After the whole ex mr chop thing I decided enough is bloody enough, I can’t take anymore being sad about him, not being able to have sex or even do umm myself without thinking about him and getting sad. I actually cry after orgasm, its fucking pathetic and its now going to stop! So now I have to suck it up and do it. There are two guys right now who want to take me on a date. Two. Both of them are really attractive and we’ve been texting and bachelor1 keeps sending me music links he thinks I would like and bachelor2 is realllllyyyyy attractive and from NY which is like my favourite place ever and came straight out with asking me to get a drink of some kind. And what is my reaction? Sheer terror. Terror! I want to say yes and make a date but I am so fucking scared I am actually trying to hide in myself.
FUCK IT I’M GOING TO GO FOR IT AND MEET BACHELOR2. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FAIL! You wanted me to block you and I did and then I thought Ok, so now he thinks I’ve blocked him, its been a few days, I’ll unblock him and see if he blocks me. Cause if he does it means he is STILL checking my profile and then both me and him will know that he is STILL thinking about me and that his ignoring me will be a massive fail. And what do you know? All of a sudden I’m blocked. So massive fail ex mr chop cause now you know that I know that you were STILL trying to check up on me even though you were blocked.
And now hes going to have to be the one to keep me blocked instead of me knowing that one click and he would be unblocked. Which is a weight off of my shoulders to be honest. Even so. I can’t believe the fucker blocked me!
Men are such wankers. Fact.
And then all this shit going down with soldier boy this weekend. On Friday he tells me about this new pair of silk boxers hes so proud of, Friday night tries to send me a pic of him in them (my phone won’t accept pics), Saturday morning (2am) txts me asking if I saw the pic (I hadn’t and also threatened his ballsack if he txts me at 2am again, Saturday ALL BLOODY DAY asks how he can send me a pic and then spends the rest of the day asking if I’ve seen the pic, have I checked my inbox, on and on and on. I get home (very weary and just want to go to bed), have a quick look at my fb inbox and he’s sent not one or two pics but FIVE?! I didn’t even know what to say so kind of ignored the situation till much later the next day, made some lame joke about it and now were not really talking. I think I offended him by not being overly grateful for the pics. And yeah they were hot actually but it was just so random and…kind of try hard but not in the right way. I even said to him, if you want to try and get in my pants that’s fine but I am not one of those girls, I do not sleep around so if he wants any hes going to have to work hard for it. I said this cause its true and cause I fully expected him to be like ok buh bye then and instead he was all aha why would I want it easy. To which I said that easy seems to be what he likes. Which I think hurt his feelings.
I think he wanted me to block him. I’m not sure. I’m not sure why he didn’t just do it himself. I thought we had come so far from that stage. I thought finally he was going to let me in. I thought a lot of things I guess. I didn’t want to block him. Cutting him out of my life like that is excruciating but I think its what he wanted. I hope he realises its not what I wanted. At all in fact. I hope he finds a way around it, I hope he emails me or something. I miss him already. I just want to talk to him but he doesn’t want to talk to me and has made that perfectly clear.
Perfectly perfectly clear
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah am feeling totally depressed right now, stupid beach break stuff all over my facebook! All I want to be doing right now is riding up on a coach with my moo, all excited about the monday warm up, planning who we want to see, discussing the best way to keep me away from tent putting-up stress and scoping out fit festy boys. It makes me very very sad that instead I am sat at my desk at work in another sodding country.
However, it makes me very happy to know that tonight, after work at job2, I am going to spend my evening drinking, getting high, being out and basically forgetting my name.
Which is kind of like being at a festy, right?
If its no its no and if its yes its yes. You don’t want to be ignored and yet will ignore me, how fair is that?
Just remember, you started this
So, nearly 2 years after he walked out I finally got my wish of him admitting that it was the worst mistake of his life, that he has never stopped thinking about me and that I was right. About everything. I thought knowing this would make me happy. I thought that after he said this, everything else would fall in to place and work out and we would be happy again.
Its a bit crushing to realise that it changes nothing except now I feel more lonely than before because now I know, if I hadn’t stayed out here, I would be there and we would be in the same place. I didn’t need to regret another part of my life and now I do.
My fantasy would be him moving heaven and earth to be with me. I would do it for him but after everything that’s happened, after his massive cock-up, after me sorting so much of myself out, he needs to be the one to put it back together. I would have him make the grand gesture and fly out without telling me, turning up, sweeping me off my feet. We would make the long distance thing work for a bit until he could come over here. We would rebuild us in to something better, stronger. I honestly feel like, if he is actually going through the same stuff as me, is having to work as hard to forget me as I’ve been trying to forget him, if he loves me like I love him, we could make this work. It would take time and effort and it would be hard. But it would also be wonderful. Then I have to remind myself, this fantasy is going to end just as bitterly as when I was convinced he would turn up to the airport when I flew home.
This win does not feel like a win at all
I have decided I am the most lowly and pathetic creature alive. I mean seriously, the guy could not have been clearer, I MISS YOU AS A FRIEND KATE. Word for word what he said to me. But then the highlight of my day is getting the most insignificant email from him, sitting here with a beady eye on my hotmail waiting for a glorious message of ‘ex mr chop has sent you a message on facebook’. As soon as that pops up in my inbox I suddenly become all smiles and excitement, over a message as simple as ‘hey whats up’. I try to interpret whatever he says to me to become more than it actually is, ‘any plans for the summer?’. No, why, would you come over, is that what you’re asking, are you asking if I’m coming back, would you care if I did, would you want to meet up, would something happen with us. And so on and so on. Seriously, if I was the friend of me, I would give me a massive smack upside the head.
Its not as if I haven’t been trying to stay away from this situation. I deleted him for bejeebus sakes! I make sure I don’t message him. I made sure I couldn’t stalk him! I’ve been talking to other boys so I’m not thinking about him! But then he sends me a simple email and it all comes crashing down around my ears AGAIN.
Part of me wants to say to him, don’t get in touch with me like I asked you before. The other part wants to say, stay in my life and don’t ever leave ok?
I hate being a girl sometimes
This is why I moved away. This is why I want to be the best that I can be. This is why I’m going through all this international transcripts crap and paying millions of dollars. This is my one day goal. New York is my goal. This is what I want.