Recognition

Not to sure whats going on at work. Yeah, I’m not perfect, I don’t know all the menus off by heart, sometimes I mess up on checking to go orders, sometimes it takes a few seconds to find the right button on the computer but these are small things EVERYONE does. I don’t make huge mistakes, I don’t cause huge mistakes, there haven’t been grievous customer complaints, I haven’t dropped and ruined an order, I’m pleasant and nice to everyone, I’ve calmed down during the rush time. So why am I made to feel like this massive fuck up that should be fired all the time? I honestly feel like the managers regret hiring me and generally I have an idea why but I’m really clueless. People I work with like me, the work I do is appreciated by them, customers tend to like me and I work hard so whats the problem? I feel like I’ve managed to really offend someone and I don’t know how when or why. At HAP I was told all the time how well I was doing, how fast I picked up the job and how appreciated my work was. So whats going on now??

Have managed to get over the mr btb crush. I dunno, the more I found out about him the more I realised that we just wouldn’t be compatible and I’m over silly little flings; I just don’t have the energy or motivation for them. If I do start something then it has to be something worth my time.

Erghhhh, company halloween party tomorrow night, kind of dreading it a bit!

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Doppleganger

There is this guy at work, lets name him bear tooth babe or mr btb for short, who had already tried with me, already gave me his number, already asked me to hang out to which I gave the most unrealistic and crap excuse to doing. I said no because I didn’t want another hobbit situation and I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself. I didn’t want the first time we hung out to be a foggy memory. But now I can’t stop wishing he would try again and I’m pretty sure that hes still interested, hes always watching me and he keeps calling me pretty and cute and there is definitely something there. He makes me laugh as well, I really like the sound of his voice! Yesterday we had the most random conversation about what type of animal we’d be and then it moved on to actual stuff like where we grew up and I even told him about the guy in junior school with the flag episode. I like him. And it scares the shit out of me cause I see so much of what I liked about ex mr chop in mr btb and I just can’t get messed around by that type of guy again. I worry that I only like mr btb because he reminds me of ex mr chop. I worry that I could really really like him and because (I’m pretty damn sure that he is) he is a man child I am just going to end up hurt again; being promised always when really he means for just a bit. I worry that hes just a massive stoner and I don’t want that, thats not me. And then I also worry that I’ve missed my chance anyway and I’m worrying about all these other things for no reason.

God, he even moves like ex mr chop. I worry about that!

Fuck You

Fucking liar, liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar, years ahead, what a fucking fucking cruel fucking joke. Take it off, take off now, take it off a year ago. Don’t still be having those lies up for everyone to see still, don’t keep reading them yourself still. Fucking hell, take it down, delete it, do whatever just don’t be such a fucking hypocrite keeping that goddamn shit. Why, why even still have it up there, what is the fucking point you asshole.

Take it down, take it down, take it down, take it down

Frustration

Why am I still not fixed? I keep meeting these guys who I like and could have fun with and instead of doing that I’m avoiding them and sticking my head in the sand and acting like a complete twat. No one at work knows the real me, the guy at work who is really cute and seems really nice only knows this giggly fake side of me, the same side that the hobbit knew and I just can’t seem to get past it! I am so reluctant to show anyone the real me cause the real me managed to run off the love of my life. The real me is a fuck up and broken and devoid of anything good. The real me is sick and tired so much of the time. The real me is bored with guys who act like children. I worked with someone new yesterday and she asked if I had a boyfriend over here and my automatic response was a loud and resounding Hell No. See? I am becoming my worst fear and not getting over the hurt of ex mr chop. I need to get over the hurt. I need to trust again, I need to get out there.

And that just sounds like the scariest crappiest idea ever