My head is really confused. In mexico I realised that the me and ex ex thing was soooooo fucking stupid and even thinking about him now disgusts me. I also realised that it would be nice to like someone again, to have those tummy flips and that I miss feeling that. And now I’m wondering maybe I stopped missing ex mr chop a long time ago and that I just miss the memory of being in love and of who we were. Having him back on my facebook hasn’t been the awful heartbreaking thing I thought it would be. Yeah some things have made me sad like facebook saving the past things we said to each other before. I clicked on ‘friend history’ and the whole lead up to us being together and a bit after is all there. It made me miss my friend too. And then today, for the first time since the day after he walked out, he started to talk to me over facebook chat. I’ve been dreading that a bit, every time I see him come up on my friends list its made me heart jump a bit. But it wasn’t actually bad, I didn’t feel sad or out of control. I felt more curious as to what was going to be said and it was just a typical boring conversation. He called me dudette which is what he use to call me before we got together and I wanted to reply with cuntchops because thats what I would have said back in the day but I didn’t cause….were not those people anymore, we don’t have that relationship anymore. I think I’m finally, really, getting to the point where I am realising I really do need to move on. I haven’t wanted to because letting myself have feelings for someone else means really saying goodbye to him and its been hard cause I’ve been comparing every guy I meet to him and coming up with stupid reasons to not be with them. Moo is moving on, treacle is moving on, ex mr chop moved on, the ex ex moved on. I need to move on as well.
It’s time. Isn’t it?
So I added him. I accepted the little friend request thing and moo is livid and I know I’ve probably hurt her feelings cause I didn’t listen to her which is shit of me. But I did try not to. And It’s not as if I can’t get rid of him again. And I’m not going to bitch about anything I see to her. And this one will be on me at the end of the day.
And I’m a stupid masochistic ass. Good morning!
Here’s the thing. I know that I am still obsessive over where it went wrong and what happened and how I still have feelings for him. I know that he does not think or feel in the same way. And I now know that my whole charade of ‘I’m over you’ obviously worked. But to someone who knows me, really knows me, they always see through that. They know I’m just putting on a show and they try to not mention anything that will hurt me or even bring him up. I know it’s been nearly a year and half since he left. I realize in that time I should be so over this by now that I’m happy with someone else. However, I’m not and people who know me, know I’m not. I know it’s been nearly a year and a half but I haven’t really changed; not as a person, not how I think or feel about things. So why doesn’t he know this? He’s supposed to know me inside out, even if it has been a year and half. So why doesn’t he? And if he does, which I really really think he does, why send me that sort of message? A message to tell me he thinks about me, a message acting like he cares, a message with a link to a song where the basic premise is a guy who is in love with a girl and wants to be with her. A guy who knows that they’re made for each other and not made for each other but wants to be with this girl anyway. Apparently this song came on and reminded him of me. Yeah? In what way exactly? Basically all that’s happened is I randomly popped in to his head momentarily and he decided on a whim to send me a message and friend request. Cause apparently we are ready to be ‘friends’ now. When the fuck did that happen?? When he told me my life was shit? When he ignored my email of friendship? When he walked past me and barely acknowledged my existence? Oh yeah, were all set to be the best of buds now aren’t we? You asshole. Everlong. Of course. Fucking Pandora. Why do I still think I know him? Why do I still think he knows me? Why be ‘friends’? I mean really, I’m in Alaska. It’s a bit fucking late to try with each other. Although I suppose this is why he’s doing this, cause it can give the appearance of being the good guy and wanting to put all the bullshit aside and be mates again but because we are both so far away from each other, he doesn’t actually have to put any effort in, there are no consequences and there is no fear of running in to each other. In the part of me that still loves him and daydreams about him turning up at the door to proclaim his love and severe stupidity, I imagine that he’s reaching out because he wants to make that daydream a reality. In the part of me that deals with reality, I am bitterly confused and tired. I don’t want to ruin the ex mr chop in my head who is my forever but the ex mr chop in real life makes it really hard sometimes. Which isn’t fair, the fantasy ex mr chop is all I have left.
On the bright side, Mexico in 3 days, woooooooooooooop