To Bone Or Not To Bone…

Had an interesting last half of the day yesterday. Was working at HAP at the cook and new girl, I’m going to call her WWJD, was working and that was ok with me, she had found my phone the other day and put it in my box and she is very excited that were both starting UAA in the fall AND without me even realising what she was talking about, she went on her break and brought me back some pizza! I was like aww what a sweetheart! Total prude christian girl but as long as she doesn’t push to many morals on me, I can overlook it. Anyway, she is also really really pretty, really exotic looking and great hair and just really pretty. So, really cute football (UK football not US football) guy has come back to work this season and was at the cook (totally did not recognise him at first which was hella embarrassing) and WWJD had mentioned this totally hot guy that was working with us (I came in later to the cook then they did) and how she already really liked him and course it turned out to be football boy. So course we know each other and were bantering back and forth and then he had to go and WWJD was totally jealous! She was like ohhh he kept talking to youuu, I’m never going to get a look-in, hes totally in to youu and you’re sooo pretty, I can’t compete with that! And I’m looking at her like are you fucking crazy?? I look moderately ok at the best of times but I’ve already been up since 6 and been at job1 all day and now I’m here dragging my tired self all over the show, you are stunning and also within his age range! But she wasn’t having it, she was honestly thinking that she couldn’t compete with me. AS IF! So that was kind of jokes. It makes me feel bad for her cause her self esteem must be like rock bottom to think I had one up over her. And then I get home and look at my phone and I have the most random txt from soldier boy ‘so I’ve come to the conclusion that you are one of the most interesting chicks that I know’. Umm ok? ‘Aha whys that?’. ‘your style, the way you act and talk, the way you perceive things. it intrigues me’. By now I’m like, dude is just buttering me up for a shag cause hes back for leave next week. ‘Pfft you just like me cause I talk funny’. ‘Your accent is a turn, I won’t lie. but you’re pretty and have a brain which are 2 big pluses in my book. And you are your own person. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone like you’. ‘Uh Cheers, night’. Yeah, I handled that real smoothly. I dunno, this is a guy who was at first really keen and then interest like died off. Then heard from him randomly again where he was telling me about his recent one night stand. Ooookay, definitely not interested then. And then the other day had another random day of txting where he was saying ‘so am I actually going to get to hang out with you when I’m back’ (aha I was totally all oh yeah you’re home for leave soon baha) and telling me about how when he gets out of the army in October, he’s going to take off for a while and then come back and fish for a season, work a bit and then start school next year. Basically saying yeah I’m not really going to be around at all. I said maybe. Which brings us up to the newest round of randomness.  So I’m confused I suppose. He tells me about girls hes shagged, he tells me hes not going to be around for ages, hes said to me before that he just wants to do his own thing but then he says things like the above and how when he likes a girl all his focus is on her and how he never has girls over to his (oh yeah that was the other thing, he said how he needed to get his own place when he gets back cause taking girls back to his dads place just wouldn’t work) so I’m just like make up your mind! Either you’re a typical young guy who doesn’t want to be tied down and likes to play around or you’re interested in me. Either way I don’t really give a flying shit so give it up. Yeah, I will probably sleep with you cause its been an age and I need to get laid. But do I want anything more? No. So stop trying to tell me things you’ve told girls in the past to get in their thongs. Its not needed and just confuses me. Unless I’m being totally cynical and maybe he really does feel like that. Its just very unlikely. Then look at ex mr chop. He to was a young twentysomething guy who was ‘intrigued’ by me. Which ultimately means a young guy who will go after someone and then realise hey, I don’t actually want anything serious, see ya.

Definitely still jaded then

Rawwwwwr!

Just had little sis roaring at me. Its funny to live with a midget aha.

I thought I would take some time out to focus on the good things going on right now instead of the slightly confusing negative things. Also to rant about work.

Went to the HAP bbq tonight and actually had a good time and met some really cool people, was bullied by luggage crew guys to join the softball team (as a cheerleader as me and sports is not a good combination) and think there is room for the trip to Denali this weekend which is basically all us 21+ people getting a free train ride up to denali, a free night at the hotel, free food and a massive booze up. Am pretty excited!! I totally HATE meeting new people but I’ve had to do sooo much of it in the past year that I’m actually good at it now. I know how to make conversation out of thin air and am generally thought of as quite funny. Bit of a gossip but I’m a girl so I can get away with it. Cute new truck driver guy is going this weekend as well so many many outfits need to be planned. Batman-chick is going and Mrs spears are going so I know that I will have at least two people to hang out with plus all the luggage guys who love me. Its going to be jokes I think. Got training tomorrow and Thursday and then I think I’ll be starting some time next week cause I told Boss lady that now moo isn’t coming for the summer, I can do some evenings during the week as well as AM shift on the weekend.

Soldier boy will be home for leave soon so I know I’ll at least be getting a shag out of that. Oh my god seriously though, its been nearly a year since I’ve been laid and I am literally climbing the walls. No boys, no bullet. I’ve been going out of my mind! Its not even that I haven’t had the opportunity, I’m just not good at the random see ya shag. TV guy was an exception cause we were actually kind of dating and I felt like shit afterwards so it doesn’t really count. The ex ex was a massive mistake of massive proportions (blerghhhhhh makes me feel so sick thinking about that). So yeah, been time since I’ve had a good guilt free shag. And the porn just isn’t cutting it anymore.

Chick will be home soon yaaaaaaay, a whole 4 months of chick-ness! Which of course means parties, drinking, smoking and getting in trouble at work aha. Need to sort out her internship thing!

So yeah. Trying to be friends with ex mr chop was confusing on loads of levels cause I’ve never really dealt with my feelings about him. Sometimes I think I still love him, sometimes I think that I’m totally fine with it and we are just friends. I think though that I really need to take the time to stop being so in love with the past and looking at it through my massive rose tinted glasses, see it for what it was, except it and get over it. Cause I would like to be actual friends one day, we were really good mates before any shit went down, no guy has ever just gotten my banter before and not been afraid to dish it right back (without going to far). And yeah, the sex was the best I’ve ever had. So far though. I keep forgetting that I have soooooo much more to come. And cum hopefully baha.

Optimistic mood tonight. And tired, must sleep.

Oh! Work rants! FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING DEGENERATIVE OLD MAN, I KNOW HOW TO DO MY FUCKING JOB, STOP MAKING IT SO FUCKING COMPLICATED! AND YOU MISS SUPERVISOR CAN TAKE YOUR FINGER OUT YOUR ASS AND STOP TREATING ME LIKE SHIT JUST CAUSE BOSS MAN COMES DOWN ON YOU ONCE IN A WHILE!

Rant over. Peace

Starting Over Again

So the HAP season is nearly over, everyone is nearly gone and I have done two (minor, not complete) shifts at my new job as cashier at the Bear’s Tooth. So far? Kind of not loving it, there’s a lot to learn, a lot to take in, constantly on the move, totally being rushed through training (which I am being a bit of a failure at to be honest) and haven’t really made any sort of connection with anyone. The only people who have really deigned to talk to me are the team leader people cause they have to; they’re the ones training me. I’ve really been trying to be friendly and open to everyone I’ve run in to but so far I’ve just not impressed the beer puller at all, scared off a fellow cashier, pissed off the point person and been ignored by pretty much everyone else there. I think the fact that HAP, which is a job I’ve really loved doing, is over in a few days and then all the people I’ve met and friends I’ve made are going so I’m feeling just a little more fragile than usual and sad that I’m now going to be in a job with none of my people. I just also really don’t know if I can hack it in this one, there aren’t room for a lot of mistakes which just makes me feel really pressured and everyone just expects me to get on with it even though I don’t know what the fuck I am doing. Also been feeling really homesick, miss my moo, miss bournemouth, miss being a student, miss being able to be independent without it being to hard, miss life.

But I’ve made my mistakes and made my decision so got to stick to it I suppose

Drama Queen

I do realise I am a big drama queen but after that massive huge screamed at thing I did literally just want to crawl into a ball and fade away. Instead I thought about what had been said, I really took a good look in to myself and decided to not be angry and sad at the world and instead accept responsibility for myself and although the way it came about was totally unjustified and how I was talked to was inappropriate and some things were not really true, the things I know I have done and the behaviour I know I have committed I decided to apologise for and actually try harder to change. So since that day things have been a lot better and it has been acknowledged that I am actually trying. Which is nice.

Had a really good week at work this week, hung out with Julia-Stiles a lot which makes any work day go a lot faster and weve hung out a lot more after work as well. Its nice to have a real friend over here, she even said today that I’m more than welcome to visit her at school. Had a lot of doc appointments and it actually seems like I’m getting somewhere for a change.

Drag show time!

Feeling More And More Like Myself

I was at work yesterday, my fifth AM shift in a row for this week, it was near the end of my shift and I realised that I’m happy. I really like my job, I really like the people I work with, I really like interacting with all the different guests and I feel like I’m getting me back, getting back that confidence and spark and it feels really really good. I always thought I was really shit at making conversation with people I didn’t know and I always thought that I was so shy when I first met people that I gave off a rather stilted impression but here I am, jumping right in, talking to anyone and everyone, making new friends all the time, finding people to banter with. I haven’t given off a bad first impression, I’ve managed to be this person people like! And it is really satisfying to be working, knowing that I’m making money and having fun doing it. I feel a LOT less stressed and a lot more comfortable with myself and its weird but truly amazing because I thought I was lost. I thought I had lost me forever and I wanted to die. I had given up on myself completely, I was so very tired. Its a really odd thing to start realising you are worth something and that life isn’t that dark and scary and I can do this. I can be a part of the real world and be accepted and not have to be afraid, that I can cope.

Its been a long time since I thought I could cope. And I haven’t even been taking my anti bitching pills for a month and a bit