I don’t know what it is, but apparently, for some, there is something about me which makes the rules irrelevant and desire the only thing that matters. It’s sort of strange cause I don’t really get it, and it’s not like it works on the fucking people I want it to, but now two important people in my life have said it and then gone on to do things they wouldn’t with anyone else. I guess it only actually works on guys already in relationships though which is prob why I don’t have a significant other of my own. I just don’t get it. It’s like, and has been said, that with me it doesn’t count. I don’t count? Does it not count when it’s with someone you truly care about? Cause I’ve always been of the mind that it counts more when there are feelings involved. Does it not count when it’s with someone you’ve been with before? Do I just represent the freedom they long for and therefore it’s nothing to do with me per say at all. The ex ex said he likes to play with fire, so maybe being with me every so often actually strengthens his own relationship cause he’s gotten it out of his system. I know why with farmer boi, he’s wanted me for the past 10 or so years and with me being based in the US now, I think to him it was about the opportune moment. It really makes me wonder what these guys are missing from their lives that they seek solace in me? Is it things like this which make me hold back from a being in a relationship myself. Is everything doomed to end, does monogamy really work, is cheating inevitable, are breakups inevitable, does the loss of single freedoms ever get balanced or over-ruled by the stability of being with someone? Why bother when it’s just all going to end in tears. Are we all doomed to love the wrong person? All I wanted was ex mr chop and instead….yeah. All I still want is ex mr chop. I wish this ‘something’ bloody worked on him!!
I have a feeling that this trip home has succeeded in making me much more jaded than I was before