Window To The Soul

The saying goes that the eyes are the window to the soul. I personally think that’s a bunch of bollocks, mass consumption of alcoholic beverages are the eyes to the soul. Think about it, in all relationships when you go out drinking with your partner, you are one of three types of couple. There is the new couple who haven’t been together very long, tend to be all over each other and drunkenly get in to the ‘you’re so wonderful, no you’re so wonderful’ type of conversation. The next type are those who have been together a while and have, at that moment in time, no issues or unresolved arguments and so are able to function as normal members of society. Then there is lovely couple number three who start off ok, then argue about something small and then culminate in to the girlfriend crying in the corner and  the guy…well generally he’s just confused.

Boyf and I are luckily in the first category at the moment (as opposed to the third stage which, having done that A LOT already, I am more than happy to stay away from). Except that he was drunk off his tits and I was sober, which was fine cause it means I had enough wits about me to ask the questions that I haven’t yet and get him to open up to me in a way he hasn’t yet. This would probably be called manipulation by some and by some I mean guys.

I have been worried a lot about the future and this is partly due to how I was screwed over before in the past and partly because I am a long term thinker who likes to be prepared. Knowing boyf goes away really soon makes my stomach clench and I’ve been thinking a lot about it and what is going to happen between us, am I going to hear from him, is he going to miss me, does he want us to break up before he leaves, is this thing with me and him not as real as I think it to be cause in his head does he have an expiration date on us…the crazy goes on and on an on. So as is my habit, when he drunkenly said that I’m the only girl he thinks about, I automatically went uh huh, yeah right. He did not appreciate that at all and started a big ol’ drunk speech about how it’s true, how much I mean to him, how much he likes me, how he has never felt this way about a girl,  how amazing I am yadayada. Nice to hear but then he started talking about the summer and I did actually say to him a few times that I didn’t want to talk about that right then cause he was drunk and I would just have a hard time believing that he meant anything. Again, he didn’t seem to appreciate that and went for it anyway. Fine by me so I put it out there, the things I’ve been thinking about and he told me he didn’t want to break up and didn’t want to lose me, that the PDA stuff isn’t about being ashamed of me or anything and that he is trying, he just feels uncomfortable as if people are judging him or something, that he really likes having me around. He knows that I’m really nervous about having this relationship with him because of past shiz and seems like he really wants to show me that he’s not like that. He kept saying how he’s not going anywhere and would never intentionally hurt me. Which I shot down actually, I told him that generally people don’t intend to hurt other people but it happens and it can happen badly and that scares me.

I wonder if arch enemy had to counsel the ex ex through any of this stuff? Hmm.

I told him that he needs to meet me halfway with the PDA thing because it is important to me. I told him that he needs to worry less about having issues because we all fucking have them, it’s not just him. I told him that its a really big deal for me to be trying with him and that makes him special. That he never has to feel uncomfortable with me because I won’t ever judge him and its true, I’m not going to write him off when I am chock-a-block full of my own mound of issues. I said that I like just being with him and he seemed kind of surprised at that, I don’t think he thought that I like him just for him, that obviously yeah I do a bit but mainly for the sex I guess? Which made me kind of mad, look at how hard I work trying to spend time with him in situations where there is no way we could hook up. But then look at how I tend to have to flake on situations where he just wants me to hang out with him and his friends. Not because I don’t want to be there but generally family responsibilities. Like tonight, I feel so bad!! He got this game in and I way encouraged him to get people over to play and enough people to do teams, he did, it ended up being a couples night and I was actually looking forward to it but after all the drama dad is going through, it was more important for me to bail and spend some time with dad. He was totally understanding and I know that his family would come first for him, I just feel bad that once again his girlfriend is totally letting him down. Last night was this event his Engineering society was doing and he said that I should come but I had the kids and then I didn’t have the kids but I still hadn’t showered or anything so I said that I’d meet them at the bar and when I get there, every guy had his girlfriend who had shown up to the event in support and they were all dressed up in cocktail dresses and there I am, late and in jeans! (skinnies but still!). And then I bail on tonight?? Bad girlfriend. Ergh, guilt!! It was kind of awkward actually, everyone kept saying how next year I should come and what are our future plans, is he going to come to Seattle with me when I go to Law school, would he go to England with me. We were looking at each other like ummm we’ve been official for a few weeks, who the fuck knows?? Gah, people!

In the end it was a good night. I actually had his good friend that it’s not only nice to see him with someone but for him to be with someone as nice as me. It always helps to have friend approval!

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No More Bullshit

So I’ve thought a lot about everything that’s been going on and I’ve had some really good talks with moo and I’m just going to be honest with myself at the very least.

I really like new boyf. Like, really like him. I like him being around and I kind of miss him when hes not. I’ve been really scared about this because to have real feelings for him and really want to put myself out there again is a scary concept. I’ve been comparing us to past relationships for two reasons; I’ve been freaking out and its my habit to try and use past feelings to hide behind so I don’t have to admit to new ones and also because I am actually trying not to make the same mistakes but I feel like actively looking at my past mistakes might lead me down that road again. Erghhhh I don’t know. I have a feeling I am more in to him than he is in to me which is fine, it just also sucks cause I’m exhausting myself making sure we see each other at uni and I feel like he thinks it always a coinkydink when its not. I swear, if I didn’t make this effort than we really would never see each other. I feel like I’m ready to forgive a lot cause he’s young and never done this before. But I’ve made excuses like that before so I guess we’ll see. His beautiful willy helps his cause!

Strange Strange Times

Boyfriend. I haven’t had a real honest to god boyfriend since ex mr chop. It feels really weird to be honest, I’ve been single for so long and fought against having feelings for anyone so hard, that to have given in and let go gives me the sensation of falling. I know I really like him, obviously since I’m in a relationship with him, I just don’t know if I like him enough for it to really go anywhere or if I like him enough for it just to be something for now. In the back of my mind all I can think about is the summer and whats the point in becoming invested in someone who is going away for 3-4months in about 2months? Were too new, were not strong enough to survive a long distance thing, I don’t even think I believe in long distance things. Or am I just doing my usual look ahead and freak thing. Should I just be enjoying this for what it is for as long as I have it and not worry about whats to come. Thing is I’ve never been like that, I always look ahead to judge whether something is right for me and worth my time. Hes never had a serious girlfriend or even a longish term girlfriend. That’s all I’ve ever been! I don’t know how to have a non-serious relationship but I don’t think that’s what he wants? I’m still not one to make a guess at what he wants from me or is thinking, I still don’t really know him. We still don’t really know each other. Except sometimes I think he knows me better than I think he does whereas I feel like I only know surface stuff about him. I thought he wouldn’t want to publicise our relationship and instead he was hurt cause he thought that it was me who didn’t want to. I thought he was only in it for sex and instead he’d been waiting for me to show interest in taking it to the next level. He knows what coffee I drink, I don’t know his?! That was a surprise. He knew I was hanging yesterday and found me in the library and had gotten me my coffee. I was shocked. I didn’t realise he’d been paying that close attention.  I already feel like a bad girlfriend and we’ve only been official for about a week!!

I’m just so scared. I’m scared of hurting him, I’m scared of letting him down, I’m scared of becoming attached to him, I’m scared that I won’t meet his expectations of me, I’m scared that I’m so use to being single and alone and independent that I won’t be able to be a girlfriend. I even tried scaring him off already by being all ‘being a boyfriend is a totally different set of responsibilities blah blah’. No dice. I’m also wondering if I’m trying to use this to hurt ex mr chop. The whole nany nany boo boo, I win, I’ve moved on with a real relationship. Except is it a real relationship if I’m using it as a victory or is that a natural after effect, the whole winning thing. I know I need to chill out and relax about this whole thing, I know I do. I just can’t help it, I hate not knowing, I hate how unsure about things I still am. The whole non-pda thing is not helping either. I am a person who makes a connection through being physical. We haven’t had sex in an age and now I can’t cause I’m on my fucking cycle (on one hand phew on the other, irritating as fuck) and at uni I’m so unsure how to be around him. I can’t be affectionate, I can’t be physical. I don’t even get hugs. I’m not asking for him to eat me out in the middle of the library, I’m not asking for make out sessions, I don’t even want the whole hand holding thing (which yeah, would also be nice once in a while). But a hug? A hand on the knee? Something, anything?! That would be nice. I don’t know how I’m supposed to build a connection with him if I can’t physically connect with him.

Or this is all just really stupid and I’m making problems out of nothing so I can feel justified in pushing him away.

Self Fulfilling Prophecy

I like the concept of self fulfilling prophecy, it gives me as an individual a lot more say over what happens in my life than fate or destiny. It means I can change it from being one thing to being another. Before, with university, I chose to fuck up. I didn’t choose oh I want to fuck up, I just made decisions that lead me to fuck up. And then after some time of fucking up, that’s all I thought I could accomplish. Since being back at university, I’m discovering that actually, not so much of a fuck up. I’ve  achieved all A grades, all high percentages, apart from in maths. So maybe instead of thinking well I’m shit at maths and always have been, I do actually need to change my attitude, change my self perception and actually get on the deans list like I said I would. Hmm. Interesting thought.

Course once one area of life is going well, the rest falls apart. I’m going to need to beg for some extended time on my bills or default. I need to sort out that magazine thing. Mexican man really needs to either step up or step out. I’m running out of insulin which means I’m going to have to start paying for it. Not happy with my body at all. And my mother fucking period is taunting me cause I can feel it but its still not here so I’m on edge. My skin is awful (another period sign. Thanks mother nature).

Need to step up my game, beginning to lag I think

 

Is There Such A Thing?

Had a facebook message from ex mr chop today ‘Honest drunk question. Have you (since breaking up) had sex as good as we had when together?? Cause tbf its gona be hard to beat lol Because we were awesome dans la sack haha xx’. Firstly, is there such a thing as an ‘honest’ drunk question? Cause generally there are motives behind asking questions, especially when drunk and all reminiscing. I mean, I’m pretty sure what happened here was a drunk horny ex mr chop saw me on facebook chat, remembered that yes, we did have pretty great sex and decided to bring it up. I also think he was probably hoping for a reply along the lines of ohh nooo you are the bestest everrr!

Ok so truthfully yes, the sex I had with him was the best sex I’ve ever had, no I haven’t had sex that even comes close since we finished. Was I going to admit that to him? Fuck no! Fuck no I’m not going to boost his shitty fucking ego up and make him think that I miss him in any sort of way. Back in the day I’d have totally told the truth in the hopes that he’d be all happy and somehow we’d end up in the getting back together conversation. I didn’t want to be mean either so I just laughed it off and was like yes and no. Which is a lie wrapped in the truth. There have been instances of really good sex but what ex mr chop doesn’t understand is, for me, the sex with him was only so amazing because it wasn’t just great sex, it was great sex with someone I was so in love with. It was great sex with my best friend who I believed was as in love with me as I was with him. Sex for me isn’t just about the act. What makes it great for me is how I feel about that person. Which is why I haven’t had anything that is comparable; I haven’t been with someone that I feel as or more strongly for.

So now yeah, I feel all achy and sad. It really hurts my feelings that he can’t not do this, can’t not take it too far, can’t just leave what we were alone. It doesn’t hurt him in the same way because he didn’t feel the same things that I did and he knows this, how many times have we tried being ‘friends’ until he just has to go and ruin it all? I guess he will never understand why he needs to leave certain things alone for the exact reason that it doesn’t affect him in the same way and if I want to be ‘friends’ I will just have to put up with it and accept that. Even if it hurts. Why do I have to though? Put up with it? To show I’m over it? How is that fair? Shouldn’t we be friends on equal terms? I’m just tired of always being the one who has to say stop cause it hurts.

Meh

Oh No

I didn’t think I did but I might, just might, care about mexican man. Oh no oh no oh no oh no. I don’t want feelings for him! Its a completely impossible situation, there is no time to have a boyfriend, there is no want of a boyfriend, there is no desire on his end to become a boyfriend. This all came about today after I tried to get rid of the exclusive thing by having a talk and instead, as I was talking, realised that I don’t want to get rid of the exclusive thing, that I like the exclusive thing and actually what I want is for him to want to be my boyfriend so that I have a legit reason to get closer to him. Maybe. Still on the fence about this. I felt like I might have hurt his feelings today. I’m so wary about putting any sort of pressure on him, I don’t want him to feel obligated to me in any sort of way at all, even in a small way. Because ex mr chop blamed me for him choosing me over other things. Because I tried to get the ex ex to choose me from the start of the relationship and I think it pushed him away (note: I don’t take responsibility to ex mr chop cause I was always trying to get him to hang out with his friends, I never made him feel bad about choosing shit over me and I even heard after we broke up that people thought he was a bad friend cause he was always bailing on shit). So yeah, I’ve learned my lesson that the more apparent it is that you want to be an important person to someone, the less likely it is to happen. So now its all about keeping my cards close to my chest and letting it be all their idea. I’m just worried that maybe I’m never going to be important enough for a guy to make me a priority. Which is kind of the point I was trying to get across to mexican man; if its never going to be anything serious, then what is the point to being exclusive? I couldn’t get out exactly what I wanted to say though cause its harsh and there is so much back-story to why I’m thinking and feeling like this.

I don’t make him laugh. Its like how it was with the ex ex, we have stuff to talk about but I don’t really make him laugh. I made ex mr chop laugh, we made each other laugh a lot. I miss that. Its really hard to banter with someone who is from a different culture, who doesn’t get Brit humour or sarcasm. But that’s fine, ex mr chop is the only guy I’ve ever been with who actually made me laugh so I’m not judging from that. I am worried that I don’t make him laugh though?

What am I doing again?