Been A While

So long in fact, that I am now a married woman. That’s right, you heard me, I took the plunge, got hitched, became a ball and chain. Possibly a bit of a spur of the moment decision which became an actual wedding conceived in a month, but I know we’re happy and that’s all that I want. For the both of us.

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. That’s how I’ve always tried to be with this site, with my writing. I have totally reverted back to bad habits and I don’t know why. I dropped my classes for now because with the wedding stuff, I was basically going to royally fuck up my GPA. But I miss classes, I miss having the pride in myself of being in school and doing well. I feel less intelligent which is stupid. I’m just seriously dragging my feet around and I think it’s because I am so focused on moving (leaving AK to move to CA ¬†for a year while hubby trains and then fuck knows where). I feel like I am on hold right now. I am definitely one of those people who lives in the future rather than the present, which can be seriously problematic when it means I’m not accomplishing anything in the present. I’m worried about myself. Not about being depressed, I’m not and haven’t been in a really long time, but about just stagnating and not doing anything about it. The only time I feel vibrant or alive is when hubby is home and we can hang out.

ex mr chop got engaged in December. I still find myself missing him from time to time, it was a little painful when I found out he was engaged. I am happy for him. I just can’t help but wonder if I will always wonder, just a tiny tiny part of me, whether it should have been us. But then I think no, he is with someone like him, and I am with someone who gets not only who I am but also what I need. Hubby understands me more than anyone or even more than I understand me, and it’s powerful and scary and the best feeling in the world. I am so worried he is going to find out what a fuck up I am and it will ruin us. Paranoia I’m sure though.

The run up to the wedding was pretty stressful, planning a wedding in a month is no small feat. Our engagement story isn’t an epic romantic ‘notebook’ kind of deal, but it makes me smile because it was so us. I’d been worried for months about his moving away and re-training, it was causing so much tension with us because I don’t like, trust, believe in, or want a long distance relationship, I think it is stupid to not be with the person you love (most likely a fall out of having dad in AK while we were in the UK). So then we both went to our homes for christmas, came back, and I finally really straightforwardly said I don’t want long distance, I love you, I want it to work, but I don’t think I can do it. So it’s a new day, he texts me, says he got his re-train placement and finally has a definite yes, as well as a leaving date. Oh. I shut the fuck down so fast I was even shocked. He got home that evening and I couldn’t barely look or talk to him, I’d never been that quiet before. So then he goes to bed and I don’t (another first, we always always go to bed together), but after a while I go in and I finally open up about how I’m proud of him, how I really do want the best for him, and he starts cuddling me and asks if it would be different if we got married. What do you mean I say? Would I come with him, would I leave AK and my family here behind? I said yes but we aren’t married, I need a realistic response and solution. So marry me. Two days later we got rings, one month later we got married.

Our love story is the opposite to my other love stories with the ex ex and ex mr chop. It’s less dramatic, less problematic, less childish, more real, more adult, more supportive. Hubby can handle my diabetes, my mood swings, my snarkiness. He doesn’t roll over, he lets me know when he’s at his limit. I feel most like myself with him. Which is awesome.

We adopted a cat who looks exactly like Buffy. Trust me, the irony of this is not lost on myself.

I went home in December and found out that Moo (who is still not talking to me even though I have sent a bunch of emails etc), is expecting a baby in April. So congrats Moo, I hope you’re happy. I wish I was there to see it or even for us to be talking in any capacity. So hit me up.

By the way, taking someone’s name in marriage is a huge pain of the arse over here.

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