Oh, What’s In A Name?

Exclusive but without labels. So….isn’t that a label? I’m actually fine to not be all ohhhh lets be boyfriend/girlfriend, it takes a lot of pressure off. Still, mexican man and myself, since last night, decided to be exclusive to each other. Which is nice. I’m actually really happy, I really like him, I really like being around him, I really like being naked with him (literally has the most beautiful penis I’ve ever seen, especially since it decided to start behaving. After the luck I’ve had with American todgers, I feel like this is a gift sent from on high). I can’t wait to get him in bed while everyone is away and ruin him :D.

So obviously had to let go of duff. I like him but not in the same way as mexican man. We just aren’t on the same wave length at all and to be honest, me and mexican man have a really similar schedule and when we get busy with work and shiz, we both totally understand whereas I feel like I keep letting duff down cause he wants to hang out and do all these things but I just honestly don’t have the time. And he does not have a beautiful willy like mexican man. Who I might just start referring to as faux-bf.

Faux-bf. I really like him. He makes me feel all tiny and cute and sexy at the same time. He makes me smile and hes so fucking considerate and holy shit, I am so fucking horny for him!! I’m actually happy. Like, really honest to God happy. I only have a few concerns and I think that was inevitable, look at my history with guys! I feel safe with faux-bf cause I don’t believe that he would ever hurt me or fuck me over. Except that is exactly what I thought with ex mr chop and look what happened there! Maybe feeling safe isn’t a good thing. I’m worried I could maybe possibly potentially fall for this guy and while I do really like him, I really don’t want to have my happiness depend on a guy ever again, I don’t want to feel jealous, I don’t want to miss him and be sad, I don’t want to start being all psycho girl. Possibly being aware of these things I don’t want might mean that I won’t let it happen?

It feels weird to have actually let go of ex mr chop. I spent sooo much time being sad about him and hanging on to the thought of what we were and now we are actually being able to be friends and not get all snarky and emotional at each other. There will always be a part of me that he will have. He was the most sincere love I’ve ever experienced, even if he didn’t feel the same way, he is not someone I will ever forget. But it doesn’t hurt anymore, it doesn’t feel awful to think about him or have him pop up every so often. I’m excited and glad to have my friend back! It makes me happy that I can give this thing with mexican man a real chance and not be all hung up on ex mr chop. I still think that there is a part of me that is still closed off and it’s going to take a lot to unfreeze that little last bit of hurt, but at least now I think that its do-able.

Yay 🙂



Just had little sis roaring at me. Its funny to live with a midget aha.

I thought I would take some time out to focus on the good things going on right now instead of the slightly confusing negative things. Also to rant about work.

Went to the HAP bbq tonight and actually had a good time and met some really cool people, was bullied by luggage crew guys to join the softball team (as a cheerleader as me and sports is not a good combination) and think there is room for the trip to Denali this weekend which is basically all us 21+ people getting a free train ride up to denali, a free night at the hotel, free food and a massive booze up. Am pretty excited!! I totally HATE meeting new people but I’ve had to do sooo much of it in the past year that I’m actually good at it now. I know how to make conversation out of thin air and am generally thought of as quite funny. Bit of a gossip but I’m a girl so I can get away with it. Cute new truck driver guy is going this weekend as well so many many outfits need to be planned. Batman-chick is going and Mrs spears are going so I know that I will have at least two people to hang out with plus all the luggage guys who love me. Its going to be jokes I think. Got training tomorrow and Thursday and then I think I’ll be starting some time next week cause I told Boss lady that now moo isn’t coming for the summer, I can do some evenings during the week as well as AM shift on the weekend.

Soldier boy will be home for leave soon so I know I’ll at least be getting a shag out of that. Oh my god seriously though, its been nearly a year since I’ve been laid and I am literally climbing the walls. No boys, no bullet. I’ve been going out of my mind! Its not even that I haven’t had the opportunity, I’m just not good at the random see ya shag. TV guy was an exception cause we were actually kind of dating and I felt like shit afterwards so it doesn’t really count. The ex ex was a massive mistake of massive proportions (blerghhhhhh makes me feel so sick thinking about that). So yeah, been time since I’ve had a good guilt free shag. And the porn just isn’t cutting it anymore.

Chick will be home soon yaaaaaaay, a whole 4 months of chick-ness! Which of course means parties, drinking, smoking and getting in trouble at work aha. Need to sort out her internship thing!

So yeah. Trying to be friends with ex mr chop was confusing on loads of levels cause I’ve never really dealt with my feelings about him. Sometimes I think I still love him, sometimes I think that I’m totally fine with it and we are just friends. I think though that I really need to take the time to stop being so in love with the past and looking at it through my massive rose tinted glasses, see it for what it was, except it and get over it. Cause I would like to be actual friends one day, we were really good mates before any shit went down, no guy has ever just gotten my banter before and not been afraid to dish it right back (without going to far). And yeah, the sex was the best I’ve ever had. So far though. I keep forgetting that I have soooooo much more to come. And cum hopefully baha.

Optimistic mood tonight. And tired, must sleep.


Rant over. Peace