For The First Time In A Long Time

I haven’t been able to write here since what, two days after I met the music man and we’ve been together since. I know that no relationship is perfect, I know for sure that none of my relationships have been perfect. I really wanted to trust him completely though, I really wanted him to prove me wrong and in some ways he was even fucking worse than the ex ex and hurt me more than ex mr chop.

That stupid fucker posted pictures of himself online, asked for pictures of other girls from online, was a member of three different dating sites, one of which is the infamous Ashley Madison made to cheat site. He told me it was all for porn, all to get off, just something he’s done for years and not a big deal, he would never ever cheat and never wanted to. I get it, we all have fetishes and this was his. I say was because FUCK YOU IS THAT ACCEPTABLE TO DO BEHIND MY FUCKING BACK YOU ASSHOLE.

It’s feeling especially fresh today because I guess it wasn’t just about getting pictures and getting off.

I snoop. It’s a thing and it’s a thing that started with the ex ex and his ‘other phone’ and his groupies and flirting and meg and livi and feeling like the fat boring credit card shaped girlfriend. Then I met ex mr chop and I was fine until something felt wrong and I snooped and classily he had been googling how to break up with me. Sort of downhill from there. And then the music man and his weirdly possessive friend A. Who turned out to be an ex who didn’t quite know she was an ex, making me an unknowing other woman. That was the first little crack but I did understand the situation and to the most that I could, got over it. And it wasn’t until months later that I saw the Ashley Madison thing which wasn’t actually due to snooping for a change. Finding out all about that and plenty of fish and craigslist and pictures, that was snooping.

This happened and it was in August I found out and had it out with him. Took about a week of talking and serious consideration of breaking up. I’ve since then kept my distance from his phone and computer except for moments of complete fucking weakness which he doesn’t know about. Like being told he had stopped talking to A and hadn’t. That things between them were a lot more serious than he still has yet to admit.

Back on point. Stupid fucker left his computer here and I had one of those moments, fuelled by the fact we are signing a lease tonight to live together for the next year and I am so fucking scared that I am making this huge mistake cause even though I really love him, I think that due to past behaviour, he is going to really fucking hurt me. Badly. And now I will have to deal with the disaster of a break up with someone I live with. Yeah he did the dirty pic thing, yeah he’s stupid for sometimes leaving his face in. But that stupid fucking dirty little cunt went on to craigslist and started chatting up some rando girl, being all nice and flirty and jokey over the course of several days when he was away for work. He says he would never and has never cheated and yet there are messages suggesting a meet up. All for kicks of course. THAT STUPID FUCKER WHEN HE WAS AWAY FOUND SOME CHILD ONLINE (19) AND MESSAGED HER FOR DAYS AND DAYS PRETENDING TO BE THIS SINGLE NICE GUY WHEN HE WAS WITH ME. BORED ARE YOU? THEN FUCKING MESSAGE YOUR FUCKING STUPID PATHETIC GIRLFRIEND.

AND NOW I CAN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING CAUSE WE ARE SIGNING A FUCKING LEASE TONIGHT. And if I back out, the roomie are going to be really super mad and I’ll prob end up moving back in with dad and step-beast.

So I’m basically saying that living with my boyfriend who I keep saying I’m going to be with always, is pretty much the lesser of two evils?

I love him, I really do. I know that he loves me too. I just also know on some level, I don’t think I’m enough for him and I don’t think he’s the person he’s trying to be right now. I feel like this is the Alaska version of himself, or at the least it is himself but he misses being younger and less responsible? I don’t know. Most of the time I really feel like I know who he is and then I’m reminded of what a good liar he is. And then I think of the things he’s done for me for example, addressing my crazy and wanting to work with me to actually get through it and change it instead of ignoring me (the ex ex) or breaking up with me (ex mr chop). Which is pretty huge.

And then I am reminded of what a good liar he is.

I don’t know what to do. Every relationship is flawed, everyone has their little secret. I just know that I am really good at sticking it out with the wrong person for the wrong reasons and I will be damned to go through that again.

Welcome back to reality, only took 8 months!

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Strange Strange Times

Boyfriend. I haven’t had a real honest to god boyfriend since ex mr chop. It feels really weird to be honest, I’ve been single for so long and fought against having feelings for anyone so hard, that to have given in and let go gives me the sensation of falling. I know I really like him, obviously since I’m in a relationship with him, I just don’t know if I like him enough for it to really go anywhere or if I like him enough for it just to be something for now. In the back of my mind all I can think about is the summer and whats the point in becoming invested in someone who is going away for 3-4months in about 2months? Were too new, were not strong enough to survive a long distance thing, I don’t even think I believe in long distance things. Or am I just doing my usual look ahead and freak thing. Should I just be enjoying this for what it is for as long as I have it and not worry about whats to come. Thing is I’ve never been like that, I always look ahead to judge whether something is right for me and worth my time. Hes never had a serious girlfriend or even a longish term girlfriend. That’s all I’ve ever been! I don’t know how to have a non-serious relationship but I don’t think that’s what he wants? I’m still not one to make a guess at what he wants from me or is thinking, I still don’t really know him. We still don’t really know each other. Except sometimes I think he knows me better than I think he does whereas I feel like I only know surface stuff about him. I thought he wouldn’t want to publicise our relationship and instead he was hurt cause he thought that it was me who didn’t want to. I thought he was only in it for sex and instead he’d been waiting for me to show interest in taking it to the next level. He knows what coffee I drink, I don’t know his?! That was a surprise. He knew I was hanging yesterday and found me in the library and had gotten me my coffee. I was shocked. I didn’t realise he’d been paying that close attention.  I already feel like a bad girlfriend and we’ve only been official for about a week!!

I’m just so scared. I’m scared of hurting him, I’m scared of letting him down, I’m scared of becoming attached to him, I’m scared that I won’t meet his expectations of me, I’m scared that I’m so use to being single and alone and independent that I won’t be able to be a girlfriend. I even tried scaring him off already by being all ‘being a boyfriend is a totally different set of responsibilities blah blah’. No dice. I’m also wondering if I’m trying to use this to hurt ex mr chop. The whole nany nany boo boo, I win, I’ve moved on with a real relationship. Except is it a real relationship if I’m using it as a victory or is that a natural after effect, the whole winning thing. I know I need to chill out and relax about this whole thing, I know I do. I just can’t help it, I hate not knowing, I hate how unsure about things I still am. The whole non-pda thing is not helping either. I am a person who makes a connection through being physical. We haven’t had sex in an age and now I can’t cause I’m on my fucking cycle (on one hand phew on the other, irritating as fuck) and at uni I’m so unsure how to be around him. I can’t be affectionate, I can’t be physical. I don’t even get hugs. I’m not asking for him to eat me out in the middle of the library, I’m not asking for make out sessions, I don’t even want the whole hand holding thing (which yeah, would also be nice once in a while). But a hug? A hand on the knee? Something, anything?! That would be nice. I don’t know how I’m supposed to build a connection with him if I can’t physically connect with him.

Or this is all just really stupid and I’m making problems out of nothing so I can feel justified in pushing him away.

KA-BLOOOOOM!

That would be the sound of my head exploding. Waaaaay too much is going on right now and I’m totally freaking out and no-one can understand why I’m freaking out and I just want someone to actually listen to me and let me ramble for a bit and give me hug.

I miss the times of bomo house and zoots and random trips to Brighton. I miss A.Summers and friends and hazy days. People tell me I’m supposed to be really excited about starting uni again and I am. I’m also terrified I’m going to fail for real this time and I’m out of running away options. I’m terrified of the date with M, I’m terrified of the date with T. Really terrified about that one actually. I’m nervous about interviews on monday and uni on tuesday and maybe more dates and running out of money and training for new jobs and leaving the people I’ve been around more than my family for the past year and I miss my best friend. I know that me and moo have tried really hard to not let it be different or change us but of course me being here going through all my shit and her being back home going through all her shit and us not being there through all the shit together, of course it changes things. If I was back home going through all of this I would be able to just sit and rant at her and break down and she’d be there.

I think that right now, I’m living life. For a change. It feels like I’m free-falling without a parachute. I feel like I’m out of breath and I’m literally going to have a heart attack and die.

Tomorrow: Date with M. Saturday: Date with T. Monday: Interview. Tuesday: Uni. Too many things to think about