mice and shit in your room. Also don’t CONSTANTLY talk about your ex and have her name stickered on your laptop and expect me to want to snuggle.

I DON’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP. I DO NOT WANT A BOYFRIEND. SERIOUSLY, WTF??? I thought guys my age only wanted girls to hook up with. I thought guys didn’t call or txt when they said they would, I thought there were 3 day rules, I thought after a hook up guys just wanted you to go. These are all the stories I’ve heard so how the shitting hell do I keep ending up meeting the guys who want to get all close and cuddly and relationship couply???

I think if I let myself I could really like him. I’m just completely balking at the whole being part of a couple thing. Especially as we are both totally dysfunctional. Especially as I know he’s not the one and will never be anything serious to me. I kind of hope he realises that before he gets in further with me. Or at least, I hope he feels the same about me.

Bah. Happy to have been laid though!

Poem: Eyes To Yours

bathed in moonlight, breath heavy, heart pumping

gazing at you

soft kisses, small whimpers, my eyes to yours

gazing at you

lips touch your skin, sweet caresses, hands hold your face,

merging with you, gazing at you

while you gaze at me.

You Fucker!

FAIL! You wanted me to block you and I did and then I thought Ok, so now he thinks I’ve blocked him, its been a few days, I’ll unblock him and see if he blocks me. Cause if he does it means he is STILL checking my profile and then both me and him will know that he is STILL thinking about me and that his ignoring me will be a massive fail. And what do you know? All of a sudden I’m blocked. So massive fail ex mr chop cause now you know that I know that you were STILL trying to check up on me even though you were blocked.

And now hes going to have to be the one to keep me blocked instead of me knowing that one click and he would be unblocked. Which is a weight off of my shoulders to be honest. Even so. I can’t believe the fucker blocked me!

Men are such wankers. Fact.

And then all this shit going down with soldier boy this weekend. On Friday he tells me about this new pair of silk boxers hes so proud of, Friday night tries to send me a pic of him in them (my phone won’t accept pics), Saturday morning (2am) txts me asking if I saw the pic (I hadn’t and also threatened his ballsack if he txts me at 2am again, Saturday ALL BLOODY DAY asks how he can send me a pic and then spends the rest of the day asking if I’ve seen the pic, have I checked my inbox, on and on and on. I get home (very weary and just want to go to bed), have a quick look at my fb inbox and he’s sent not one or two pics but FIVE?! I didn’t even know what to say so kind of ignored the situation till much later the next day, made some lame joke about it and now were not really talking. I think I offended him by not being overly grateful for the pics. And yeah they were hot actually but it was just so random and…kind of try hard but not in the right way. I even said to him, if you want to try and get in my pants that’s fine but I am not one of those girls, I do not sleep around so if he wants any hes going to have to work hard for it. I said this cause its true and cause I fully expected him to be like ok buh bye then and instead he was all aha why would I want it easy. To which I said that easy seems to be what he likes. Which I think hurt his feelings.

Poor diddums

The Room Is Spinning

Want to vom and then sleep and then vom and then sleep a bit more but have so much assignment work to do. Which will start once the world is standing still again.

Drank a bottle and a half of wine to myself last night. In an attempt to escape from the world, which didn’t really happen, I just got mad and upset. Mad at ex mr chopper, mad at myself, upset at myself.

Had a nice dinner at TV guys and then a really surprisingly good time afterwards but I just don’t think I was really ready. So then I did the worst possible thing and left really quickly, phoned loverr, got more upset and did the ultimate in girly recoveries and bought wine and chocolate (and some fake kfc), hid in moo’s room and downed the lot. By the time moo got back I was very very drunk, swinging the almost empty wine bottle around, we went to get her some food and I was walking down the street shouting my head off, throwing around this bottle. Poor moo. She had to help me cross the road and everything. Aha. Oh and then I emailed ex mr chopper asking him to take the picture of me off cause it upset me, not the blog, just the picture and instead of just saying yeah sure and leaving it he actually tried to argue with me and then blocked me from seeing the blog and said that was good enough. Such a douche. Then finally saying he had deleted it but who knows if he’s telling the truth. I just didn’t understand why he had to be so difficult about it! I wasn’t asking a lot, I wasn’t trying to have a conversation or anything, I literally wanted that picture gone. I was even truthful about how I knew about it cause he asked so I don’t understand why he had to then be so insensitive about it. Whatever, it just goes to show that he may be ‘blogging’ his experiences but what he wrote in the one about me was a load of shit, if he meant any of it he wouldn’t have put up such a fuss about a picture.

Am feeling the effects now though. Dizzy, sick, headache, guilt. All present.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh my heeeeaaaaaaad

Poem: Strange To Me

I see your smile and it seems strange to me,

I feel your touch and its a strangers touch,

I feel your breath upon my neck and it brings shivers to my spine.

Who are you?

Who am I?

Is my touch as strange to you? And does it cause you pain,

As it causes pain for me?

I long for the day you run your finger down my skin,

Not causing more or less than a smile.

Just a smile,

With a knowing kiss.