Consumed By Thoughts Of You

You told me that we had to be blocked from each other cause otherwise we would just keep messaging each other etc. You held strong for a while so why all of a sudden unblock me? Why make it obvious you have a girlfriend (so much for still thinking about me and not having a girlfriend since me etcbullshitetc) and then the same day, get rid of the evidence again? I’m probably reading waaay too much in to this to be honest. Maybe it means that he’s over it now and over me and having me blocked was pointless cause having me unblocked doesn’t make a difference to him. What ever the case may be, the second I realised he had made us visible to each other again, I blocked him.

I’m actually proud of myself. Usually I will block him for about a day and then unblock him and then the whole thing starts again, I do slight stalkage and then he will send a little message and then we get talking and then we end up in a bad place again. I guess either I’m growing up or I’m for a change putting my money where my mouth is and trying to move on. Its kind of sad that I can’t have him in my life at all, not even a small tiny part because it is way too painful and just makes me still hold on to the hope that maybe, somehow, some day, we will make it back to each other. It is this hope that keeps my feelings for him going and this hope that kills a part of me so I guess that this is what I’m now actively trying to get rid of.  I seriously do not want to let this go though and this is where the problems all stem from. Its harder to let go of something that you just want to cling tightly to. But loving a man who doesn’t love me back is not the life I want for myself. I don’t want to be like my mum and dad, I want to move on and be happy and to look back one day and think yeah, we had good and bad times and that’s all there is to it.

It is honestly taking every piece of will power I have to not unblock him. My insides are hurting, my heart is aching, my head is heavy but I am still holding strong.

I just want to talk to you

Another Step Forward

Got an official letter from the University of Alaska Anchorage offering me a place on the BA Justice degree starting spring term 2012 (January 17th). So here it is, the whole big life changing plan of getting back in to law, getting an undergrad in pre-law and law school after has begun. I will graduate this pre-law program in 2015 and then move to Seattle and do law school. So by the time I finish that and get hired, I’ll be making decent money at about 33. So give it 10 years and I’ll be a real grown up.

Only 10 years aha. Bad jokes. But at least getting back on track with life.

Yay me

Wish I Could Shut Myself Up

I can’t believe myself. I HATE that I still miss you. I HATE that I still love you.

I really really hate that you don’t.

I KEEP MEETING GUYS, I DO ACTUALLY GO OUT AND MEET GUYS AND GET CHATTED UP AND GET NUMBERS AND GET ASKED FOR MY NUMBER ALL THE TIME AND OCCASIONALLY I EVEN MEET A GUY WHO IS GREAT AND WHO I WOULD TOTALLY BE WITH. AND I CAN’T. BECAUSE OF YOU.

FUCK ME, I HATE ME. I JUST WANT TO BE OVER THIS. I WANT TO NOT BE SAD. I TRY SO FUCKING HARD TO NOT BE THIS PERSON. AND IT’S NEVER FUCKING ENOUGH.

When the shitting hell is this going to be over?? It’s been long enough now. It’s so enough.