Relevance Of The Past

I can’t help but compare what I’ve had before with what I have now. I know its not fair because this is a totally different situation with a totally different guy. I think I’m unfixable. I’m so confused.

I take that back, I am way fucking confused

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This

I miss this. Being this happy. With every sort of crush and every sort of run in I have with a new guy, I think I’m over this. But then I realise that all those run ins do is remind me. Of being this happy and this in love. Dating is awful. I don’t want guys who will whip out their dicks and post them on craigslist. I don’t want any of these guys who are so fucking disrespectful and think not only is it funny but that it also works. I just can’t stand the dating world, I can’t stand the people in it. I love banter but don’t call me a slut and expect me to get down on my hands on knees for you. Sorry, I don’t just sleep around, its not in my nature.

I know you miss me to. I wish you would just talk to me

Dream Land

So I had this dream the other night. In this dream I think I was somewhere in the UK. At the beginning I was in the bears tooth I think and  then I was in Tesco with mum. Finally I think I was in a mix of the West Quay and Dimond Mall and it was there that I ran into ex mr chop and instead of just walking past me; pretending I wasn’t there, he stopped and smiled. He smiled at me and asked how I was, how was I doing. He said it seemed like I was doing really well for myself and he gave me that smile, the one that let me know he was actually happy to see me, the smile that use to make me melt, feel like I was home and finally safe. It was the smile that would make me breathe a sigh of relief because he was finally with me again. The best thing about that smile wasn’t because of these reasons. It was because I knew he smiled because he was feeling all the same things. So, he gave me that smile and started to walk away but he was looking back and I knew he didn’t want to leave so I ran after him and said we should meet up the next day and he said yeah we should and looked straight in to my eyes and I knew everything was going to be ok. I woke up feeling light and happy and I realise now its because I woke up in love. I didn’t really think about why I felt so happy until I was driving to work and remembered that it had just been a dream and I was crushed. I honestly felt the loss of that dream with my whole heart.

I always miss him. In the back of my mind I’m aware of that but I don’t really think about it. This dream though, was so sharp and vivid, it was like a mental kick and everything I crush down every day just came straight to the surface. Sometimes I think my mind hates me; sometimes I feel like I’m serving a punishment that will never end.

Most of the time I can crush all  this down, forget its there, forget everything. Not always though. When its at its worst, when I slip up and forget to cover the cracks, I’m aware of a continuous muffled screaming. At first I don’t know what it is, I’m confused until I remember. Its me. Its that part of me thats bound to him and shes screaming for him to save her. She doesn’t really believe hes gone, that hes never coming back. She knows they are forever and she won’t stop screaming until he comes back. Shes loyal to him, she will never give up on him. It breaks my heart because I know the truth, I know he is not coming back, I know his forever was bullshit but its like nothing will get that through to her. It sucks and is such shit that she is really me, she is really that stupid hopeful part of me that will never give up.

And then there will be that magical lull where I have forgotten. It can be for an hour or a day or a few days of bliss where I just don’t care. Writing about it helps to, its like I can get it all out and feel peaceful for a bit. I just wish my heart didn’t still feel him, like he is actually here with me. That would be nice

I Remember

Those first I love you’s. The first ever I love you was, at the time, the best moment of my life. I was in love for the first time ever, had been yearning to hear it and when it happened I felt like I was light and thunder at the same time. When I think of that first I love you now it makes me smile at my younger self; I knew nothing about love at that time. And maybe that is when love is at its purest; when there are no other times to compare it to, no other times to make it seem jaded. Its easy to fall in love and believe its forever when you’ve never lost love before. The sad thing is, that first was so long ago, I don’t even remember how it happened. Does that make it less real? Less special? I remember my other ones. No, it took me a long long time to let go of my first and something that held on that strongly had to be real. I wish the ending hadn’t been that way, I wish it had just been a clean break. I wish I hadn’t given in that final time. Can’t change it now.

I remember my second I love you. The realisation of it was more special than the words. We both realised it at the same time, laying in bed having breakfast we both knew there was no where else we would rather be. We saw it in each others eyes. He was going to save it for a more romantic setting at the top of a roller-coaster but circumstances meant otherwise and it was just blurted out and stopped me from making a very silly decision. It was said out of frustration and love. That pretty much sums up the whole relationship really; frustrated love. This was my first real relationship and I don’t think I will ever be able to let him go.

My third I love you was the best one of all. This I love you came from the first relationship where I knew from the moment we met that he was it, the first relationship I fell completely and unequivocally without hesitation in love from the start. The first relationship where I was me and that was ok because he loved me. And he loved me as much as I loved him. This I love you happened because we were both bursting to say it. It happened on a night out that I was going to bail on. It happened after we had hardly seen each other but were fine because we knew the other one was around. This I love you made us forget the world, jump in a cab and race home to just be with each other.

This I love you still lingers with me, still breaks me sometimes. This was the first I love you that taught me sometimes passion can burn to bright; it can only be short lived before it burns you out

Who Knows

I don’t know if I will ever truly forget the ex ex. I don’t know if I will actually ever be able to fully let go of him, he was too big a part of me for so long and to be truthful he has helped heal a large part of me. I will physically let go and move on because I can’t be around him while he is with her anymore but its going to be (already is) very hard. He’s become my friend who I care very much about and although he might not feel the same about me thats ok; I care about people whether they like it or not, whether they deserve it or not cause thats just who I am. If things were different in respect to the girlfriend then yes they would be different all round; I don’t mean being in a relationship but being able to hang out without the guilt and occasionally on a flat surface would be nice.

I don’t know if I will ever 100% get over what ex mr chop did (the effects run deep) and I don’t know how long it will be until he is completely out of my system; until I completely stop missing him or what we had. It still stings but it doesn’t consume me anymore; it still makes me a bit sad but its hard to be sad and miss someone who has completely changed and who isn’t there anymore. I know it has now been a decent amount of time but it took me a year to get over doo-ron and he meant no where near as much to me so I’m not going to worry about that.

Its weird with the ex ex cause I feel like we were over a long time before we actually broke up (he might argue this but then he has to think of the monumental arguments, the lack of sex, the lack of communication, the not liking him going out cause of the lack of trust which WAS earned, the money strain which I’m still paying for by myself by the way), but then I don’t think I actually gave myself enough time to mourn the relationship hence why I still thought about him and had that little episode of texting after the skate gig thing.

I think America will be good for me; time off boys, away from situations that aren’t good for me (that I admittedly do tend to put myself in) and time to just focus on me for a while, see if I can’t sort myself out a bit

Poem: Haunted

Asleep, awake, alert; you haunt me.

Everything we use to share; music, passions, jokes and smiles; they haunt me.

Corners have shadows that look like you, move like you, play like you; the darkness haunts me.

You were my never ending dream, now my unshakeable nightmare.

You were my always and forever, now I wish I could exorcise you.

Memories burned on the inside of my eyes forever, memories that whisper sweet nothings to me day in, day out,

My love; you haunt me

Time Is Not My Friend

I’m looking forward to the summer. I’m looking forward to beach break and spain (hopefully) and working and seeing people and beach.

I’m also dreading it. I’m dreading coming closer and closer to the time of my heartbreak. Next month will be when he first broke up with me and then told me he would never ever hurt me like that again. And then I’ll miss him at beach break. And then July will roll around and I’ll be thinking about how thats when we were together in America. And then august 8th will come about, the day he walked out and I just stopped.

I think back to this time last year and I was so happy I was blissful. BBQs, splashdown, pink, alton towers, mini BBQs with dan, lunches on the beach, making dinners, funki sushi, harvester. Just being so chilled, so relaxed, so…in love. And now what am I? Lonely I suppose. I have my friends and I love them all to death, I just miss the man cuddles and being in bed next to someone and getting the butterflies when you kiss.

I guess I just miss the butterflies

Oh Summers Past

This just makes me think of the bbq and how it turned in to a massive sort of bonfire cause everyone was freezing. Aha, is it done yet, is it done yet, NO GO AWAY YOU VULTURES! Jokes. loverr and loverr’s lover came down which was awesome, everyone just got so fucked. And then the epic failed attempt at trying to take this piss out of this song aha, gaaaaaash. Funny how appropriate the song is now.

Good times.

Day 6 of being on anti depressants and so far don’t really notice any difference except a bit of a dodgy stomache and feeling like I want to burst in to tears every 10 minutes. Like I said, no difference. I’ve been told it can take up to 2 weeks for them to kick in properly though so I am going to keep going. I have to phone my GP on monday to let her know how its going and hopefully she will be able to give me the generic assessment appointment. Feeling pretty much the same about everything, trying my hardest not to show it though and not to act like it, trying to make jokes and keep it light when really inside I feel….nothing. I feel empty and dark, like inside of me in this black hole that is swirling around, sucking everything about me and anything good in to it. Its a catch-22 really; I am lost in a void that is me. But I am forcing myself to go out, to see people, to at least go to the uni library and do some work. I am trying to take some sort of control back, a bit at a time and for that I’m proud. I even bought a Times paper today in an attempt to start caring about what’s going on in the world again!

Really tired today. Am trying to not have a nap or anything though so that maybe I’ll sleep tonight? Not to sure how many more nights of falling asleep about 4/5am and getting up at 8/9 I can handle! I wish that I had someone to cuddle me to sleep, I find it so much easier to drift off when someone else is with me, even when I’m staying over at moo’s and she’s on one sofa and I’m on the other, I actually fall asleep so quickly and stay asleep. I guess it’s cause I feel…safer? I’m so used to taking care of myself but falling asleep in someone’s arms was the one time that I would fully let down my guard and trust the other person to protect me I guess. I’m pretty sure this sleeping thing stems from ex mr chop leaving me cause I haven’t slept properly since then; from heartbreak to loneliness to depression. 3 easy steps to insomnia aha.

Tired now and time for some come dine with me, wooop!

Dreams

Had one of those dreams last night that felt so real I woke up this morning convinced it had happened. Which is shit cause now I’m just feeling the full effect of how much I miss ex mr chop and so I get to spend today forcing it all back down again. Wicked. I just wish I could talk to him, the him he was before. I really do hope he doesn’t go without saying goodbye.

Was going through my files (keep getting a scary ‘your mac is full’ message) and of course got to the picture files. I think I’ve looked at the Alaska pictures twice cause I just can’t look at them and not be confused. They don’t look like forced happiness but I suppose they are and thats just something I can’t handle. But decided to look today, I feel like I’ve come a long way since he left and so thought it would be ok. It was and it wasn’t. They reinforced me missing him by a lot which was hard. But I could also laugh at them as well, him playing with lil sis, posing behind dad when fishing, kfc, bbq-ing a shit load of chicken (I wish he could have seen me bbq chicken, he’d have been proud!), catching the biggest damn fish in the lake, dads amazing boat driving skills ahahahahahahahaha that was jokes, moose antler toilet rolls holder, posing next to stuffed bears and moose. I wish we’d have gone on the glacier cruise, now those would have been some immense pictures. Well at least I know my happiness was genuine, I suppose thats what matters.

Fucking dreams