Glorious Return!

Reactivated it, was dying, can not live without facebook apparently haha. However as soon as I reactivated I also blocked ex mr chop. I still don’t want to snoop, don’t want to check up on him, don’t want to see things that will upset me and cause me to get in touch with him cause it’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to him. He doesn’t need me snooping and trying to get him to talk to me, he needs to be left alone. Which I’ll try and do…..

God, I really don’t know where my head is at, at all. I haven’t really thought about what I want in a partner in a really long time, I’ve just been missing things I use to have and I don’t know if that is what I want or need anymore. The other thing is, I keep saying I miss ex mr chop but I don’t even know who he is anymore, I don’t know if his personality is what I want or need anymore. So maybe this is a really good opportunity to honestly think to myself what I would like, what would compliment me.

*SIDENOTE* Am sitting in a UAA spine and they are walking the 3 year olds through and they are so freaking adorable, it’s really distracting.

Actually these little kiddies are so distracting that I can’t be bothered to whine anymore.

I think a part of me is relieved he is seeing someone. It’s a pretty good sign to go and get on with it

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Deactivated

I was thinking about this in all my misery and shiz, about how even being here and even years later ex mr chop has managed to stay a tangible presence in my life and I came to the conclusion that the fault lay with…..Facebook. Yes, that fucking huge all powerful social media tool which allows for snooping and keeping tabs on people in all its picture, new relationship status glory. Over the years any sort of information we have found out on each other has been because of facebook creeping. Adding each other, deleting each other, blocking each other, messaging each other and starting the cycle again; because of facebook. Not just with ex mr chop either, this isn’t a social media tool, this is just a way to creep on people and not be arrested for it! I get that it is my choice to snoop and my choice to look on things I shouldn’t and add people and talk to people. But it is really fucking hard not to when the person you shouldn’t be creeping on and talking to is the one fucking person in the world that you want!!

So I deactivated my account. Cold turkey, can’t snoop, can’t keep tabs, can’t make myself so upset that by 3am I am texting him from another fucking country because it hurts too much to hold it in anymore. I figure that a lot of the time the checking up and snooping is more habit just like when you automatically login to facebook as soon as your fingers hit a keyboard or as soon as you swipe to the app. So I’m going to give it a week or two and I figure after not giving in to the habit maybe I’ll be able to get back on my account. I would just try the whole blocking thing but I can only do it for a few days and then the tempation is too much. I can reactivate my account easily as well but if I can’t get on facebook at all I feel like the temptation will be less.

Christ I can’t believe I texted him. I was just so very sad! I wanted to let him know that I get it, he has moved on, what he said back in September doesn’t count anymore, it doesn’t mean what it did back then and any sort of hope or expection or anything that I was holding on to is….gone. Its that whole gone thing which I think finally hit me before bed. Its done with now. I was thinking, does that mean it is actually done with or am I supposed to still try and go and see and fight. I will never ever forget about the time when he broke up with me that one night for that one night and said how he heard footsteps outside D’s place and thought it was me and hoped it was me. I didn’t run after him really when he left me here, I didn’t run after him when I was home and maybe that was my mistake. I just always thought that because he was the one to leave me that the running or chasing should be up to him. Maybe I was too blind then to realise that if you really believe in something, pride should never ever get in the way. That it doesn’t matter who makes the move as long as someone does!

It’s too bad that these realisations come too late and at a price I don’t ever think I will get over.

I was talking to chick and I was saying how I am totally 50/50 inside. Half of me wants him to be happy and to love and to be in a relationship with someone who can make him feel fulfilled. The other half of me hopes to fucking christ its a fad that will be over in the next couple of weeks. That half of me is totally in denial because I know him! I know that he would never put it up on facebook unless he was dead certain about it and wanted it. He would never make it official unless she really made him happy. So there it is. Its knowing this that made me break down and at 3am send a text with the implicit message of, I get it and I won’t be pestering you or trying to make trouble when I’m home. Not saying that I could anyway but I wouldn’t even try. Because I love him. And I want him to be happy.

I just really wish that, that could have been with me.

Stupid fucker, you really had to meet someone literally weeks before I came home?! GAH!

She Jersey Shore’d Me!

Last night was party at mr BMW’s parent’s place, usual crowd and a few different people. Was such a fucking dramatic spectacle! Holy christ! First, wrestler gets all drunk and emotional and keeps having to be talked off the edge by the gf who officially is openly hating me now “I’m surprised you’re not wearing one of your ‘party’ dresses” “I nearly stepped on her head!…Good”. WTF DID THE DRESS COMMENT MEAN?? Sorry that I wear dresses and leggings and not just jeans and tshirt all the time. I’m sorry I have a good sense of style whereas you already dress like a soccer mum who has given up. Fuck you. Then there is batshit crazy who I totally accidentally bump in to, a small bit of her drink gets on her, I immediately apologise and she after a few minutes decides to dump her whole drink over me Jersey Shore style! BITCH I AM FROM SHIRLEY, I WILL FUCK YOU UP. And then finally, to top the whole evening off, S gets pissed at me cause I didn’t think it was a huge deal that mr BMW was playing with the music.

These people are all fucking insane.

Then this morning I wake up to wrestler dude who had texted me saying that I turned my back on him, didn’t support him and that we needed to talk cause he wanted to give me the benefit of the doubt. What benefit of what doubt??? I was so fucking confused and then all day its just been back and forth and you know what, I am tired of these people treating me like a FUCKING OBJECT. I’ve ‘claimed’ you, you’re mine. What?! I am a fucking person! I will be your friend but I am not a fucking pet or iphone or something. I appreciate that it means these people really care about me but back the fuck off.

I am consistently single, I know how to be single, I don’t see anything wrong with being single. But goddamn, I have never had a group of people make me feel so shit about it before! Its so easy to start drama with me cause its just me defending myself. Its easy to make me the punching bag cause I don’t have an other half in my corner. Fuck that! Don’t fucking disrespect me just because I don’t have a fucking boyfriend! At least I can spend more than 5 mins on my own without going mad, at least I have my own life and not one that I have to share with someone, at least I can make my own decisions, at least I can live the way I want. Relationships are nice and shit but that doesn’t mean not being in a relationship is a total downer. Assholes.

I know I’m really angry because of all the stupid shit last night and cause it’s day one of monthlies. It wasn’t a bad night to be honest, pageant girl showed up and we hung out and that was really fun, got my drink on and made some new friends. Bonded with BMW guy and airsoft guy. Now I am just going to avoid everyone for a while haha.

Just about 3 weeks before going home. I am trying so hard not to think about it because I just want it to be now. I want to go and see my moo and loverr and treacle and Bournemouth and London and soak it all in. I want to see him, every single particle in me is vibrating thinking about it, thinking about if he will get in touch, if we will see each other, what will happen, what won’t happen. Will I be fine, will I be devastated? I just want to know.

Fucking hell I hope he gets in touch

Shitty Situation

So the guy who I like and likes me (FRIENDLY LIKE, REPEAT FRIENDLY) who has the gf, sometimes words things in a way that I’m worried if his gf is reading is misconstruing and that is where this animosity is coming from. We both know that we get on really well and I think have both been kind of thinking that our time as friends is coming to an end cause the gf really does not like it. Its a shame cause we do get on really well and its totally like he is another girlyfriend of mine but after the random attacking txt from her today, and the weird sounding texts from him last night (which sound sort of like she was on the other end of the phone), I think its time to give this one up for a lost cause and not talk anymore unless in a social situation. I don’t make friends easily or often, not ones that I genuinely like and get on with without having to be someone I’m not so I’m sad that I can’t be friends with him but it’s really starting to be more trouble than its worth.

As for making friends, I am totally in love with my fellow persuasive writing group friend! She is totally awesome and funny, reminds me a lot of batgirl actually. Had a really fun time going to the strip club with her, her boyfriend and their friend last night so am hopeful that maybe I’ll be inducted in to another group (who are all way chill stoner types haha).

Gah, complicated life as always

Liar, Be Honest

I am a fucking liar, to myself mainly. Of course I want to fucking know who this blonde girl is, has he finally met someone else, should I just be worried. Of course I want it not to be, I want to come home and have the fairy tale ending. I know, I know in my head that this is not how life works, I am not amazing enough for him to want to come back with me and I am not staying there. My head knows that I am building up all of this stuff in my head which is just going to crush me and part of me doesn’t even know if I do want him! Why go back there, why trust this person who is still this all talk unreliable lad who just wants to get drunk. I am so worried about looking amazeballs for this one person who doesn’t give one shit let alone two. AND IT IS ALL I CAN FUCKING THINK ABOUT! Gah!

Then there is allll this shit with this taken guy who I know I like, who I know likes me, and I’m pretty sure we both know what the other is thinking. ‘Seeing you would be the highlight of my week…you’re fantastic’. Yeah, not helpful.

Apparently I only want guys who are unattainable or don’t want me. Excellent

Oh

I usually have a really good sense of how things are and my spidey senses are deff on the tingle mode. I think he found someone, someone real. I think she is actually pretty perfect for him and can make him happy. Yeah it sucks but I welcome the snap in to reality and I do want him to be happy. Because that’s how it works, when you truly love someone and care for them, you want them to be happy even if that means without you. I want me to be happy as well! This week has admittedly been super lame but tonight is going to be fun, birthday tomorrow and then only a few weeks till I am home with my moo. Christ I miss my moo, I can’t wait to be around the one person I can totally be myself with. I am so freaking excited to see her!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!

So, here is to taking life at face value

Insane In Da Membrane!

This is so totally insane. I have this group of friends. I’m at uni doing well. I am a founding member of the UAA division of The National Society of Leadership & Success, I am a write in candidate for a USUAA Board Senator, S wants me in Tri Sig, had a date with a really sweet guy tonight who got me flowers and wants to see me again asap, have J planning stripper night next week so we can judge the competition and also has a guy she wants to introduce me to, am moving out in Jan. I have this crazy life right now which isn’t crazy, it’s totally normal! I’m just not use to having a bunch of people and a bunch of things going on in my life. It is getting to the point where when I am alone I’m miserable! I use to love my own company and now I hate when I don’t have something going on! Which is why the super depressing post before this. I like being insanely busy! Weird.
And yet, I still miss him. I still wish he was in my life in some way. I still can’t really give myself to anyone else cause I’m still hoping and hope as we know is the killer. I’m hoping I get home and he contacts me. I hope we see each other. I hope we can sort us out. And if we can’t, I at least hope that I finally finally just let go and walk away