So Lame

I’m still pissed off but mainly I’m just sad. I thought something like this would happen and then after what happened with farmer boi the other night I knew that my karma was shot to hell as well. Even if that was a beautiful night with farmer boi which was a ‘what if’ that I’m glad I won’t have hanging over my head for the rest of my life. He made me feel beautiful and loved and I haven’t had that in a very very long time. It’s shit that even that amazing night still doesn’t stop me from being sad over ex mr chop but I guess as much as I love farmer boi, ex mr chop really is going to be the what if of my life and there is really nothing anymore to be done about it. Takes two to make the what if go away. All I wanted was a chance to see him and talk! All I wanted was some truth to the things he’s said to me! Part of me thinks maybe he did this on purpose. Maybe he actually couldn’t handle seeing me, that it would be to hard, and so he pushed me away on purpose. The other part of me is much more sure that he just ultimately didn’t give a shit and there it is. Usual behaviour from ex mr chop where he talks the talk because he gets bored and then when it comes time to put action to his words, he doesn’t because what he was chatting was bullshit in the first place.

My head is all over the place anyway thanks to farmer boi. So maybe one less distraction is what I need for my poor little bruised heart. Even if the fates have let me down, even if destiny isn’t what I thought it would be.

Good thing I know that I have a distraction waiting for me back in AK

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Dreams

Had one of those dreams last night that felt so real I woke up this morning convinced it had happened. Which is shit cause now I’m just feeling the full effect of how much I miss ex mr chop and so I get to spend today forcing it all back down again. Wicked. I just wish I could talk to him, the him he was before. I really do hope he doesn’t go without saying goodbye.

Was going through my files (keep getting a scary ‘your mac is full’ message) and of course got to the picture files. I think I’ve looked at the Alaska pictures twice cause I just can’t look at them and not be confused. They don’t look like forced happiness but I suppose they are and thats just something I can’t handle. But decided to look today, I feel like I’ve come a long way since he left and so thought it would be ok. It was and it wasn’t. They reinforced me missing him by a lot which was hard. But I could also laugh at them as well, him playing with lil sis, posing behind dad when fishing, kfc, bbq-ing a shit load of chicken (I wish he could have seen me bbq chicken, he’d have been proud!), catching the biggest damn fish in the lake, dads amazing boat driving skills ahahahahahahahaha that was jokes, moose antler toilet rolls holder, posing next to stuffed bears and moose. I wish we’d have gone on the glacier cruise, now those would have been some immense pictures. Well at least I know my happiness was genuine, I suppose thats what matters.

Fucking dreams

No Words

Well, last night and today have been just a little bit shit. I would wish that things could be different, better, easier. But there’s no point cause they won’t be. I would wish that he could understand things without letting his own, wrong, judgements and interpretations get in the way first. But he thinks his way and I think mine. I would wish that we could hear each other. But thats not really something he ever wanted, he just wanted to make sure that on the off chance we ran in to each other (don’t know why he’s worried when its been 5/6 months and it hasnt happened) that it wouldn’t be ‘awkward’.

I understand he was trying to be nice with his first message but he needs to understand thats not how it was going to come across. When someone isn’t in your life for months at a time, made it very clear that they don’t want your friendship and sent messages out to the world about how shit it was being with you, a random nice text out of the blue is not going to make sense and is going to seem suspicious and a little fake. That might not have been the intention but that is how it came across.

But the last comment was way way out of line and way way harsh. You don’t tell someone going through a really difficult time, someone who has dark thoughts and is in a black place, that their life is shit and that they hope it doesn’t get better.

I’m scared that what he said is going to come true and I’m scared that I don’t care if it does

The Room Is Spinning

Want to vom and then sleep and then vom and then sleep a bit more but have so much assignment work to do. Which will start once the world is standing still again.

Drank a bottle and a half of wine to myself last night. In an attempt to escape from the world, which didn’t really happen, I just got mad and upset. Mad at ex mr chopper, mad at myself, upset at myself.

Had a nice dinner at TV guys and then a really surprisingly good time afterwards but I just don’t think I was really ready. So then I did the worst possible thing and left really quickly, phoned loverr, got more upset and did the ultimate in girly recoveries and bought wine and chocolate (and some fake kfc), hid in moo’s room and downed the lot. By the time moo got back I was very very drunk, swinging the almost empty wine bottle around, we went to get her some food and I was walking down the street shouting my head off, throwing around this bottle. Poor moo. She had to help me cross the road and everything. Aha. Oh and then I emailed ex mr chopper asking him to take the picture of me off cause it upset me, not the blog, just the picture and instead of just saying yeah sure and leaving it he actually tried to argue with me and then blocked me from seeing the blog and said that was good enough. Such a douche. Then finally saying he had deleted it but who knows if he’s telling the truth. I just didn’t understand why he had to be so difficult about it! I wasn’t asking a lot, I wasn’t trying to have a conversation or anything, I literally wanted that picture gone. I was even truthful about how I knew about it cause he asked so I don’t understand why he had to then be so insensitive about it. Whatever, it just goes to show that he may be ‘blogging’ his experiences but what he wrote in the one about me was a load of shit, if he meant any of it he wouldn’t have put up such a fuss about a picture.

Am feeling the effects now though. Dizzy, sick, headache, guilt. All present.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh my heeeeaaaaaaad

Christmas

So here comes the end of my first christmas since I was 15 where I’ve been single. To be honest, it hasn’t really hit me till right now, after hearing what presents friends got from boyfriends, stories of christmas lovin’. I mean, it wasn’t horrible, it was nice to not have to worry about presents for the boyf, running about spending time with my family and then his or missing him and spending all day feeling like I was going stir crazy cause I wanted to see him. It felt like there was less pressure on the day which actually meant not one single family blow up for a change.

I got a nice haul this year, perfume, dress, twilight shirt (funnily enough I got mum an edward mug and she got me a team jacob shirt aha), cosmo subscription, skull candy headphones (thank god, mine were so busted), animal print bag. Good times!

I did miss waking up beside the guy I’m in love with on christmas morning. I missed watching bad christmas films, cuddling up. I missed him. It is nice to have a partner at christmas.

But even nicer to be single for new years =D

Pink

Just watching coverage of the Pink Funhouse tour I saw with ex mr chopper, his bro, Asbo and Joey.

Such good times. Fact.

Pink is well fit as well, I would!! Was so excited to go see her, I remember getting a random text while at work from ex mr chopper saying he’d gotten tickets, went screaming all the way from the staff room to the shop floor. And then actually being there, was so happy to be there with ex mr chopper and felt so in love. Was so amazingly happy that he did that for me, that he felt I was worth it, worth the surprise, worth the experience.

Kind of painful to listen to that album now though, ‘Time makes it harder, I wish I could remember, That last kiss, I cherish, Until we meet again, My Darling, What happened, Who knew’.

Deserve It

I know I know I know I deserve it. But I miss him, the ex ex. So much. I tried, I failed. Again. Again, again. Back to fantasising, back to real life, back to feeling sad.

Moan moan, I realise thats all I do. I am grateful for some things in my life, I’m grateful for my friends, I’m grateful for my supportive mum, I’m grateful that I still haven’t really given up on finding love and happiness.

I just wish I could have had the hindsight to avoid where I am now!

Ever thine, Ever mine, Ever ours

Hear me

I just want to be heard. I just want to be told its ok. I don’t mean to cause any hurt or upset.

I’m not a bad person. I am not a selfish person. I’ve made mistakes and I haven’t always chosen the best path but I’ve tried. Why is it ok for other people to be fucked up but not me? Why is it ok for other people to be affected by things that have happened in their lives except me? I realise that its been in the past few years I’ve made the most mistakes but what about the other years? The other years and years I wasn’t making mistakes, the years that I carried so much weight with me. Even in the past few years, a lot of the mistakes I’ve made have been to benefit someone else. Selfish? I wish I had been thinking selfishly cause then I wouldn’t be in as much mess as I am. Selfish? I wouldn’t have fought the battles I have. Selfish? I wouldn’t have kept the secrets I have. Selfish? I’d have put myself first, not said things to make others happy, not let myself fall. Inconsiderate? Irresponsible? Always had things my way? Really? I not only consider everyone else’s feelings, I do it to the point of always putting everyone above myself. I would never do anything to hurt someone, I would never make other people make choices that would hurt them or harm others. I know what shes talking about, shes talking about summers and winters away, the fact I fought to make them happen. She thinks I did this to hurt her. This is why I get so angry at my brother, I’ve had to do all the fighting for things he wanted as well but because he doesn’t have a back bone, its looked like I’ve been forcing him to my decisions.

I don’t understand why it always has to come down to picking one parent over the other. Its never been anything to do with that. Its to do with the fact that me and my brother need our mum and our dad, not one or the other. Its not fair that weve always had to choose. Its never been about preferring one over the other, its never been about thinking one is better then the other. Its always been made to be a fucking competition when we just want to have both in our lives.

Of course as a single mum its been hard, harder because of lack of child support, harder because shes always loved him and not gotten over him. Yeah he hasn’t been the best dad in the world or the most supportive but he hasn’t been near the worst either. He lets us know he loves us, he lets us know that if we need him he will try his hardest. I know he hurt her but hes still our dad and I don’t want to have the same relationship with him that she had with her dad or even that he had with his dad. I’m not excusing his behavior, the cheating, the stubbornness and short temper which I’ve inherited, I’m just choosing to work at having a relationship and not be consumed by anger or bitterness. Just like mum has made mistakes as well but I don’t work at being angry at how she chose to cope with things, I choose to try and see her perspective and to get over it. Lack of communication is a big thing in our family. I do feel like I can’t rely on mum emotionally because she doesn’t believe in herself emotionally.

Shes a great mum but sometimes it can be really hard to open up to her. Especially when I try and its like she doesn’t believe me, bringing me back to why I seem to be the only person who isn’t supposed to be affected by things in the past or present. As all mums, she has the greatest ability to make me feel shit about myself and I know she would say the same about me. I just wish she could have a little perspective, I’ve never been a wild child, a drunk, a druggie, gotten pregnant, a chav, violent, abusive. I’ve never trashed the house, I’ve never called her names. I’ve tried protecting her from things I know would really hurt her, I’ve backed her up when my brother walked out, I’ve supported her even if it meant hurting my dad. I chose not to go to my dads wedding because I knew it would really hurt mum, even though I did want to go, just to support dad nothing else, I didn’t and it meant my brother didn’t and that still hurts dad to this day.

I’m not saying that these things make her a bad mum, at all! I’m just saying I wish she could see that I’m not a bad daughter either. And right now I’m just making a choice based on what I feel could be a really good move for me. She needs to realise I’m not doing this to hurt her. I’m doing it to save me so that I can be a better person, make better choices, be a better daughter for her, someone she can be proud of. I don’t want to be the burden and the bad person she thinks I am. I don’t want to be the failure I see myself as. This isn’t about her not being a good enough mum or supportive enough or that she hasn’t done enough. Its about the mistakes and choices I’ve made that have brought me here.

I just wish she could see that. I just wish she could say I support you, take this opportunity, use its full potential and come back the strong successful person we all know you are and can be. At the end of the day, whats it going to hurt to try?

Ergh

Ok I take it back, it hurts like fuck that he doesn’t give a shit. I so thought I would mean at least something. God I fucking hate myself for caring about people when they don’t even give my existence a second thought. I’m so tired of it. I’m a good fucking person and I deserve more.

😦

Why Am I Surprised?

So mr ex chopper couldn’t have cared less. I don’t know why I’m surprised. I sort of thought he at least still cared about me a little but I really understand now that even though I miss him as my friend, even though I still care that he’s ok, he just couldn’t give a flying shit about how I am. I tell him I have this health stuff, he doesn’t even ask if I’m ok. I tell him I’m leaving, nothing. I didn’t expect a massive reaction but I guess I thought if I still cared about him as a friend, he would feel the same. He called me his soulmate not that long ago and now instead of showing a little empathy he bugs me over more old house stuff. Yeah cya Kate, before you go can you worry over this old shit? Thanks.

I’m so disappointed in him and in myself for thinking he’s a good caring person. I forgot how selfish he actually is and I feel like I let myself down for not seeing that and for ever loving someone like that.

I’m done. I’m not even going to be sad about it. I’m just done.