Oh Yeah, Homecoming Yeahhh

Finally finally got my stuff back from ex mexican man after another plea for it. Of course mr no balls saw I was in and still dumped it on the porch instead of knocking on the door and engaging in a 30 second conversation which would have gone along the lines of ‘hey, thanks, bye’. Whatever, its all squared away with now and I can go back to having no reason to talk to him again. Ever. Its just so confusing to me, he can be friends with all his exes, he can be friends with the ex who apparently really cut him up but he can’t be friends with me? Or even a semi-decent human being? I’ve managed it, I haven’t been mean or spiteful, I haven’t stalked him, I haven’t tried to get him to get back with me. If I have engaged in conversation I’ve always been really nice and cordial, so what gives? Fucking boys.

I have been extended an invitation to homecoming! Have been getting along with this guy, goes to UAA, 26, seems very nice. Had an impromptu coffee/lunch date yesterday which is where the whole homecoming thing came up. This will be my first American college dance thing so I’m definitely looking forward to it. I don’t think much is really going to happen with this guy, he is def on the rebound and I am kind of preoccupied with going home at christmas as well as actually wanting a relationship. I know its a lot to ask but I would really like to be with someone who wants to be with me. That’s it, that is the only real requirement. I don’t care about careers or cars or money or looks or any of that shit. I just want to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I want someone who wants to hang out, who wants to talk and cuddle and do things together. Who will miss me and love me and hold my hand without me feeling like I’m making them.

Sometimes I think I’m asking too much which is sad because all I’m asking for is the standard bare minimum that anyone should give or get

Life Can Take Today And Stuff It Up Its Arse

Ok so I may not be devastated and I may be pretty good, but to see your ex about a week after they broke up with you, walking up the hallway you are walking down, with another girl, who meets your eyes, looks away and then walks past completely ignoring you, well that shit fucking stings. A lot as it turns out. And to then be ignored again not a few hours later? Awesome, really fucking awesome. So much for being friends or thinking about it or being adult and mature and shit. Why bother stopping to talk to me the other day? Why not start as you mean to go on?

So basically a big fuck you ex mexican man! It wasn’t that big, it wasn’t that good, pretty sure I faked all but three times and I wasn’t too ill to keep it. I hope you are forced to swallow your own balls and choke and die.

Fin

Bipolar

I am the most up and down person these past few days, it’s such a joke. One minute I am totally fine, can imagine running in to ex mexican man, don’t miss him, don’t think about him and then something completely arbitrary can totally set me off. I know that I haven’t lost much, I know he was kind of a shitty boyfriend, I know that I am better off cause now I’m…alone? I wanted to say not feeling sad but I am, I wanted to say not wishing for a text but I am, I wanted to say not feeling lonely but I am. It’s just different types of sad and hopelessness and lonliness. Now I know for certain that there isn’t a single chance that he will take these feelings away and it’s that hope in a relationship (or in mine as the case may be) that is the killer. Disappointment is the ultimate killer. Like I said, for me anyway. I am not anywhere near as heartbroken as I’ve been before (thanks ex mr chop) and I think this is why I’m really confused on to how I do actually feel. Because I’m not a zombie I think that I must not have really been in to ex mexican man. But then I get these big moments of sadness and I know that’s not right, I was really in to him, I really cared about him and I really wanted to believe that he cared about me as well. Which turned out to be false but hey, a girl can dream right? I guess he was never going to care about me in the way I wanted though, not after the summer, not after realising how heavy school was going to be, not after realising that I wanted a boyfriend and not a part time hook up. I feel like he viewed me as a friend who he sometimes slept with and that made it hard for him to see me as a girlfriend who had the right to his time. I miss him. I don’t know right now if that is because we were friends and I miss my friend or if I miss him because he was my boyfriend and now he isn’t. Or a mixture of both. All I kept thinking about today was what would I do if I saw him? Would I avoid eye contact and walk away as fast as possible, would I totally run in the opposite direction, would I smile and walk past, would I smile and stop to talk? At first I thought about how totally fine I was and therefore would smile and stop and talk. I would say ‘It’s ok you know, I’m ok and I want us to be ok. And you know where I am if you fancy a shag haha’. I would say ‘Lets be friends, I always thought maybe we would do better as friends’. I’d ask how his family was to show how I did still care. But then as I was walking through the spine today, at the time I know he would have been there, my heart started racing, I panicked and raced down that hallway to salvation. Possibly not ready to be friends then. I’m pretty sure he’s avoiding me actually cause there are moments today I generally would have seen him and he wasn’t around. But then that would be thinking about me and caring about seeing me, neither of which I think he’s doing. So I think I’m just reading in to the situation as is my standard behaviour. I don’t want to get back together I don’t think. I don’t think I was happy with him either. But just in the way that I half hoped to see and half prayed would never have a run in with ex mr chop, so goes it with ex mexican man.

I just hate that once again I was promised that someone was there for me and left! That I had this person to rely on when I didn’t! I hate that he promised to not do this to me and did! I hate that I am never ever fucking good enough. I hate that I am always the one left to cry and pick up the shards. I hate that I’m the one with the trust issues which people can’t understand why when it is pretty freaking obvious.

I mostly hate knowing that I miss him and he does not miss me

Where Is Bernard’s Watch When You Need It…

The most painful thought is knowing how your life is meant to turn out and the most difficult realisation is knowing it never will be.

To me a soulmate is your own soul’s recognition in another. It is as if the whole world suddenly narrows down until all you can see is this one person and you know they are special, you don’t know why, but you know that this person is going to change you. Completely. Forever. Nothing will stop you from being with this person. Except of course if they all of a sudden develop complete retardedness and leave you for no fucking reason and then are too chicken shit to fix the situation until it is too goddamn late.

Sorry I fucked up what could have been the rest of our lives, I miss you, I’m sorry and I think I will always love you. Really? Now? 3 years later? Are you fucking kidding me? Each sentence was like another bullet through the shield I’ve concocted around myself and once again I am left defenseless and full of these muthfucking holes!

I really like my boyfriend. A part of me does love him because I care for him and he could have potentially been the Y to my X chromosome. I am not in love with him but maybe one day I could be? But I don’t think its fair. I don’t want to still be in love with someone else and just merely be making do. Maybe that’s why my boyfriend doesn’t know how he feels about me or doesn’t love me. Maybe a part of him knows that my heart is not 100% in it. Unless I am. I feel like I could be? 100% in it.

I just have all these bullet holes….

Is There Such A Thing?

Had a facebook message from ex mr chop today ‘Honest drunk question. Have you (since breaking up) had sex as good as we had when together?? Cause tbf its gona be hard to beat lol Because we were awesome dans la sack haha xx’. Firstly, is there such a thing as an ‘honest’ drunk question? Cause generally there are motives behind asking questions, especially when drunk and all reminiscing. I mean, I’m pretty sure what happened here was a drunk horny ex mr chop saw me on facebook chat, remembered that yes, we did have pretty great sex and decided to bring it up. I also think he was probably hoping for a reply along the lines of ohh nooo you are the bestest everrr!

Ok so truthfully yes, the sex I had with him was the best sex I’ve ever had, no I haven’t had sex that even comes close since we finished. Was I going to admit that to him? Fuck no! Fuck no I’m not going to boost his shitty fucking ego up and make him think that I miss him in any sort of way. Back in the day I’d have totally told the truth in the hopes that he’d be all happy and somehow we’d end up in the getting back together conversation. I didn’t want to be mean either so I just laughed it off and was like yes and no. Which is a lie wrapped in the truth. There have been instances of really good sex but what ex mr chop doesn’t understand is, for me, the sex with him was only so amazing because it wasn’t just great sex, it was great sex with someone I was so in love with. It was great sex with my best friend who I believed was as in love with me as I was with him. Sex for me isn’t just about the act. What makes it great for me is how I feel about that person. Which is why I haven’t had anything that is comparable; I haven’t been with someone that I feel as or more strongly for.

So now yeah, I feel all achy and sad. It really hurts my feelings that he can’t not do this, can’t not take it too far, can’t just leave what we were alone. It doesn’t hurt him in the same way because he didn’t feel the same things that I did and he knows this, how many times have we tried being ‘friends’ until he just has to go and ruin it all? I guess he will never understand why he needs to leave certain things alone for the exact reason that it doesn’t affect him in the same way and if I want to be ‘friends’ I will just have to put up with it and accept that. Even if it hurts. Why do I have to though? Put up with it? To show I’m over it? How is that fair? Shouldn’t we be friends on equal terms? I’m just tired of always being the one who has to say stop cause it hurts.

Meh

Life Is Hilarious

I swear, nothing ever ever goes as planned!! I’m starting to think that spontaneous people are only spontaneous because they have had enough life experience to know, you can plan and stress and plan but life has its own ideas of what the fuck it wants to do. I stressed about the date with M, I very very very nearly bailed, I didn’t know all the tiny details and it freaked me out that I was walking in to a situation where I couldn’t predict what was going to happen. In the end I had such a great time, he was so sweet, I had fun and met some really lovely people who I could definitely see spending time with. I was stressed and nervous about the date with T and in the end he bailed and opened my eyes to who he is and so I went out with ESM and met a friend! Someone the same age as me, same interests, same goals. Someone who goes to UAA and wants to go get dinner and hang out! I also lost my debit card, first time ever!! Managed to get it blocked within minutes though so no big deal.

Date with M. Oh my god, I really like him. Like, really really like him and its so shocking because I wasn’t expecting it! I really honestly didn’t think much was going to come from it, I thought that this was just a pseudo date to calm me down before my date with T which I thought was going to lead somewhere?! I’m frustrated with myself though, I don’t think I really left him with the impression that I do really like him and I did have a good time. I think I did? But I feel like this is something I really don’t want to screw up. Its really frightening. I’ve spent so much time shutting myself off and then I spend just a few hours with this one person and its like everything has changed, everything has shifted. What happens if I let this person in to my life and it all gets fucked up again? I’ve literally just started getting back on my feet, I’ve literally only just gotten back to myself, I’m finally starting the next chapter, the step to my future. I don’t want to be happy again only to have it all come shattering down again. But at the same time, I’m lonely. I miss being part of a team, I miss having that person who makes me want to be better. I feel like I am ready to fucking man up and stop being a little bitch and fucking try again! I am ready. Which means I’ve finally let go. Before I kept saying how I felt like I was losing him and it made me sad and scared because I wasn’t ready to lose him. Now I know that its not losing him, its being able to truly let him go and not be sad about it but feel free. I feel like inside I have finally shed the last of my sadness and the last of my love for him. I’ve held on to that love for a really really long time and I thought that it was comforting when really holding on to that love was really keeping me down. B was a really important person in my life and will always be someone that has a piece of me. He just doesn’t and can’t have all of me anymore.

I really hope M phones me

So Why Can’t You?

I was talking to our mutual diabetic friend yesterday. Ever since me and ex mr chop broke up, the way ‘betes boy talks to me is uber sexual and crude and I’ve tried to get him to stop, I’ve asked him to stop, I blocked him for a while to teach him I was serious about him stopping and nothing got through. So I decided to stop being such a tight arse and let it be. I play around back now (and yes a lot of the stuff I say is to hopefully filter back to ex mr chop and piss him off. Cause I’m a vindictive bitch, get over it). Anyway, so once again it was all oh K i’d like to fuck you and I’m like yeah sure come on over and we’ll make it happen haha and he was like ok. I’ll look in to flights, what sort of airlines should I look at and I tell him how its going to be two airlines, its about two grand at least for a ticket and he says cool, I’ll look in to it seriously tomorrow.

What the fuck?

So this guy, who I’ve never slept with, who I don’t actually know that well, who I only hung out with a few times, who is supposed to be good friends with ex mr chop, is willing to lay down a few grand to come and see me? This guy who doesn’t really have a job as well.

If its that easy, if its that….worth it to see me, why the hell can’t you do it? Its this that made me realise, its cause you don’t want to. Its this that made me think, do I actually still love you? Am I actually still in love with you? And I honestly don’t know. I know I still miss you and I get sad when I think about you. But in love still? Possibly. The ache is a lot more numb nowadays. But I still have those moments where the ache becomes this giant abyss inside of me and I can still feel my whole being shouting out for you to hear me.

Ok so maybe yes, still in love. But I feel like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I know I’m not going to feel like this forever. And that helps sometimes. All I can think about right now is, he has been a presence in my life for about 3 years now. I’ve cared about him and loved him basically every day that I’ve known him. I miss him, I miss my friend, I miss my partner in crime. I’m finding it so hard to let go and be with someone else. I’m playing a game where I’m seemingly putting myself out there and trying to meet guys and then any guy who is interested I manage to find one small thing and make it an excuse to not be with that person or try with that person anymore. I feel like there is a cold layer inside of me that needs to be broken before I will let anyone in.

I need someone strong enough to break me free

Consumed By Thoughts Of You

You told me that we had to be blocked from each other cause otherwise we would just keep messaging each other etc. You held strong for a while so why all of a sudden unblock me? Why make it obvious you have a girlfriend (so much for still thinking about me and not having a girlfriend since me etcbullshitetc) and then the same day, get rid of the evidence again? I’m probably reading waaay too much in to this to be honest. Maybe it means that he’s over it now and over me and having me blocked was pointless cause having me unblocked doesn’t make a difference to him. What ever the case may be, the second I realised he had made us visible to each other again, I blocked him.

I’m actually proud of myself. Usually I will block him for about a day and then unblock him and then the whole thing starts again, I do slight stalkage and then he will send a little message and then we get talking and then we end up in a bad place again. I guess either I’m growing up or I’m for a change putting my money where my mouth is and trying to move on. Its kind of sad that I can’t have him in my life at all, not even a small tiny part because it is way too painful and just makes me still hold on to the hope that maybe, somehow, some day, we will make it back to each other. It is this hope that keeps my feelings for him going and this hope that kills a part of me so I guess that this is what I’m now actively trying to get rid of.  I seriously do not want to let this go though and this is where the problems all stem from. Its harder to let go of something that you just want to cling tightly to. But loving a man who doesn’t love me back is not the life I want for myself. I don’t want to be like my mum and dad, I want to move on and be happy and to look back one day and think yeah, we had good and bad times and that’s all there is to it.

It is honestly taking every piece of will power I have to not unblock him. My insides are hurting, my heart is aching, my head is heavy but I am still holding strong.

I just want to talk to you

Achy Breaky Heart

Up and down, yes then no then yes then no. I can’t seem to make up my mind with this guy. When I’m with him I enjoy being around him and yesterday I had my Barnes and Noble meeting and he came and met me for a quick coffee when I’d finished and I found myself staring at him, wanting to touch him, wanting to just interrupt him and kiss him. I left with a massive smile on my face. I left horny for him. But then once I’m away from him I lose that feeling and I suddenly don’t know what the hell I’m doing,

This is my theory. I think that my emotions got so fucked over that they are now in hiding. In hiding but will every so often peek out. My heart wants to man every fucking battle station it has to keep a new guy out. I feel like I do really like him but my head and my heart are in total agreement that they do NOT want to go through that shit again and so they’ve manned up to keep this new fucker out.

I understand head, I get it heart. But if we don’t let someone in, and someone soon, we are going to end up alone forever. I acknowledge this fact and yet it sort of doesn’t scare me. Better to be alone than to be completely fucked over in every way.

Another dinner with him tomorrow. I’m pretty sure I’m looking forward to it. Not too sure though

Can’t Stop Reading…..

Brian Ranson11 June 01:41

Best thing to do is to block me then on here cause ill keep wanting to talk to you.Thing is kate im having to do the same as you. But the worst thing is that it was my choice n the wrong one. i havent had a girlfriend since you.

And he wonders why I can’t let go of him. Every time I thought I was ready. This one message has set me back months and months. I can meet up with guys, I can chat them up, I can be interesting and flirty. But I am still stone cold inside.I just cannot make myself feel anything real. I don’t know if I will ever feel anything real again. I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to pretend and get on with my life I just also know that it won’t actually be real. I know people say that if it was actually meant to be, it would have worked out. Except no one realizes that sometimes there are just way too many circumstances. Ex mr chop was right, he needed to do him and I needed to do me. Except I was so broken and lost that I couldn’t and instead I moved out of the country. When ex mr chop left he said it might be a few years down the line but who knows. If I had sorted my shit out in England then I would still be there and this whole thing might have gone down completely different. That’s what I think anyway. Maybe he didn’t, doesn’t, feel like that and he was just saying it to appease me. I just don’t understand why he would do that when he was the one to get in touch with me, when he was the one to start all this shit and say shit. He had no right. And now he’s blocked me which is awesome.

Fuck you. Fuck you so hard ex mr chop. I hate you.