Home Again!

Finally have made it back to the UK. Talk with mum when landed was fine, saw Nanna and evil bitch aunt and that was fine. Saw my moo. Oh.My.God. I didn’t want to fucking let her go, as soon as we saw each other everything just clicked and felt right and normal and good. I was the most relaxed I have been in so long just being around her and I know it was good for her to be around me. I am completely worried about her lack of dealing about her daddy and I’m hoping that now I’m home and that the business will be sorted by the end of the month, she will finally be able to focus on her and her emotions and I’ll be here to be the rock she needs. Love her so so so so much.

Haven’t really been in touch with anyone yet, kind of letting the jet lag and chest infection die down. I feel like I am on standby, just waiting to see if ex mr chop will get in touch. I know I know that he won’t. I know I know that he prob doesn’t even remember that I am home. I unblocked him on facebook so that maybe if he even checked, it would be like a sign that I am open to hear from him but only if he gets in touch. He is the one in the relationship now so he needs to be the one to contact me if he wants to see me. I wish…I don’t know. So many things.

I was talking to mum about being afraid of the collections people and that being a major reason why I don’t think I’ll be able to ever come home haha and she told me that it’s a really simple fix and all I need to do is contact them and come to some sort of arrangement. She said it’s totally doable and if I’m coming home once I have my degree (which I am planning on so watch out UK in 2015!) then it’s better to sort it sooner rather than later. So I might either do it next December or the summer of 2014 when I’m over.

Looking forward to being in bomo friday/saturday, drinkies with farmer boi saturday, dinner with the girls sunday, christmas, new years with moo. So many things to do and people to see!!

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Wish I Could Shut Myself Up

I can’t believe myself. I HATE that I still miss you. I HATE that I still love you.

I really really hate that you don’t.

I KEEP MEETING GUYS, I DO ACTUALLY GO OUT AND MEET GUYS AND GET CHATTED UP AND GET NUMBERS AND GET ASKED FOR MY NUMBER ALL THE TIME AND OCCASIONALLY I EVEN MEET A GUY WHO IS GREAT AND WHO I WOULD TOTALLY BE WITH. AND I CAN’T. BECAUSE OF YOU.

FUCK ME, I HATE ME. I JUST WANT TO BE OVER THIS. I WANT TO NOT BE SAD. I TRY SO FUCKING HARD TO NOT BE THIS PERSON. AND IT’S NEVER FUCKING ENOUGH.

When the shitting hell is this going to be over?? It’s been long enough now. It’s so enough.

Thursday Blues

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah am feeling totally depressed right now, stupid beach break stuff all over my facebook! All I want to be doing right now is riding up on a coach with my moo, all excited about the monday warm up, planning who we want to see, discussing the best way to keep me away from tent putting-up stress and scoping out fit festy boys. It makes me very very sad that instead I am sat at my desk at work in another sodding country.

However, it makes me very happy to know that tonight, after work at job2, I am going to spend my evening drinking, getting high, being out and basically forgetting my name.

Which is kind of like being at a festy, right?

Finished Just In Time!

Finished assignment, handed in with a few spare minutes before deadline, am exhausted and just got home. Was really nice to see moo though and spend some time with her, have our little sleepover and got to hang out for a bit with the psych girls today. M has definitely got beach break ticket (Ellie Goulding is playing wooooooo am actually excited about that cause love her starry eyed song and her album is pretty good. Very summery and girly which will be nice for beach break) so we have a little crew of me, moo, M and K and will meet up with joey and S.G when we get there. Sooooooo looking forward to it! Ahhhh! My poor broken toe was soo painful all night and today and it looks weird, even mum said it just doesn’t look…right. It really fucking hurts but I am not sitting in A and E for hours only to be told they can’t do anything so go home. Bad times.

Now am going to bed

Memories Of The Summer

This just makes me think of the summer of 2006, just before uni. For about a month I lived at loverrs house while her parents were away and I think the majority of the time was spent drinking strongbow, playing endless tony hawk, trying to get each other to make noodles aha and both working at the nursery. It was the perfect summer. At one point, for a few days, the ex ex came and stayed (the beginning of his home troubles) and one night loverr went out, we stayed in and I just remember being in loverrs conservatory with this playing and we were sat all loved up and then ex ex got loverr’s dad’s guitar and played a little bit for me (swoon). A perfect night in a perfect summer. I don’t think I’ve ever been as chilled out as that summer with loverr.

Tony hawk, jokes

Random Brighton Trippage

Got a call from loverr yesterday afternoon, said she was headed up to Brighton to see people and that it was supposed to be a largish group going from london but loads of people had bailed so she thought she was going up alone which is when she said to come. So I did! Had nothing else to do this weekend and knew would have an awesome time so jumped in the shower, jumped on a train and met loverr, loverr’s boyf and crush boy (sigh) at the train station. The funniest thing was TV guy’s hometown is Brighton and he was actually there! So he came and met me for a drink at this pub place we went to. Random!

Had an awesome awesome night, totally got on it, had such a laugh and even ended up bagging the cotchy-est bed with loverr. Met and now totally understand loverr’s past (something to be said for cheeky lad), was really nice to see loverr’s sister and everyone. I always love hanging out in their group and they always make me feel so welcome. I know I can be a bit quiet around them but its cause I’m a shit conversationalist but also I love listening in to their worlds they get in to. Loz seemed particularly impressed that I just randomly got on a train and came to Brighton and to be honest I am as well, I loved being that spontaneous and I want to be able to do that more often. Ahahahaha levi jeans and bowls of tea, jokes.

Amazing weekend. Definitely have crush boy obsession though! Love it.

Bit of a hectic week, exam on monday which I think went pretty well actually, then TV guy, then research methods assignment, went to Asbo’s, then Brighton. Have missed out on so much sleep this week, I am totally shattered. More surreal times coming up this week, ex ex tomorrow, maybe TV guy on tuesday plus uni, job hunting and placement sorting.

Briiiiing it

Epicness Of The NYE

Went to Bournemouth to spend new years with moo, lezzer, asbo, joey and TV guy (friend of lezzer’s), drank for a bit at moo and lezzer’s and then moved on to Bliss. Was very fun, brought the new year in, in style. Got a bit annoyed cause Joey vanished so spent the last hour n half of my new year looking for her when was trying to have a laugh with moo and flirt with TV guy (who apparently told moo he liked the look of me). Then the only other blip was the fact asbo brought this guy shes sort of seeing back to moo’s after moo said no at about 7am.

Then had spoons breakfast the next morning with moo, joey and TV guy, wandered around a bit with joey and TV guy (got to know him a little more), got lezzer from work, went to get ingredients for a roastie which rob and TV guy lovingly prepared, joey went home and we all just sort of monged out in front of the TV.

So, TV guy. I don’t know what it is about him but I do quite like him, hes just a nice guy, sense of humor and easy to talk to. Kind of wish he saw something in me but always nice to make a new friend.

Anyway, epic win for NYE 2009, bring on 2010, lets see what happens this year!

So I knew the day was going to come when I’d find out that he’d been with someone else, I knew that he would get there before me cause I’ve never been that sort of girl but it still sucks, it still feels a bit crushing, it still hurts. I know that I’m over him and I would never want to be back with him but this was always going to suck wasn’t it? Anything to do with the ex sucks.

Excitement

Woooooooooooooooooo seeing my loverr christmas eve! Ahhhhhh thats tomoroooow! And then just got to get through christmas, finish up at work and then new years eve with my moo twin in bomooooooo! I’ve decided to stay there for a few days, totally going to have a little trek down to the beach, watch the waves. I might suggest a little beach drinkage actually, wrap up warm and take some hot mulled wine or something OMG genius plan! Be nice to have a few days away after the recent days I’ve been having.

I was thinking about spending new years in Southampton but I really want to see it in with my moo who is working in Bournemouth the next day plus, I know that mr ex chopper is in Southampton for nye and Would probably be where I was going to go and I so do not need to see him and then see him pulling someone at midnight. Nooo thank you! Which is going to upset Asbo buuut I’m hoping she’ll understand, especially as made bomo plans waaay before saying would think about Southampton. Hopefully Joey will come out to bomo as well, that would be fun. All I know is, I better end up getting with some fitty at midnight!! I’ve never had an amazing nye before but I’ve had interesting ones. I’m hoping this one will just be a lot of fun and drama free.

I’ve deleted his number, the ex ex, and any texts so I can’t get in touch anymore. I’m swapping one heart ache for another and I’m tired of adding shit to my life that means something to me and nothing to him. So to avoid temptation, his number has gone the same way as ex mr chopper’s. New year, new start, new me, new life. Thats all I’m after

Oh Moo

My moo twin has been left by her boyfriend like mine left me. Totally out of the blue, completely unexpected, left wondering and wondering.

I don’t understand why they do this. Apparently he hadn’t even thought about breaking up and then all of a sudden decided it was over, it would be the best thing for her, the best thing for him and that they should just be friends. Uni is too much right now, he might be moving to london in 8/9 months, the timing just isn’t right but maybe it will be.

The parallels between ex mr moo and ex mr chopper are heart rendering. I can’t bear the thought that shes feeling like I did, like I am. And it just brings it all back, all the hurt and pain and confusion. Even now though I feel slightly jealous of her, mr ex moo told her to her face and then instead of ignoring her text told her he would meet up with her if she wanted to talk about things. I would have given, would still give anything to have that option.

I feel like the worst friend in the world. She was so hesitant about going in to this, so worried she’d just get hurt but no no I said, its so obvious how much hes in to you, you can’t be scared of relationships, at least give it a try, hes a good guy. Basically all the things people told me about mr ex chopper. Again we were let down.

I understand now how moo felt with mr ex chopper. She said she was disappointed in him and I really get that. Mr ex moo promised me he wouldn’t do this to her, promised he was really in to her, promised that he would look after her. I fought his corner when she was freaking out about becoming involved with him, promised her he wasn’t like the others and he let me down. I am so angry at him and I want to tell him that, its a wonder moo, apart from one text, didn’t brain mr ex chopper.

I so wanted her to be happy. I so wanted a fairy tale ending for one of us. We are both so broken now from pathetic men, I never wanted it to be like that, I never wanted to give up hope. Especially moo, she has so much to give, she is so sorted and I trusted him not to ruin that. She trusted mr ex chopper not to ruin me.

Lesson learnt. You can’t trust an IMP