When you aren’t looking, when you don’t think you even want it, some random guy walks in to your life, throws you a smile and suddenly you’re free falling. I feel like I’m free falling for this guy who I barely even know?? How is that possible? Again?!! I thought that I had learned my lesson, I thought that I knew not to do something like that. I legitimately thought I would never be capable of it. But here I am, can’t stop smiling when I think about him, can’t wait to see him again, can’t wait to get to know him more, can’t wait for that first kiss, can’t wait to reach the point where its all crazy insane, where I can go round to his and cook for him, when his smell is the smell that drives me crazy. We had our second date tonight, only our second date ever, and it was so fucking easy! So easy to talk to him and no awkwardness. Without even thinking about it, my whole body was turned in to his the whole night. And what a gentleman!! Got the tickets which yeah was nice (I got the movie foods) but when he saw me shivering in the theatre (coat and all) he gave me his coat and bundled me up in it!! He has this german shepard puppy who is so adorable anyway but the way he is with her makes him sooooo fucking adorable!! Mum would be proud :D. I dunno, I just know I really really like him. I want to take this slow, I don’t want to fuck this up. This is something that has every potential to be something real. He invited me to his company dinner party in feb. Catered, free booze, dressed up. Ahhhhhh ITS BRIDGET JONES!!! Aha.
This feels slightly unreal…..
I swear, nothing ever ever goes as planned!! I’m starting to think that spontaneous people are only spontaneous because they have had enough life experience to know, you can plan and stress and plan but life has its own ideas of what the fuck it wants to do. I stressed about the date with M, I very very very nearly bailed, I didn’t know all the tiny details and it freaked me out that I was walking in to a situation where I couldn’t predict what was going to happen. In the end I had such a great time, he was so sweet, I had fun and met some really lovely people who I could definitely see spending time with. I was stressed and nervous about the date with T and in the end he bailed and opened my eyes to who he is and so I went out with ESM and met a friend! Someone the same age as me, same interests, same goals. Someone who goes to UAA and wants to go get dinner and hang out! I also lost my debit card, first time ever!! Managed to get it blocked within minutes though so no big deal.
Date with M. Oh my god, I really like him. Like, really really like him and its so shocking because I wasn’t expecting it! I really honestly didn’t think much was going to come from it, I thought that this was just a pseudo date to calm me down before my date with T which I thought was going to lead somewhere?! I’m frustrated with myself though, I don’t think I really left him with the impression that I do really like him and I did have a good time. I think I did? But I feel like this is something I really don’t want to screw up. Its really frightening. I’ve spent so much time shutting myself off and then I spend just a few hours with this one person and its like everything has changed, everything has shifted. What happens if I let this person in to my life and it all gets fucked up again? I’ve literally just started getting back on my feet, I’ve literally only just gotten back to myself, I’m finally starting the next chapter, the step to my future. I don’t want to be happy again only to have it all come shattering down again. But at the same time, I’m lonely. I miss being part of a team, I miss having that person who makes me want to be better. I feel like I am ready to fucking man up and stop being a little bitch and fucking try again! I am ready. Which means I’ve finally let go. Before I kept saying how I felt like I was losing him and it made me sad and scared because I wasn’t ready to lose him. Now I know that its not losing him, its being able to truly let him go and not be sad about it but feel free. I feel like inside I have finally shed the last of my sadness and the last of my love for him. I’ve held on to that love for a really really long time and I thought that it was comforting when really holding on to that love was really keeping me down. B was a really important person in my life and will always be someone that has a piece of me. He just doesn’t and can’t have all of me anymore.
I really hope M phones me
That would be the sound of my head exploding. Waaaaay too much is going on right now and I’m totally freaking out and no-one can understand why I’m freaking out and I just want someone to actually listen to me and let me ramble for a bit and give me hug.
I miss the times of bomo house and zoots and random trips to Brighton. I miss A.Summers and friends and hazy days. People tell me I’m supposed to be really excited about starting uni again and I am. I’m also terrified I’m going to fail for real this time and I’m out of running away options. I’m terrified of the date with M, I’m terrified of the date with T. Really terrified about that one actually. I’m nervous about interviews on monday and uni on tuesday and maybe more dates and running out of money and training for new jobs and leaving the people I’ve been around more than my family for the past year and I miss my best friend. I know that me and moo have tried really hard to not let it be different or change us but of course me being here going through all my shit and her being back home going through all her shit and us not being there through all the shit together, of course it changes things. If I was back home going through all of this I would be able to just sit and rant at her and break down and she’d be there.
I think that right now, I’m living life. For a change. It feels like I’m free-falling without a parachute. I feel like I’m out of breath and I’m literally going to have a heart attack and die.
Tomorrow: Date with M. Saturday: Date with T. Monday: Interview. Tuesday: Uni. Too many things to think about
I am probably one of the worst people when it comes to dealing with change. I hate it, I hate change, I hate deviating from the normal routine and if I don’t have a routine, I’m a misery to be around and if I do have a routine and it changes, I freak. So, knowing this about myself, why do I feel the need to make loads of massive changes all at the same time?? I’m with a steady boyfriend of 4 years, I jump ship to another guy, risk losing an important friend. I decide to take said guy to meet American father, quit my job, go for an internship. I move back home. I move to another country on a whim. I jump from one job to the other until I land a full time position. I’m happily in that full time position, just starting to feel like I really know the job and then quit to start back at uni. No other job on the horizon yet. Seriously freaking out cause really don’t have much money and apparently to do well at university, one must spend about $500 on books. Change, change, change. I guess deep down I get really bored and feel the need to spice things up. A lot.
Also, guys. I swear to god, every time chick comes home she completely helps turn my shit upside down (love her for it). For one, I actually genuinely think I’ve reached the other side with ex mr chop. I honestly can say that thinking about him doesn’t make me feel sad or in love anymore. I don’t think I love him anymore. Instead of that warm feeling I would get thinking about him, now I just feel kind of…disinterested. I also feel like a bit of an idiot for how I carried on and on about missing him blah blah.
There is this guy. Bit of a history with him, met him last year, was supposed to go on this great date but I harshly bailed and then he had to go back to where he was based and he only just got back like a year later. I like him. I like him in the way that I have a little bit of butterfly action in my belly. I like him in the way that he is the first person since ex mr chop that I actually really want to sleep with. I can’t wait to hang out with him on saturday and go on a real date with him. I’m also scared. I might be coming out the other side of ex mr chop but I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with the bullshit that comes along with being with someone. That’s even if we get on or whatever.
Really, I just need to focus on school and work and making something of myself. I need to put me first from now on.
A shag would be nice though!