Up and down, yes then no then yes then no. I can’t seem to make up my mind with this guy. When I’m with him I enjoy being around him and yesterday I had my Barnes and Noble meeting and he came and met me for a quick coffee when I’d finished and I found myself staring at him, wanting to touch him, wanting to just interrupt him and kiss him. I left with a massive smile on my face. I left horny for him. But then once I’m away from him I lose that feeling and I suddenly don’t know what the hell I’m doing,
This is my theory. I think that my emotions got so fucked over that they are now in hiding. In hiding but will every so often peek out. My heart wants to man every fucking battle station it has to keep a new guy out. I feel like I do really like him but my head and my heart are in total agreement that they do NOT want to go through that shit again and so they’ve manned up to keep this new fucker out.
I understand head, I get it heart. But if we don’t let someone in, and someone soon, we are going to end up alone forever. I acknowledge this fact and yet it sort of doesn’t scare me. Better to be alone than to be completely fucked over in every way.
Another dinner with him tomorrow. I’m pretty sure I’m looking forward to it. Not too sure though