I don’t know what it is, but apparently, for some, there is something about me which makes the rules irrelevant and desire the only thing that matters. It’s sort of strange cause I don’t really get it, and it’s not like it works on the fucking people I want it to, but now two important people in my life have said it and then gone on to do things they wouldn’t with anyone else. I guess it only actually works on guys already in relationships though which is prob why I don’t have a significant other of my own. I just don’t get it. It’s like, and has been said, that with me it doesn’t count. I don’t count? Does it not count when it’s with someone you truly care about? Cause I’ve always been of the mind that it counts more when there are feelings involved. Does it not count when it’s with someone you’ve been with before? Do I just represent the freedom they long for and therefore it’s nothing to do with me per say at all. The ex ex said he likes to play with fire, so maybe being with me every so often actually strengthens his own relationship cause he’s gotten it out of his system. I know why with farmer boi, he’s wanted me for the past 10 or so years and with me being based in the US now, I think to him it was about the opportune moment. It really makes me wonder what these guys are missing from their lives that they seek solace in me? Is it things like this which make me hold back from a being in a relationship myself. Is everything doomed to end, does monogamy really work, is cheating inevitable, are breakups inevitable, does the loss of single freedoms ever get balanced or over-ruled by the stability of being with someone? Why bother when it’s just all going to end in tears. Are we all doomed to love the wrong person? All I wanted was ex mr chop and instead….yeah. All I still want is ex mr chop. I wish this ‘something’ bloody worked on him!!
I have a feeling that this trip home has succeeded in making me much more jaded than I was before
I have been working my arse off all freaking day to get all this shit done for monday and my two finals. I actually got a lot done, documentary, research paper, the presentation which is my second final. I need to do two journal response entries but I think I’m just going to do the one and call it a day. Girl needs her sleep! Egh, this week is going to be soooo long!!
So was hanging out with chick and doogy last night when he lets slip that he got ‘the full extended version of why you and ex mexican man broke up, why he broke up with you’ and gives me this look as if to say yeah, I know allll about you. So I was like well what does that mean and he wouldn’t say which is fair enough, bro code, but then the kept going on about how it was mexican man’s first ‘serious, well not serious but first ever relationship’, which is mexican man’s words verbatim. The ‘serious’ thing hurt cause yeah I get it, he wasn’t really in to it but I genuinely cared about him and I think deep down I really did need someone who understood the whole baby thing cause it happened to him as well. I’m kind of mad that he went out of his way to talk shit about me (and knowing guys and knowing that our last few fights were about his lack of time and attention, I’m sure I got painted as the crazy clingy lady even though I barely called, texted, never facebooked him and we would hang out once a week if that). I haven’t been the crazy stalker ex, I haven’t tried to get back with him, I’ve respected what he wanted and left him the fuck alone. I didn’t let on to his family about the pregz, I didn’t go around telling people (and I swear, if that is what doogy meant, I am going to fucking kill mexican man. After telling his family. Especially as my family found out and know, why should I be the only one?). I haven’t talked a mean game about him to anyone, if I’ve ever vented its been on here where no one knows me or him. Its just not fucking fair, I’ve worked hard to not have a reputation over here and I will be damned if he fucks it up. Bastard.
Home in 6 days, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I can’t help but compare what I’ve had before with what I have now. I know its not fair because this is a totally different situation with a totally different guy. I think I’m unfixable. I’m so confused.
I take that back, I am way fucking confused
FAIL! You wanted me to block you and I did and then I thought Ok, so now he thinks I’ve blocked him, its been a few days, I’ll unblock him and see if he blocks me. Cause if he does it means he is STILL checking my profile and then both me and him will know that he is STILL thinking about me and that his ignoring me will be a massive fail. And what do you know? All of a sudden I’m blocked. So massive fail ex mr chop cause now you know that I know that you were STILL trying to check up on me even though you were blocked.
And now hes going to have to be the one to keep me blocked instead of me knowing that one click and he would be unblocked. Which is a weight off of my shoulders to be honest. Even so. I can’t believe the fucker blocked me!
Men are such wankers. Fact.
And then all this shit going down with soldier boy this weekend. On Friday he tells me about this new pair of silk boxers hes so proud of, Friday night tries to send me a pic of him in them (my phone won’t accept pics), Saturday morning (2am) txts me asking if I saw the pic (I hadn’t and also threatened his ballsack if he txts me at 2am again, Saturday ALL BLOODY DAY asks how he can send me a pic and then spends the rest of the day asking if I’ve seen the pic, have I checked my inbox, on and on and on. I get home (very weary and just want to go to bed), have a quick look at my fb inbox and he’s sent not one or two pics but FIVE?! I didn’t even know what to say so kind of ignored the situation till much later the next day, made some lame joke about it and now were not really talking. I think I offended him by not being overly grateful for the pics. And yeah they were hot actually but it was just so random and…kind of try hard but not in the right way. I even said to him, if you want to try and get in my pants that’s fine but I am not one of those girls, I do not sleep around so if he wants any hes going to have to work hard for it. I said this cause its true and cause I fully expected him to be like ok buh bye then and instead he was all aha why would I want it easy. To which I said that easy seems to be what he likes. Which I think hurt his feelings.
I don’t know if its him I miss or just the familiarity of him or if talking to him makes me think of back home which makes me think of things I’m missing and then people I’m missing so by the end of a brief exchange with him, my head is completely fucked up. Cause I think may be I do miss him. But then I think well actually I don’t, he was a massive dick to me who ruined my life and became the catalyst for me moving away from everything and everyone I love and the worst part of all, made me fuck up things with ex mr chop. Good, now I’m angry. Who the fuck does he think he is, still trying to be a part of my life, still using me as a way to stave of boredom of a relationship doomed to fail. Doomed to fail cause hes a massive tart and a cheat and a user.
And ex mr chop is a penis.
I don’t know if I will ever truly forget the ex ex. I don’t know if I will actually ever be able to fully let go of him, he was too big a part of me for so long and to be truthful he has helped heal a large part of me. I will physically let go and move on because I can’t be around him while he is with her anymore but its going to be (already is) very hard. He’s become my friend who I care very much about and although he might not feel the same about me thats ok; I care about people whether they like it or not, whether they deserve it or not cause thats just who I am. If things were different in respect to the girlfriend then yes they would be different all round; I don’t mean being in a relationship but being able to hang out without the guilt and occasionally on a flat surface would be nice.
I don’t know if I will ever 100% get over what ex mr chop did (the effects run deep) and I don’t know how long it will be until he is completely out of my system; until I completely stop missing him or what we had. It still stings but it doesn’t consume me anymore; it still makes me a bit sad but its hard to be sad and miss someone who has completely changed and who isn’t there anymore. I know it has now been a decent amount of time but it took me a year to get over doo-ron and he meant no where near as much to me so I’m not going to worry about that.
Its weird with the ex ex cause I feel like we were over a long time before we actually broke up (he might argue this but then he has to think of the monumental arguments, the lack of sex, the lack of communication, the not liking him going out cause of the lack of trust which WAS earned, the money strain which I’m still paying for by myself by the way), but then I don’t think I actually gave myself enough time to mourn the relationship hence why I still thought about him and had that little episode of texting after the skate gig thing.
I think America will be good for me; time off boys, away from situations that aren’t good for me (that I admittedly do tend to put myself in) and time to just focus on me for a while, see if I can’t sort myself out a bit
The last little obsession of mine is the myspace page, still there, still unchanged and still a source of….comfort? I don’t know, all I know is I wish I could stop looking but I can’t so I just wish it would be changed but its myspace, no one even goes on there anymore so its like a forgotten piece of my life thats just suspended in the web-sphere.
I just love looking at the picture more than anything, it makes me feel like it wasn’t all a dream.
Been looking in to Camp America through Camp America and through BUNAC, looks more promising through BUNAC. Also heard back from the Fashion and PR placement in Australia, sounds really hopeful and there is a placement I can do, just need to decide and send in my application papers. Although through BUNAC I could do placement in New York and would be able to be paid cause of my social security number.
Decisions decisions on how to spend my summer!
Drove my chevy to the levy….
God I just so need to go to a dirty loud random heavy sweaty gig. If I’m not getting any loving then I need some other way to get rid of this energy; I just so wish there was something going on in Southampton. Yeah there was Enter Shikari last night but common dreads is shit and was never going to be massively enjoyable. PLUS there is just NOONE around anymore that enjoys a nice heavy gig; if its not the top 20 chart hits, nights out at shite clubs (Bliss, Lava, Toko etc), then its not worth knowing!! Karnivool isn’t until march, Hadouken are playing firestation but after seeing them at beach break last year and seeing what twatish dickheads they are I don’t think I can be bothered and I don’t recognise anyone else playing at joiners!! Skindred are playing the wedge in portsmouth march 9th so will def be going to that even if it is by myself!! But in the mean time, I just NEED something now! Soonish! In the next few days! Ahhhhhhh!
I wish I didn’t. This is why its so hard for me every time ex mr chopper gets in touch. To get over my feelings for him, to get over everything and just let it all go, I’ve had to take all those emotions and just shove them deep deep down and lock them up in this mental box. Probably not the healthiest way to get over it but thats what I did. So every time, every random three month message that all of a sudden gets sent to me is like this massive hammer that smashes open my box and I have to work so hard to get it closed again. And when this box gets opened, all those hurt feelings and sadness are the first things to come out because they were the first things to go in the box and are still so very unresolved. If that makes any sense.
It takes time to re-close this box and put everything in order again. I’ll do it, I’ve managed to every other time. It just sucks to have to go through it again and feel all those stupid fucking painful heartbreaking unreturned feelings AGAIN.
Time is making the box shrink, a very little bit at a time but it is shrinking. I’m waiting for the day it finally shrinks out of existence cause that will mean I’ve finally moved on.
Its like he died. This fucking process is taking me so long because its like he died and I’ve been grieving. One minute he was there and then the next he wasn’t and I haven’t seen him or spoken to him since the day he walked out and its like he died. He was my best friend and its like he died
For the sake of my health, sanity, heart and karma I am walking away from the ex ex situation and ended the insanely fast paced TV guy situation.
After having a good chat with TV guy I went to his last night with an open mind, willing to give this one last chance. He’s a nice enough guy but there just isn’t anything there for me. He doesn’t banter, he doesn’t really make me laugh, I don’t feel that need to be affectionate or physical with him, he doesn’t understand me to be honest. And I don’t understand him. There is something about him that sort of worries me as well and his view on women is a bit appalling. I understand that guys will be guys and chat shit about girls ‘oh shes fit oh I would’ blah blah but its constant with him and constant in front of me. You don’t do that when you’re with someone that you’re trying to develop something with cause its a bit rude really. I told him and dropped many many hints that I DON’T want anything serious, that this ISN’T anything serious so when his housemate called me his girlfriend and Tv guy didn’t correct him or even look concerned I knew that he’d been telling people that I was his girlfriend and my heart stopped and I panicked and just wanted to leave the house but I couldn’t get hold of moo cause my phone was being shit, then hers ran out of battery and by the time her message of I’ll come rescue you came through it was to late and I somehow ended up being committed to staying at TV guy’s place. I literally changed in to my pajamas and went straight to sleep and then the minute my alarm went off (at 7.30am) I was straight up, got dressed and even though moo was going to come pick me up (to go to uni), even though it was freezing, even though I could have waited downstairs, I started walking to meet her. I just couldn’t be in that house any longer. So The frigging End.
I feel a bit sorry for any new guys that come in to my life, I keep comparing them to ex mr chopper because before him I had never found that instant banter before and someone who completely understood my sense of humour from the first moment. And that is something I really cherished and loved and is now apparently a requirement for any guy in my life. I guess it might be a bit unfair but that banter has become something really important to me and the thing that I’ve missed the most with him.
I have to admit, got a bit fucked last night and stupidly stupidly texted ex mr chopper (have now re-deleted his number so I won’t do it again), asking him to please take back the ‘I hope your life remains always shit’ comment. I am having such a hard time understanding exactly what I’ve done to hurt him so much that he would hate me enough to say that. I just don’t understand this change in him, moo and I were talking about it and she’s like me, she just doesn’t understand how he went from this amazing fun person to this horrible horrible guy.
And after everything, after that comment, after the whole ‘your life is shitty’, I still just want to understand. I still just want to have an actual conversation and get everything out there and just move on from it all. Its been months now and I still just wish I could stop letting him affect me so much. I just wish he could feel what I feel so that he could understand as well. But this is another thing I’m just letting go now, as much as I use to wish things could be different they never will. Someone who was actually worth my time and thoughts would never have said what he did. And I’m finished with it