Dick-Act no.1

You obviously got drunk (no one emails at 3am) and then sent me a really confusing email, the first real contact we’ve had since you left, which I politely replied to even though it sent my head in to a spin and then you go back to ignoring me, pretending I don’t exist? So why send an email asking how I am and that you just want to know if I’m ok and what’s been going on if you had no intention of replying?

I just don’t understand

How To Say Goodbye?

I need to say goodbye and I don’t know how. I really don’t know how to let go, how do you control emotion?

I want to tell you, never forget. Never forget how wonderful being in love can be, don’t hide from it and don’t ever throw it away again. I don’t think you ever realised what I felt for you. I really truly loved you. I would have done anything for you and I would never have hurt you no matter how worried you were that I would. I couldn’t have hurt you because I was so in love with you that you were a part of me and it would have been like hurting myself. And I wouldn’t have jeopardised us for anything, even with all the bullshit with the drummer, after all the times I wondered why he could still bother me and what that meant, I was never looking back, I was never wanting to be with him again. I could have, I could easily have gone back to him, he would have taken me back in a heart beat. My problem with him was I felt bad for the way I very immaturely and selfishly ended things with him and not only ended it in that way but fell for and got together with my soulmate a day later. People I trusted and loved told me I should feel bad and you know me, you know I’m a good person at heart in the way that I can’t give up on people (old housemates ring a bell?). Thats why every so often I needed to talk about it with one of my girls, not because I still loved him.

I wish you could know this, but whats the point now?

No Need For It Really Is There?

Before he left me I booked a double bungee jump for his 21st birthday. A few days ago I finally got round to trying to get my money back from it and found out I couldn’t so I thought well it was his birthday gift, I can’t get the money back anyway and I’m not going to go so I emailed a very short pleasant message asking if he would still like the voucher to go with someone else.

But I forgot that I don’t exist to him anymore.

What have I done that is so wrong?? Why can you not even respond to a simple email? Its not as if I’m stalking you, I could be texting or ringing all the time and I haven’t done once, which is totally amazing for girls in my situation! Why be an asshole about this breakup and towards me?

Incidentally, double bungee jump voucher up for grabs?

Pretending

I feel like I’ve used up my shit-ex boyfriend talking time so I pretend I’m doing fine. I hate it, this pretending I’m almost totally over it, that I’m fine and ready to move on. I’m not ready. I still feel it too deeply in my core that you’re the one, that its still you and me against the world. You told me that remember? What happened to that?

Dreading The First Run In

It is getting closer and closer to the time we’re going to run in to each other. I can feel it and I know I’m not going to handle it well.

I want to come back to Bournemouth. I miss it, I just want to go home, live with my people I know, just be back! I’m so grateful to my mum for letting me move back to Southampton but everything I am is in Bournemouth.

I feel like its not getting easier. I feel like every day instead of missing you less I miss you more and i just want it to be easier now! You think I want to feel like this?? You think I want hurt like this? You think I don’t wish every second of every day I could be over this?

Doesn’t make sense

How can I be soo sure how right we are together and meant for each other and you can be soo sure that we’re not? How can I be such a mess and you don’t even feel bad about it let alone miss me?

I have such a craving to talk to you! we went 10months talking to each other every day, seeing each other basically every day, living together to nothing! Yeah I want hugs and cuddles and kisses but I also want my friend! I want to chat and tell stories about whats been going on.

I’ve accepted you want nothing to do with me, I’m just finding it so hard, you always told me we would still be friends and of course it was going to take time to get to that place but you did the worst possible thing and just completely cut me out. A friend would have helped me through this anyway they could, not be horrible and ignore my existence.

I still can’t believe you could just walk away from us

Pilots Night To Celebrate Awesome Return

Love my lovely girls who organised a big welcome back dress up night out.

My girls mean so much to me and are my family. I love how we keep finding new amazing people to add to the brunette crew and I truly do not know what I would do without any of them. These girls plus my uxbridge lover were what got me on the plane to face my fears.

Ready?

I have a date tomorrow and I’m not going to lie, I am totally 100% definitely NOT ready for it! I am so heavy yet empty inside and I don’t want to go. I don’t want to be with someone or try and make an effort with someone who isn’t you. I can’t do this, I can’t start again because I just want my boyfriend back and its so pointless! Such a waste of time wanting you back and waiting for you so why shouldn’t I move on? Its not fair to start anything, even one date with someone when I’m still in love with someone else.

But I will be damned if I stay the lonely heartbroken girl and I will be damned if I’m going to sit here still pining away while you’re out there getting with other girls.