Something About You….

I don’t know what it is, but apparently, for some, there is something about me which makes the rules irrelevant and desire the only thing that matters. It’s sort of strange cause I don’t really get it, and it’s not like it works on the fucking people I want it to, but now two important people in my life have said it and then gone on to do things they wouldn’t with anyone else. I guess it only actually works on guys already in relationships though which is prob why I don’t have a significant other of my own. I just don’t get it. It’s like, and has been said, that with me it doesn’t count. I don’t count? Does it not count when it’s with someone you truly care about? Cause I’ve always been of the mind that it counts more when there are feelings involved. Does it not count when it’s with someone you’ve been with before? Do I just represent the freedom they long for and therefore it’s nothing to do with me per say at all. The ex ex said he likes to play with fire, so maybe being with me every so often actually strengthens his own relationship cause he’s gotten it out of his system. I know why with farmer boi, he’s wanted me for the past 10 or so years and with me being based in the US now, I think to him it was about the opportune moment. It really makes me wonder what these guys are missing from their lives that they seek solace in me? Is it things like this which make me hold back from a being in a relationship myself. Is everything doomed to end, does monogamy really work, is cheating inevitable, are breakups inevitable, does the loss of single freedoms ever get balanced or over-ruled by the stability of being with someone? Why bother when it’s just all going to end in tears. Are we all doomed to love the wrong person? All I wanted was ex mr chop and instead….yeah. All I still want is ex mr chop. I wish this ‘something’ bloody worked on him!!

I have a feeling that this trip home has succeeded in making me much more jaded than I was before

Consumed By Thoughts Of You

You told me that we had to be blocked from each other cause otherwise we would just keep messaging each other etc. You held strong for a while so why all of a sudden unblock me? Why make it obvious you have a girlfriend (so much for still thinking about me and not having a girlfriend since me etcbullshitetc) and then the same day, get rid of the evidence again? I’m probably reading waaay too much in to this to be honest. Maybe it means that he’s over it now and over me and having me blocked was pointless cause having me unblocked doesn’t make a difference to him. What ever the case may be, the second I realised he had made us visible to each other again, I blocked him.

I’m actually proud of myself. Usually I will block him for about a day and then unblock him and then the whole thing starts again, I do slight stalkage and then he will send a little message and then we get talking and then we end up in a bad place again. I guess either I’m growing up or I’m for a change putting my money where my mouth is and trying to move on. Its kind of sad that I can’t have him in my life at all, not even a small tiny part because it is way too painful and just makes me still hold on to the hope that maybe, somehow, some day, we will make it back to each other. It is this hope that keeps my feelings for him going and this hope that kills a part of me so I guess that this is what I’m now actively trying to get rid of.  I seriously do not want to let this go though and this is where the problems all stem from. Its harder to let go of something that you just want to cling tightly to. But loving a man who doesn’t love me back is not the life I want for myself. I don’t want to be like my mum and dad, I want to move on and be happy and to look back one day and think yeah, we had good and bad times and that’s all there is to it.

It is honestly taking every piece of will power I have to not unblock him. My insides are hurting, my heart is aching, my head is heavy but I am still holding strong.

I just want to talk to you