What I Want To Say To You

I think trying the whole friends thing has been a mistake. Do you see it? We seem to constantly be commenting on each others things. We talk to each other in the way that started this whole mess. We still use our inside jokes. I know this doesn’t mean anything to you, I know that you won’t understand why I think we need to stop now. I wasn’t hurting, at first. I wasn’t back to missing you deep in my core. I have a chance to really actually move on but all I can think about is you. All I can do is look at your pictures and think how I know that face, I know that smile and I’m back to being confused. Confused on why we aren’t together. I feel that empty hurt and loneliness that I did when you left; that loneliness that eats away at everything and its not fair cause I really have been working on fixing it. I know that when you said you loved me and that I was your soulmate, that you probably thought that you meant it and this is the problem. When you said those things I don’t think you really understood what you were saying and so didn’t really mean it. I don’t think this was on purpose, I just think that you were caught up in the moment. So the problem is, when I said that I loved you, when I said that you were the one, I meant it with everything I had. I still mean it. I DON’T WANT TO MEAN IT ANYMORE! I am SO TIRED of meaning it! FUCK YOU FOR BEING OK. FUCK YOU FOR GETTING OVER IT DAYS AFTER YOU LEFT. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME THINK YOU WERE FOREVER. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME THINK YOU WERE DIFFERENT. FUCK YOU FOR LEAVING. FUCK YOU FOR MESSING WITH MY HEAD AFTER YOU LEFT. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FOR COMING BACK IN TO MY LIFE.

Fuck me for letting you

Lets Not Have A Repeat, Yeah?

ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod WHAT AM I DOING??? I’m letting myself have feelings for someone else?? Really?? An American of all people?? A fucking soldier of all people!

Last time I attempted something with someone new was tv guy and that turned in to the most epic of all epic fails. I literally could not bare to be around him in the end and the one time I somehow found myself having sex with him, I totally freaked!! I literally ran away and had to be calmed down by moo. If that happens here with him, what the fuck am I going to do?? There’s no moo, there’s no person to run to, there’s no one to stop me crying. If it turns out like last time I swear I’m going to give up all together. And what if I’m just a conquest? Someone finally lays the British girl? I mean, I think if its just about that then hes going through a lot of effort, we have been talking every single day and making plans for the summer and hes trying to sort his leave around when best to see me. So it can’t just be about the sex thing, right?

And then there’s the other awful thing. What if I do really like him. What if we do really get on and have real feelings for each other. I haven’t had real feelings for anyone since ex mr chop, I haven’t wanted to. It will mean really letting go and not having in him my heart anymore. Its so sad. So very sad babe that sometimes I don’t know how to handle it still.

I’m excited and scared shitless. I don’t know what to do