Those first I love you’s. The first ever I love you was, at the time, the best moment of my life. I was in love for the first time ever, had been yearning to hear it and when it happened I felt like I was light and thunder at the same time. When I think of that first I love you now it makes me smile at my younger self; I knew nothing about love at that time. And maybe that is when love is at its purest; when there are no other times to compare it to, no other times to make it seem jaded. Its easy to fall in love and believe its forever when you’ve never lost love before. The sad thing is, that first was so long ago, I don’t even remember how it happened. Does that make it less real? Less special? I remember my other ones. No, it took me a long long time to let go of my first and something that held on that strongly had to be real. I wish the ending hadn’t been that way, I wish it had just been a clean break. I wish I hadn’t given in that final time. Can’t change it now.
I remember my second I love you. The realisation of it was more special than the words. We both realised it at the same time, laying in bed having breakfast we both knew there was no where else we would rather be. We saw it in each others eyes. He was going to save it for a more romantic setting at the top of a roller-coaster but circumstances meant otherwise and it was just blurted out and stopped me from making a very silly decision. It was said out of frustration and love. That pretty much sums up the whole relationship really; frustrated love. This was my first real relationship and I don’t think I will ever be able to let him go.
My third I love you was the best one of all. This I love you came from the first relationship where I knew from the moment we met that he was it, the first relationship I fell completely and unequivocally without hesitation in love from the start. The first relationship where I was me and that was ok because he loved me. And he loved me as much as I loved him. This I love you happened because we were both bursting to say it. It happened on a night out that I was going to bail on. It happened after we had hardly seen each other but were fine because we knew the other one was around. This I love you made us forget the world, jump in a cab and race home to just be with each other.
This I love you still lingers with me, still breaks me sometimes. This was the first I love you that taught me sometimes passion can burn to bright; it can only be short lived before it burns you out
It actually started snowing today! Madness!
Today was a funny one; went to the Rabbit Creek Rifle Range and shot a few rounds from the new Glock toy! At first I wasn’t to sure about it, the power and ricochet was kind of scary and it hurt my hand but got in to the swing of it and I’ve got to say, there’s something addictive to the feeling of power you have when holding and shooting a gun. It also gave a real perspective on why guns are so lethal, just the sound of it going off was really heavy, solid and..final. Felt like such a bad ass aha.
I knew the only person who would really appreciate me with a gun would be the ex ex so I sent him a picture. First time we’ve had an email chat in a little while; made me miss home a bit. Been feeling a bit homesick recently, just for Moo and uni and life really. That’s not to mean that I’m not happy here or anything, I just miss the familiarity of back in England I think. I miss Ms.Julia Stiles as well, shes been gone for about a week back to school and life is definitely less interesting without her.
So I want to know what the fuck is wrong with my back. It is seriously the only thing that is upsetting me. The pain in my lower back is now constantly intense and because it hurts so much on my lower back, my upper back (shoulders) have gotten really tense and now hurt like hell as well. I’m walking like a hunchback, I’m constantly sitting with a heat pad, I can’t sleep, I can’t even sit in chairs anywhere for very long before everything just seizes up. It really really really hurts and no one knows why and no one can fix it. I’ve got some super duper painkillers but even they don’t take the pain away, they just dull it. Apart from that everything is gravy really!
Miss my love
I have nearly worked a full week at bear’s tooth now and am feeling a hell of a lot better at it and about it. I pretty much know what I’m doing now, people seem to be a lot friendlier, I have a much better grasp of the job and it isn’t actually to bad. I LOVE being able to be in my jeans all day, I am grateful for the free diet cokes, the stools behind the desk to sit on and being with someone as new as me! At first I wasn’t to sure if Ms.REI and I would get on but she’s pretty cool and puts me in my place when I need it (like when I’m getting frustrated or annoyed that I don’t know something or am cocking up she tells me to chill so I do). I finally took my food handler test today and aced it which was nice. Now I just need to get my permit and TAM card. For so long I have sort of avoided the whole growing up thing and all of a sudden I’m having to and moving here was the fucking point! I needed to grow up, I needed an environment that would push me to finally get things done, not just with my health which I have been or with the whole depression thing but with life skills like making my own money and driving and being involved with life. For so long I avoided new people and situations to the point where I was to scared to do that. Since I’ve been here I’ve interviewed for jobs, worked two different jobs, made new friends, been to parties where I didn’t know people; basically pushing my limits every single day. And it hasn’t been as horrible as I thought it would be, instead I’ve found that people actually do like me and I can make conversation without feeling like a dick and being a mute. I’ve found a really good friend. I’ve got employment for the next tourism season. I’m happy. Of course things aren’t perfect but I think me expecting perfection all the time was what caused my downfall. I wouldn’t ask for help so things would get completely beyond my capabilities. I thought that if things couldn’t be perfect then there was no point in trying. I pushed everyone away so they wouldn’t see me fall and so I wouldn’t drag anyone down with me. I lost love. I lost me before I even realised who ‘me’ was which was the shitest part really. Being here, pushing myself, being single and not having anyone to rely on to pull me through, to hide behind is probably the best thing for me.
I’m not fully there yet. I’m not even halfway there but I am making the steps. And it feels good
So the HAP season is nearly over, everyone is nearly gone and I have done two (minor, not complete) shifts at my new job as cashier at the Bear’s Tooth. So far? Kind of not loving it, there’s a lot to learn, a lot to take in, constantly on the move, totally being rushed through training (which I am being a bit of a failure at to be honest) and haven’t really made any sort of connection with anyone. The only people who have really deigned to talk to me are the team leader people cause they have to; they’re the ones training me. I’ve really been trying to be friendly and open to everyone I’ve run in to but so far I’ve just not impressed the beer puller at all, scared off a fellow cashier, pissed off the point person and been ignored by pretty much everyone else there. I think the fact that HAP, which is a job I’ve really loved doing, is over in a few days and then all the people I’ve met and friends I’ve made are going so I’m feeling just a little more fragile than usual and sad that I’m now going to be in a job with none of my people. I just also really don’t know if I can hack it in this one, there aren’t room for a lot of mistakes which just makes me feel really pressured and everyone just expects me to get on with it even though I don’t know what the fuck I am doing. Also been feeling really homesick, miss my moo, miss bournemouth, miss being a student, miss being able to be independent without it being to hard, miss life.
But I’ve made my mistakes and made my decision so got to stick to it I suppose