Consumed By Thoughts Of You

You told me that we had to be blocked from each other cause otherwise we would just keep messaging each other etc. You held strong for a while so why all of a sudden unblock me? Why make it obvious you have a girlfriend (so much for still thinking about me and not having a girlfriend since me etcbullshitetc) and then the same day, get rid of the evidence again? I’m probably reading waaay too much in to this to be honest. Maybe it means that he’s over it now and over me and having me blocked was pointless cause having me unblocked doesn’t make a difference to him. What ever the case may be, the second I realised he had made us visible to each other again, I blocked him.

I’m actually proud of myself. Usually I will block him for about a day and then unblock him and then the whole thing starts again, I do slight stalkage and then he will send a little message and then we get talking and then we end up in a bad place again. I guess either I’m growing up or I’m for a change putting my money where my mouth is and trying to move on. Its kind of sad that I can’t have him in my life at all, not even a small tiny part because it is way too painful and just makes me still hold on to the hope that maybe, somehow, some day, we will make it back to each other. It is this hope that keeps my feelings for him going and this hope that kills a part of me so I guess that this is what I’m now actively trying to get rid of.  I seriously do not want to let this go though and this is where the problems all stem from. Its harder to let go of something that you just want to cling tightly to. But loving a man who doesn’t love me back is not the life I want for myself. I don’t want to be like my mum and dad, I want to move on and be happy and to look back one day and think yeah, we had good and bad times and that’s all there is to it.

It is honestly taking every piece of will power I have to not unblock him. My insides are hurting, my heart is aching, my head is heavy but I am still holding strong.

I just want to talk to you

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One thought on “Consumed By Thoughts Of You

  1. omg i can’t even tell you how much i felt all those same exact things for almost 2 years…2 years that i sat around beating myself up and telling myself that maybe things could be different. i hope you are holding strong and taking care of yourself bc that’s the best thing you can be doing right now. but think about this :
    There comes a time in your life when you realize who will always matter, who does matter, & who never did. So don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.

    so do you best to live and let go….

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