Managed to find another ipod to replace mine for a mere £40, got a wall charger so can reset it and it should be here within a few days! So excited, have been missing my ipod LOADS! Also managed to get mum’s birthday presents so now I don’t need to be all worried about that in June and I know she’ll really like them so yay!
Sort of stopped taking my anti moaning pills and have been feeling a little extra moody and shite basically so am going to get a refill on my prescription tomorrow and stick to taking them this time. I was sort of experimenting, seeing if not taking them made a difference to taking them and that was sort of a fail aha but now I know.
Going to be a busy week at uni this week, need to get on the revision, finish diss proposal and send in my options. Busy busy!
Every night for the past week I’ve been having the same sort of random dream. I’ll be in a room with ex mr chop and we are full on fighting with each other, complete screaming match about what he did and how its affected me, how much I hate him and then he’s just as angry with me and I wake up so confused! I know its not real cause it was only a dream but from the things he has said to me since we split he really made it seem like I did something really wrong and he was really mad at me as well and its like my head is firstly saying all the things I’ve wanted to say to him and also work out why he would be angry with me??
Last night was a weird one though, I was dreaming that someone was next to me in bed and was whispering in my ear which woke me up. Don’t know who but I was really convinced they were there and actually rolled over to check. Ohhh maybe its the house ghost playing tricks on me……
Back to revision
Due to the death of my pod I have had to remember the 90% of the music on it that I ‘borrowed’ from people and download it myself. I have been doing this since yesterday afternoon and I still have around 100 albums left to do (maybe a bit more) and only 3gb left to play with. I have come to the realisation that I really am going to have to invest in an external drive to put everything on and am going to need another classic pod and not a flimsy touch.
I thought the depression tabs were working. I certainly seem a lot happier and like I have a sense of humour again. But I keep having these little meltdowns at night, like the smallest thing will set me off. For example, I was going through my old laptop last night trying to see if it would still work and if I could get my itunes running and there was all this old stuff to do with ex mr chop and the ex ex; pictures and diary entries and old msn conversations. The other night it wasn’t anything in particular, I just had an episode. I’m just hoping that I’m not developing a resistance to the pills already!
Had a very public display sunday evening. Was fun, always nice to get to the beach aha. I just feel like maybe this isn’t me; I don’t want to be responsible for hurting anyone, I don’t want to think of myself as a bit of a slag, I don’t want to be seen as a bit of a slag. I don’t want anything relationship wise from him anymore which is really good cause otherwise I could see me getting very very hurt but I do think I feel a sort of possession? I don’t want them to move in to a place together, I don’t want them to get married but at the same time I think he should have a healthy relationship with her and do those things because I don’t want those things anymore. I don’t mean just with him but with anyone; I’m still to messed up over ex mr chop and I don’t see that changing any time soon. I guess I’m thinking that if he needs to be in a relationship I should be the friend I feel I am and help with that instead of helping to mess it up.
But then that means losing whatever it is that were doing which is something I look forward to and enjoy. So I suppose it all depends on how selfish I am and do I stay selfish or do I practice a bit of will power for a change and earn back some karmic points? I’m only questioning this cause after a mass chat with moo she made some really good points like how long is this going to go on for? Cause it seems like it could go on forever and really, how practical is that? And also, yeah of course she’s worried about me but also what about him? Is it messing with his head? Or is it really just black and white to him, love her and sex with me? From the things he’s said about feeling all trapped and how everyone wants a piece of him I just feel like I’m taking up time and energy he could be using to concentrate on the life he’s choosing to live in or even time and energy he could be using to concentrate on himself.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh beach break is soooooooooooooooooo close!!!
Oh ipod, how I shall miss thee; thy sweet choice of tunes filled my days with endless joy and thine playlists were musical perfection. I will never know why thou hast deserted me but know this dear dear 20gb classic pod….I shall be replacing thee with a new 32gb ipod touch, so go suck on that.
Seriously though, totally gutted, mainly cause 90% of my music I’ve scavenged from other people’s itunes and will now have to either buy or download myself. Ergh, efffffort! And now this means I can’t go running in the morning cause I have no source of motivation. Shame, aha