I am just so alone. I have my friends, an actual real group of friends and I see my friends every day, I have my uni stuff, I have my job stuff and I am completely alone. I am so lonely. The guy I was starting to get interested in who made it seem like he was interested in me, fucks someone while I’m in the apartment. Awesome. The guy I’m not interested in at all is of course interested in me. The ex mexican will wave and look happy to see my friends who he doesn’t even know and even though I am right there with them, will completely ignore my existence. Not even just ignore, looks right through. The ex mr chop who I will probably always be in love with has decided that I’m not worth talking to anymore even though he was the one to go full disclosure on his feelings. I can’t flirt, I can’t let myself be actually interested in anyone else. I have lost any faith in myself that I am lovable and will be deliriously happy again one day. I am going through the motions. I’m just pretty down right now and I am going to blame a part of that on the fact I am on my period and the house being so quiet cause the family are away (which a month ago was going to be fun and ex mexican was going to come round and spend time with me and instead I am in this empty empty house). I miss being cuddled and hugs and sex and laughing and inside jokes and someone I felt was there.
Moo phoned me and her dad died this morning. His heart just stopped and he died. I hate that I’m not home for her or her mum. This is a family that treated me like their own and who still would catch up with me here and send me cards and tell me how proud they were of me. I wasn’t just Kathryn to Daddy G, I was Katarina. I am sad, I am devastated for moo though, they were all so close and she was so close to him. I wish I could hug her right now. I sort of don’t know what to do, I sent a card, I’ll send a real one today, I just wanted something that will get there in a few days not weeks. Poor moo, my heart breaks for her today
Finally finally got my stuff back from ex mexican man after another plea for it. Of course mr no balls saw I was in and still dumped it on the porch instead of knocking on the door and engaging in a 30 second conversation which would have gone along the lines of ‘hey, thanks, bye’. Whatever, its all squared away with now and I can go back to having no reason to talk to him again. Ever. Its just so confusing to me, he can be friends with all his exes, he can be friends with the ex who apparently really cut him up but he can’t be friends with me? Or even a semi-decent human being? I’ve managed it, I haven’t been mean or spiteful, I haven’t stalked him, I haven’t tried to get him to get back with me. If I have engaged in conversation I’ve always been really nice and cordial, so what gives? Fucking boys.
I have been extended an invitation to homecoming! Have been getting along with this guy, goes to UAA, 26, seems very nice. Had an impromptu coffee/lunch date yesterday which is where the whole homecoming thing came up. This will be my first American college dance thing so I’m definitely looking forward to it. I don’t think much is really going to happen with this guy, he is def on the rebound and I am kind of preoccupied with going home at christmas as well as actually wanting a relationship. I know its a lot to ask but I would really like to be with someone who wants to be with me. That’s it, that is the only real requirement. I don’t care about careers or cars or money or looks or any of that shit. I just want to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I want someone who wants to hang out, who wants to talk and cuddle and do things together. Who will miss me and love me and hold my hand without me feeling like I’m making them.
Sometimes I think I’m asking too much which is sad because all I’m asking for is the standard bare minimum that anyone should give or get
I am partly responsible for the demise of both ex mr chop and ex mexican man. I have this super amazing special ability where I think I can ‘predict’ all the things that are going to go wrong and then I worry about them and bring them up, point them out and before you know it, the problems exist and ruin everything. So what came first, the neurotic girl or the problem? Did the problem actually exist hence my worry or did my worry make the problem exist? I do this a lot I think, not just with my relationships but with school and work and friendships and future events. I feel like I definitely pushed away B and E by doing this, I think it makes it seem like I don’t trust them, us, the relationship and also maybe like I’m trying to push them away. I’m really not, I just need to feel some sort of control over my life, I hate not knowing what could happen, I want to preempt the bad so I can prepare for it and hopefully avoid it. Except most of the time I am the only one who sees this ‘bad’ and once seen, it cannot usually be unseen and this is where it falls apart.
For future reference I need to avoid making mountains out of molehills and just let it be. I just hope that next time I can heed my own words for a change