Been a long ass time coming really


Imma Busy Bee

New full time job as a manager type person (bahahahahahahaha I know, manager) at a salon/beauty supplies/tanning place in the 5th av mall which is perfectly fine with me seeing as the 5th av mall is my most favorite place to be. Last few days at the tooth and I’m kind of sad to go cause have made some friends there and its easy and the tips are nice but also am so over and done with that place! Never really fitted in I suppose and I am so tired of being a total menial slave laborer type.

Have been doing my driving school stuff and my instructor yesterday said (without prompting) that he could see no problem with me taking the test on thursday and that I am definitely on the right track. So by friday I could be a fully licensed driver! Scary times.

Pain has been ok these past few days, actually been sleeping which I think helps a lot. Been sleeping a lot actually, its like I’m trying to make up for the sleep I’ve missed.

Nearly got eaten by moose yesterday on my way to work. Was at the bus stop looking down the road for the bus when in the distance I saw something sort of jogging up the pavement and thought ‘oh shit’ and then these two massive moose came in to view and I’m standing there thinking ‘what do I do, what do I do, are moose dangerous, am I going to be eaten, should I make a run for it’, and then the moose are pretty much right next to me so I run across the road standing in a massive pile of snow and then my freaking bus started down the road so I had to run back and jump on before the moose noticed I was there. The bus driver was totally laughing at me, when I got on he was all like ‘oh were they giving you a bit of trouble’. Wanker. Aha.


Where Do I Go From Here?

The pain is constant and untraceable. Dad doesn’t believe that its real and then gets angry when I don’t tell him about it. He thinks I’m making it up to a point, that its not that bad and partially in my head. I don’t know what to do with that, I don’t know how to make him understand how tired I am, how worried I am, how pissed off I am! Pissed off that this was supposed to be my big move and my big chance to change and for things to be better and instead I am so tired and hurt and unmotivated to get my new life really going because all I can do is think about the pain. Without pain meds I can barely move, I can barely breathe, my vision goes black and the only release I have is to cry and scream in silence. Dad says it can’t be that bad because he doesn’t see me in that much pain. He then says all I do is hide in my room. Somehow, he doesn’t make the connection that he hardly sees me in pain because I deal with the worst of it in my room and my room is the one place that I can be somewhat comfortable because I can lay down with a heat pad and cry and let the pain show. He goes on and on about needing to work more, work more jobs, push myself more. He doesn’t understand that I am already pushing myself, working so hard to push through the pain and not let it stop me from working. He doesn’t see me at work needing to take a break just to lay down or trying to hide the pain and tears from customers and managers. Yeah I understand, the CT showed nothing, the bloods said no Cushings, the Lyrica seems to be ineffective, there is no known medical reason for the pain. I understand that. But WHY would I be faking this bullshit? WHY would I be trying to make it seem worse? If I’m lying then I am pretty freaking consistent to the point of being a sociopath because its the same shit all the time. I wish he would consider that.

Another job interview today for full time hours I think. I so can’t be bothered I’m not even slightly nervous, just kind of slightly annoyed that I have to go. Its not that I don’t want a job or full time hours, I am just so tired of crappy jobs that have no relevance to a career, I just feel like I’m putting in a lot of effort for something meaningless.

Time to get a move on