Def Not An Alpha Male

Me and mexican man. I dunno, I like him, hes a nice guy. He’s definitely not boyfriend material for me though. He needs someone a lot nicer than me. I need someone with a little more passion and fire, who isn’t (and this is going to sound horrible) a little cry baby bitch! Honestly, you don’t need to continuously thank me for getting you to orgasm, crushing cuddling is a little extreme and no, I don’t give a shit about the other girls you’ve banged cause I honestly don’t have feelings for you. The sex is ok, I’m going to have to train him up cause yeah he has one or two moves that aren’t lacking in some talent but he really needs some coaching. I’m pulling out a lot of my best moves and I don’t really know why, I think just to give them a dusting off? I just know its not a real thing with him, hes not someone who could be a partner for me and honestly, I really don’t want someone right now. A guy I see and sleep with once a week with no pressure and no strings, who is going away for the summer, is the perfect person for me right now. I can’t help but wonder if there is a guy out there who is going to astonish me and make me want to be with them or if I’m going to be this closed off and cynical and heartless, forever.

Bitter

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Oh, What’s In A Name?

Exclusive but without labels. So….isn’t that a label? I’m actually fine to not be all ohhhh lets be boyfriend/girlfriend, it takes a lot of pressure off. Still, mexican man and myself, since last night, decided to be exclusive to each other. Which is nice. I’m actually really happy, I really like him, I really like being around him, I really like being naked with him (literally has the most beautiful penis I’ve ever seen, especially since it decided to start behaving. After the luck I’ve had with American todgers, I feel like this is a gift sent from on high). I can’t wait to get him in bed while everyone is away and ruin him :D.

So obviously had to let go of duff. I like him but not in the same way as mexican man. We just aren’t on the same wave length at all and to be honest, me and mexican man have a really similar schedule and when we get busy with work and shiz, we both totally understand whereas I feel like I keep letting duff down cause he wants to hang out and do all these things but I just honestly don’t have the time. And he does not have a beautiful willy like mexican man. Who I might just start referring to as faux-bf.

Faux-bf. I really like him. He makes me feel all tiny and cute and sexy at the same time. He makes me smile and hes so fucking considerate and holy shit, I am so fucking horny for him!! I’m actually happy. Like, really honest to God happy. I only have a few concerns and I think that was inevitable, look at my history with guys! I feel safe with faux-bf cause I don’t believe that he would ever hurt me or fuck me over. Except that is exactly what I thought with ex mr chop and look what happened there! Maybe feeling safe isn’t a good thing. I’m worried I could maybe possibly potentially fall for this guy and while I do really like him, I really don’t want to have my happiness depend on a guy ever again, I don’t want to feel jealous, I don’t want to miss him and be sad, I don’t want to start being all psycho girl. Possibly being aware of these things I don’t want might mean that I won’t let it happen?

It feels weird to have actually let go of ex mr chop. I spent sooo much time being sad about him and hanging on to the thought of what we were and now we are actually being able to be friends and not get all snarky and emotional at each other. There will always be a part of me that he will have. He was the most sincere love I’ve ever experienced, even if he didn’t feel the same way, he is not someone I will ever forget. But it doesn’t hurt anymore, it doesn’t feel awful to think about him or have him pop up every so often. I’m excited and glad to have my friend back! It makes me happy that I can give this thing with mexican man a real chance and not be all hung up on ex mr chop. I still think that there is a part of me that is still closed off and it’s going to take a lot to unfreeze that little last bit of hurt, but at least now I think that its do-able.

Yay 🙂

Valetentines Ansyness

I don’t know. I know that I have only ever had one great valentines. I honestly don’t like this day, I even have the pick of two different guys and I still don’t want to do anything or commit to anything. I don’t want that pressure, I don’t want everyone’s lovey doveyness shoved in my face. I think I use to like this day and I use to hope for something.

I’m pretty sure I use to be this relationship loving pro-monogamous romantic fool. I just don’t really feel that anymore? I’m perfectly content on my own, I’m perfectly content getting laid. Yeah, I really like duff and mexican man, seeing them makes me happy. But its not a necessary happy? I’ve been wondering if after ex mr chop, when I completely shut myself down and off from people, even though I know I’ve recovered, I think that lovey part of me has either died or is still encased to protect itself. I don’t know if it will ever thaw out but I’m willing to work on it.

I don’t know what it is. I feel really ansy about today. Its weird seeing ex mr chop posting all over facebook again. Meh

Playaaaaa

I actually feel kind of bad about this, I’m not really 100% sure about what the rules are?

Went over to duff’s house the other night, he cooked me dinner and then there was a couple of hours worth of sex, some cuddling and then had to get home. The sex was good, not mind blowing but as first times go with someone new, wasn’t the worst I’ve had by a long shot. Still not hugely impressed with American boys though. He seemed in to it which was nice. The part that sort of freaked me out afterwards was the cuddling. Full on, right on top of each other, big spoon to my little spoon, falling asleep cuddling. Ick. I don’t know, I like that kind of cuddling, but not yet. Not when I’m still not sure how I really feel about him. Also the wanker hasn’t called me since (Ok, to be fair, its been a day but still, if you sleep with a girl, fucking call her the next day!). Overall a mostly enjoyable experience.

I have a date with Mexican man tomorrow night. This I am actually really excited about, I’ve been wanting to properly hang out with him since we went out last Friday. We see each other around campus a bit (I’ve actually turned in to the girl who is now purposefully trying to run in to him. Stalker. Aha) and he is just so handsome and nice and really feel like we have a lot in common. The only thing that sucks is how busy we both are. Him more so than me. I feel like this is a guy I could fall for and its really scary cause I don’t know what his intentions are, I don’t know if that is something he would want, I don’t know if he thinks about me like that or if I’m just a shag that might be a once/twice a week occurrence (you know, when he has the time). He knows really fucking attractive girls, what would he want with me? He is graduating next semester and is done with Anchorage. There are all these factors that could become real problems and yet I sort of don’t care. I mean, I do care cause ultimately going to suck if it ends up being something but at the same time I would rather risk it than not. Which is the first time in a long time that I’ve thought that way, generally its been protection mode.

This is why I feel bad though. I like duff, I like Mexican man, I think i like Mexican man more but then I went ahead and slept with duff? Do they need to know I’m seeing other people? When do I have to make a choice, a decision? Do I owe either of them an explanation? I have a feeling that I’m keeping duff around until I know whats going on with Mexican man which I know is completely awful but I’m not prepared to choose or make a decision about anything yet.

Scariest shit happened yesterday in the Union. I was sat on one of the sofas and on the sofa next to me was this guy who randomly picked up his mobile and started talking about all this supposed information he had on this girl who has recently gone missing. So I called the police, took a picture of him, made a statement and had to wait until he was questioned before I could leave. Scary scary shit. Not scary because I was scared of the guy but scary because what sort of person calls the family saying he has info if he doesn’t, what kind of person has info like this and keeps it to himself all this time? Very strange situation.

Strange week

Leave It Now So Not Blindsided Later?

I am honestly making decisions based on how I feel rather than how I feel about someone. I feel like I can see what I want, what I don’t want, what something will be, a lot clearer nowadays, a by product I suppose of what I’ve been through.

I went out on the date with mexican man, we hung out with people, went to a few bars, had a really good time and made out. I like him, he’s easy to talk to and funny and smart. Definitely a motivated guy. Attractive, good kisser. Has texted me a few times, wants to see me soon, had a really good time. Apparently we might be hanging out later which might be nice? He’s going to be sorely disappointed though if he’s just in it for the shag cause I’m currently cruising the crimson tide. I think I like him.

Went out with duff can man last night, was his date at his company’s annual dinner. To be honest it was kind of awful at first! Got there, he was just really awkward which made me feel really awkward. It was a room full of older, married, engaged or pregnant chemists, all talking chemist talk, making me feel like an idiotic pre-teen trying to fit in with the ‘grown ups’. He does this thing where he makes me feel small because of my age, that I’m still such a child. Perhaps I’m projecting a few of my own insecurities from the evening on to him and what he was saying but it was still not good. He knew it as well, he later said that he was sorry cause it seemed like I didn’t have a good time. I lied, said I had. We hung out for a bit afterwards, talked. Things he said, like how he wants to be able to vent but doesn’t like people venting to him. Umm what? And how he doesn’t like being told what to do at work (he’s one of those who, when in a managerial position, prefers to be liked rather than making anyone under him work, which I do understand but at the same time, suck it up!), which is why he bounces around a bit with jobs. Not a good sign. I just feel like we are in two different places, he is looking more for an outdoors loving, gun toting republican wifey type and I am the exact opposite to all those things and really not looking to be anyones wifey type. I feel like I should just give it a little more time, see what is going down and then make a decision. He did finally make a move and prove he has man balls which was nice, it was just kind of intense when hes gazing at me and stroking my cheek and being all submissive. I feel like he trys hard to be a reall guys guy and then alone with me will be all…soft? I don’t want to be with another guy where in public he’s a dick and in private he’s a pussy cat. Been there, doesn’t work.

It sucks that I am on my period cause I am just way horny and honestly not really in any state of mind to make decisions about boys when all I want to do is play with a penis

Getting Use To A New Life

I am a full time student at uni, I am working as a lab assistant, I have officially left Todd, I’ve been on a few dates now with the grown up, I’ve been having these run ins with mexican man and have an official date with him tonight, I’ve made a few friends now at uni, one in particular who is totally my type of funny sarcy girl. Mexico next month and then house sitting for chick’s parents. Miss chick. Chick should come home. Yes you should.

The grown up. At least 4 dates, went out with him last night, sledding of all things (was actually fun, just terrifying), and still nothing! Not even a peck on the cheek! I don’t get it? Either hes gay, isn’t actually interested or I smell like a tramp. Could possibly be the tramp thing. Its just a little crazy to me that we’ve hung out quite a bit and I’ve met his friends, hes met my dad, I’m going as his date to his company work dinner and yet we still haven’t even kissed! Batgirl said that its a good thing, that hes an adult who knows what he wants, isn’t just after a shag and maybe I’m just not use to being treated with respect. Which could all be true except I feel like there’s been more than enough respect at this point. I think that if he doesn’t make a move after tomorrow night then I’m going to have to have a chat with him.

I feel kind of guilty actually, I know hes not seeing other people and I feel a bit bad that I’m going out with this other guy tonight, who I also actually really like. Hes a really nice guy who I feel a little more relaxed around to be honest. Just a bit hesitant cause he is a younger guy (only by a few months) but we do seem to have more in common and are in more of the same-ish place in life. He goes to my uni as well (we seem to have similar schedules cause we run in to each other all the time) and it might be nice to have someone to chill with at uni cause he will totally understand my need to do work and will be in the place that I spend the majority of my time. Now that I work there I guess it really is where I’ll be spending most of my time. The funny thing is, I will be working in the engineering building which is where most of his classes are cause that’s his major. No stalking, just coincidence! I’m just not sure if I’m being sneaky? Cause he doesn’t know about the grown up either. I just feel like, until someone has said to me hey are we exclusive, I’m not tied to anyone and if I want to see more than one person I can. Just going to be a bit tight time wise. I don’t know, maybe I’m just rationalizing things to suit me?

I emailed ex mr chop the other day, just a hey hows life, kind of thing. Not because I missed him in the I love you sense, I was just curious cause its been a while. I didn’t get the stomach flip or anything when he replied and I didn’t even get around to replying back for a little while. Just another clue in that I really think I’m over the whole thing.

Might take a nap before this thing tonight. Mmmm plan