This Is It?

I’ve had the house to myself for the past few days and will have it to myself till thursday. Music man went to see family for 10 days out of state, the roomies are on their cruise, and I am just sort of cooling my heels till school starts again in another week. This has definitely shown me that I need to a) make more people here in Alaska, and b) perhaps see about mending my relationship with chick and chica. I should also read some of the books in prep that I already have for school and find my scientific calculator.

I also can’t believe how much I miss my lover. I was so sad last night, going to bed has quickly become the shittiest part of my day, to the extent I keep staying up seriously late just so that I can avoid the whole sleeping alone part. I knew I would, I just didn’t think it would be so…consuming? I know that it’s even worse ’cause the last two weeks we basically spent every second together celebrating his birthday and then christmas, new years. We just hung out and smoked out (thankfully I was able to be more comfortable with him than I can remember being with anyone) and we were just, us. Yeah, we had some mini fights, nothing as bad as the whole twitter friend episode though and nothing that made me not want him.

Ok sooo there are some statements I want to make and they are terrifying to me and even saying (or writing) what’s going on in my head will probably tempt the fates. As much as I love him though, I’m still not 100% ready to really go there (I’m still not 100% sure he’s on the same page as me i.e. twitter girl, except I feel kind of shit holding that over him because in every other way, he’s been amazing to me).

I am possibly, horribly confused. He is amazing, he’s kind, warm, funny, sarcastic, interesting, sexy, and incredibly good to me. He takes care of me, and doesn’t make me feel like shit for letting him. He possibly makes me feel like I am unable to look after myself anymore though, as if I need him here. Which is why I am actually glad to have this break while he’s away. He definitely doesn’t do it on purpose, in no way would he want that, which is why I haven’t said anything.

I am very much in love with him. It worries me though that sometimes he really reminds me of ex mr chop, like some mannerisms and even his looks. Am I as in love with my music man as I think I am or am I in love with the ghost of ex mr chop? I don’t really think that’s true, there are vast differences between the two of them, most of which are insurmountably in music man’s favour.

Basically, no one is perfect, no relationship is perfect, we all have history, we all have flaws, and I need to love him as a whole, and not whittle down this relationship to fit in to what the standard ‘normal’ relationship is ‘supposed’ to be.

Definitely kind of lonely right now

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Learn From The Past, Create A New Future

I am partly responsible for the demise of both ex mr chop and ex mexican man. I have this super amazing special ability where I think I can ‘predict’ all the things that are going to go wrong and then I worry about them and bring them up, point them out and before you know it, the problems exist and ruin everything. So what came first, the neurotic girl or the problem? Did the problem actually exist hence my worry or did my worry make the problem exist? I do this a lot I think, not just with my relationships but with school and work and friendships and future events. I feel like I definitely pushed away B and E by doing this, I think it makes it seem like I don’t trust them, us, the relationship and also maybe like I’m trying to push them away. I’m really not, I just need to feel some sort of control over my life, I hate not knowing what could happen, I want to preempt the bad so I can prepare for it and hopefully avoid it. Except most of the time I am the only one who sees this ‘bad’ and once seen, it cannot usually be unseen and this is where it falls apart.

For future reference I need to avoid making mountains out of molehills and just let it be. I just hope that next time I can heed my own words for a change